- Hi. - Oh.
Hello, love.
You and Dad are going out for dinner later, right?
Um, yeah, we've got a table booked for 7:30.
If we were dreadful people,
we might even call it a date night.
Well, before that, there's someone coming around
who I'd like you to meet.
- Her name's Holly. - Holly. Okay, great.
And she's my girlfriend.
Hey! Hey, Ava. That's, uh, that's fantastic.
It is. I thought it was about time. Anyway, she's brilliant.
- You'll like her. - Of course we will.
Don't do anything weird, but you're gonna love her.
It's only been two weeks,
but it feels like ages... in a good way.
- Do you remember that feeling? - Just about. Yes.
Well, it's a great feeling.
Hey, hon.
- Paul, Amber alert. Amber alert. - What?
I'm pretty sure Ava just came out.
Wow!
Shit. It's happening.
Yes! She wants to introduce us to her girlfriend
before we head out tonight. Holly.
Thought you said her name was Amber.
Oh, Christ. It's good to laugh, isn't it, Paul?
Sorry. Yeah, yeah, all right.
Listen, let's not fuck this one up, shall we?
Noted. I mean, it's nice, though, isn't it?
- Nice that she's including us. - Yeah.
- Mum? - Oh, fuck.
- Hiya, love. - We're out of peanut butter.
Do we have any more? Because Holly loves peanut butter.
It's, like, one of her things.
Have you checked behind Dad's horrible chutneys?
Ooh!
You're gonna love her, Mum.
Ta-da!
- Lovely to meet ya, Ally. - Hi, Ava.
- Oh. - It's an orange. Wine.
Looks like auld piss, but tastes nothing like it, I promise.
"Auld piss." Fantastic.
That's... That's very, very kind of you. Thanks.
- I'm Siobhan. - Yes, no, yeah, of course.
Darren's told me so much about you.
- Oh, God, how much? - Tons.
In fact, I thought he might have been going
- through your bins. - Uh, Siobhan's building, uh,
actually has communal bins, so...
- So, were you guys... - Uh, I wouldn't go through them
- even if they weren't. - No. Yeah. Um...
But were you just passing by
and you sensed that I needed some wine or...
No, we're here for dinner.
You invited us round for dinner?
Yes, but, oh, God, no, no. That's not this week.
- That's next week. - I don't think so.
Mm. Um...
Sorry.
Shit. Shit.
Yes. Oh. Susie and Chris are coming, too. Um...
Would you like us to bugger off?
No! No, no, no, no. It's fine. Come... Come on in.
I was just about to put on a massive pot of... food.
- Food? - Yeah.
One of my favorites.
Is this okay? With Holly coming?
Fine. Nice for her to meet everyone. I want this to be...
well, not a huge thing, but a big thing.
Okay. Right. Drinks.
- Can I just use your bathroom? - I can show you where it is.
Just going upstairs myself.
Right, uh, one thing. I haven't got any kids.
- Have they died? - They haven't,
but as far as Siobhan's concerned, they don't exist.
So, you haven't told Siobhan about your twin girls?
That's mad.
I just sort of panicked at the start there.
Well, how long ago was the start?
A couple of months back.
Siobhan is child-free, and the twins are,
well, you know, a strong flavor.
I think I love her, Ally.
I think I'd rather have Siobhan than the twins.
You don't mean that.
You know it's their 13th coming up? Birthday?
Do you know what they asked me for?
I thought maybe new phones, concert tickets,
but they asked me if I'd climb into a suitcase
and let them carry me around for 20 minutes.
- Jesus Christ. - I think they just wanted
to see if they could make me do it.
You know, capitulate to their will. I mean, they're 13.
- Did you do it? - Yes, of course I did it.
Oh.
Please, Ally, just for tonight, until I figure something out.
Ally!
Susie!
Oh, sorry, it's just me. Chris won't be joining us.
He's busy downloading a dating app.
I broke it off with him on Sunday evening.
Oh, God. Your busiest day and everything.
Come here.
- Oh, I got you this. - Thanks.
Oh, hey, Ava. How are you doing?
Susie, I didn't know you were coming. It's been ages!
I can't wait to tell Holly
she's about to meet Susie, the vicar.
She's heard all about you.
Really, I'd never seen anyone taller than me
struggle with the top shelf at the supermarket,
much less a man, as in, you know, a young-ish man.
And I know this is the oddest fucking thing to say out loud,
but there was just something so sweetly pathetic about him.
And here we are.
You know, like, like, in a kid's book when, say,
a crocodile makes friends with a worm.
Mm.
Oh. Sorry.
Sorry. It's just, um... Uh, won't be a tick.
What do you mean, "something urgent"?
No, sorry. It's your night with them.
I can't have the girls because I'm not at home tonight.
Okay. Right.
Well, your location app is wrong, Karen, 'cause...
yeah, I'm only near Ally's house.
I'm actually with one of the guys from Pilates.
Yeah, Julian.
Yeah, we're off out on a big session of booze.
Yeah, so don't come to Ally's.
Not come to Ally's 'cause I'm not here. There.
Just don't go to Ally...
You all right, Darren?
Mm-hmm. How do you turn off shared location on your phone?
- I have no idea. - Oh, bugger!
Are you sure you're all right
about the 40,000 descending here?
Oh, no, it's fine, honestly.
- The more, the merrier. - Okay.
I actually really want Holly to meet Susie.
I didn't know I did, but I do.
Oh.
- Hi, Holly! - But I actually upped
and changed parishes to Reading.
- Oh. - To be with Chris
and his two kids. Two of them.
I never had kids,
never wanted them, never once regretted it.
Children are not easy. Right?
So I gather, yeah.
This is very good wine.
- Where's this wine from? - Hiya!
Oh, Paul's here. Great. Good on Paul.
- Hey. - Hi.
Oh. Fuck me. What's this? Intervention?
- Yeah. - Hi, Paul.
Hey, Sue. Sorry, I won't hug you 'cause I reek a little bit.
Um, sorry. I wasn't expecting to see anyone.
- Yeah, I should have texted you. - Paul?
- This is Siobhan. - Is it?
- Mm-hmm. - Hello.
- Hi. - I cocked up like a big idiot,
got my weeks in a... in a tizz.
The... The meal out is next week,
and the meal we're hosting is now.
- Is it? - Yeah.
Brilliant. Okay. Uh, I... I need a little shower,
so I'll, um, see you folks in a bit.
Any more up there?
- Siobhan? - Yes.
Cool. Right.
Hey. Hey.
So sorry, Paul. It's my balls up, completely.
It's just a bit of a shock, that's all,
coming into a house that looks like
a fucking coach station at Christmas.
There's enough of those fuckers
- for a five-a-side. - I know.
I was really looking forward to a nice tagine as well.
- What are you cooking? - A chili. Uh, a sort of chili.
Okay.
Uh, How's Ava? This can't be the evening she was expecting.
She actually seems okay. I think she's quite
looking forward to a big coming out evening.
All right, well, I'll go and say hi
and then get rid of this man-hum.
Mm. Hang on.
Do you know what? I don't hate that.
Sorry, was that, um...
Oh, Darren hasn't told Siobhan about his kids.
- Very wise. - So, don't mention them.
Not that we ever talk about Darren's kids,
unless we want to feel better about ourselves.
Fair enough.
It's just... you know...
No, it's just that I thought that...
It's just a bit much, Ava,
like meeting your parents, their friends,
and, you know, an actual vicar, just like we're getting married.
No, I get it. Sorry.
I just thought... I was just being silly.
I... I'll make sure it's just us.
It was a nice thought. It really was.
It'll be great to meet your mum and dad.
No, it'll be boring.
All right then, folks. Let's get this fucking party started
Who said pass the parcel?
I'll get it!
Oh.
- Hi. - Hey.
Taxi for Darren?
Thanks, Ava. I'll take this from here.
I'd like you to drive my mobile phone around London.
Is this some sort of a joke?
It's 200 pounds there...
or should it... should it be more?
How much to hire you for the whole night?
- This ain't Pretty Woman, mate. - 500?
200 now and the rest when I pick up the phone?
Please, just drive it around. My wife is looking for me,
and my children are from The Shining.
Please, I'm desperate. I'm a desperate man.
I mean, I'm paying 500 pounds to give a phone a ride in a car.
- Go on then. - God love ya. Thank you.
I mean, they do sound like nightmare kids.
I tried so hard with them. So hard.
But they... they just wouldn't accept me.
- Oh. - And of course,
Chris refused to take sides, which, of course, meant...
That he absolutely did take sides.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Susie.
- Thank you. - I bet you won't miss Reading,
- though, will you? - No.
Although I do think Reading had a big part to play
- in why his kids were such... - Fuckers?
Well, obviously I would never say that 'cause that's...
very unchristian language, but, yeah, total fuckers.
Come in.
Hey, darling. Just, uh, came to check you're okay?
- Fine. - Yeah?
So, Mum told me about Holly.
That's...
I'm so excited to meet her. When does she get here?
- Soon, I hope. - Mm-hmm.
I think she's still coming, but...
Was that the door?
Uh, um...
Yeah, I think so. Maybe. Oh, okay.
Yeah.
- All right, Bagpuss. - Hey. It's the prodigal son.
You should have called ahead.
I'd have slaughtered a lamb or made you, I don't know,
a fucking coat of many colors or something.
- Everything okay? - Uh, no.
- All right. - I've got a big favor to ask.
My friend from the ante-natal group is a bit pissed.
He's very pissed.
Right.
As in he's too pissed to go home.
He's on thin ice as it is with his partner.
Do you think he could just dry out here, just for a bit?
I can't take him to Maya's.
Where is he now, this pissed man?
I've got him propped up around the back.
I wanted to speak to you first and explain,
but he's waiting for me to let him in.
We've got a bit of a full house, mate.
And as it happens, this is a big night for your sister,
so I don't love the idea of anything distracting.
Paul?
Jesus Christ.
- What's up? - Oh, God.
Hey, hey, what's up?
Look, oh, got you now! Got... Aah! Oh! Oh, oh.
- Aah! Get off me. - What the fuck am I looking at?
Whoa! Hey! Fucking... Oi, oi, oi!
Get off him, you cunt!
Then the sweaty dicker just
drops down over the wall, like, out of nowhere,
and I yelped 'cause I thought that we were...
We were gonna be robbed.
Then suddenly, Carl just swooped down
onto him like a big, bald swan.
- You're a hero, Carl. - Yeah, Carl.
I just had a fucking fight.
- Yes, you did, mate. - Oh, fucking hell.
Fucking Jesus. Yes!
Oh, I haven't had a fight since Spike Island.
I haven't been this happy since Spike fucking Island.
I... I'm so sorry.
Yes, and so you should be, mate.
Carl, you're a Stone Roses fan?
Spike Island, Paul.
Just, yeah, Spike fucking Island, you know?
Jesus Christ, Gaz. Have you just gone and done more?
Listen, folks. Um...
- Oh, oh. - Hey, look,
I'm... I'm all apologies, okay?
But I've got a baby on the way, all right, like Luke here,
- and we're just... - Right.
...we're just coping, you know?
We got a connection, me and Luke, haven't we?
You know, I think some people, they...
they... they come into your life to teach you something.
You know?
And your son has done just that.
Unbelievable.
I think we've both kind of realized, haven't we, Luke,
that we've got to just squeeze the decadence in now, don't we?
"We"?
Are you doing fucking coke, Luke?
No, I'm not! He is. He definitely is.
- I think he's doing a lot. - Well, I'll tell you what, mate.
Maybe the place not to bring
a character like that in that state
is your mum and dad's fucking house.
I've already told you, this is a big night for your sister.
She's bringing her first girlfriend round.
- Ava's got a girlfriend? - Oh, it's...
You're gonna be a parent, Luke, all right?
Make better fucking decisions!
Because it's gonna be one thing after another.
Let me tell you...
You know, for what it's worth, I get it.
Fatherhood can be a scary thing.
Sure how would you know?
Uh... Dad told me.
And what have you told her regards where you're at?
Her at home?
Uh, that I'm, uh, caught up at work.
Hmm.
No, fella, don't do that. Don't lie. Go home.
She's laid up on bricks having your baby.
Don't fucking lie to her.
There's nothin' worse than a liar.
All right, folks...
After that... after that palaver,
I think the least we can do is get you drunk.
- So, who's for red? - Well, can I get one of those?
No! Fucking bare knuckle Barbie, you can't.
Jesus Christ. What were you thinking?
And why can't you just use the fucking front door
like normal people? Hey?
I mean, look at the state of Carl.
- You all right, Carl? - Fine now, thank you.
- Good. - Yeah, just fine.
It's very nice, you know.
- Hmm? What is? - The inside.
Your house.
Thank you.
- Can I get you anything? - Oh.
Got a cheese sandwich, have you?
- A cheese sandwich? - Ooh.
No!
One cheese sandwich for Carl coming up.
Ah, some fucker been in my chutneys?
Has anyone seen Ava?
What's happened?
Holly's not coming round.
Okay.
I wanted to do this big coming out thing,
and she's not into it.
She thinks all that "meet the family" stuff
is a bit too much.
Well, just... Well, that's fine.
We'll just give her a bit more time.
She says no one really has a big coming out thing anymore.
And I just feel so stupid and naive.
There is not one thing about you that's stupid.
Do you understand?
We've only been seeing each other a couple of weeks.
What was I thinking? What if I've ruined everything?
Break... Breakups are always hard, my darling,
- especially the first time... - We haven't broken up.
- Okay. - I'm not upset
because we split up. I'm...
I'm embarrassed at being old-fashioned and just stupid.
All right, I... I see. Sorry.
We'll still see each other.
Holly just doesn't wanna come round tonight
to meet you two... and everyone.
Right.
Well, I mean...
You know, at... at least we...
We know you better now, don't we?
Mm-hmm.
You know, we know that you're gay. It's...
It's also not... not a big deal at all, by the way,
in case you were wondering if it was.
No, I want it to be a big deal.
It is a big deal for me.
Maybe that was my stupid mistake.
I wanted you.
I wanted my parents to be a part of this.
I wanted this to be my moment. Mine. Mine.
Some affirmation of me.
Yeah, listen, sweetheart, I think that's absolutely
what we all want as well, isn't it? I think...
I think that what we're trying to say...
- Yeah. - Is that we will always
love you completely, no matter who you tell us you are.
Well, I want it to matter.
I know you're trying to make me feel comfortable, and thank you.
But I want this to matter as much...
every inch as much, for once...
as anything that's happening in Luke's life.
And it really hasn't helped
that he's dragged in that pisshead downstairs.
Right, okay, tell you what. You stay here.
We're gonna go and clear the house out,
and then we'll be back, okay? Don't move.
How's she getting on up there?
- Not terribly well. And... - Your wee girl? Ava, was it?
- Ava, yeah. - Having a bit of an upset?
- First bit of heartbreak. - Yeah.
Just as well. I fucking hate chili.
Hate anything to do with cowboys.
Thank you for a lovely evenin'.
You should piss off, too.
You're next door, as I understand it.
- Yeah, he's... - But you, Snorty Spice,
where is it you call home? We'll drop you in our Uber.
Oh, actually, could I get in on that?
If you don't mind dropping me off at the station.
Yeah, of course.
All right if I stay here, is it, mate?
If I go home in this state, she'll kill me.
What age are you to be hanging out with this child?
You must be near my age and his.
Move your boney arse.
Thank you, Carl.
Oh, you're welcome, Paul.
Just trying to be a good neighbor.
Well, next time it's my turn to have a big fight on your patio.
Oh, look forward to that.
- Bye, Lukie. - See you, Carl.
Bye, all.
Bye.
Sorry. What... What's happening with Ava?
Could we make a quick pit stop at this wee corner shop, please?
Here, precious. I'm stuck in the middle back here.
Would you mind running in and grabbing me a deck of fags?
That card expired weeks ago. Mate, can we get going, please?
Oh, hello.
Uh... he appears to have dropped his cocaine.
Can you drop us at the nearest pub, please, mate?
I've got twins. Two girls, 13. They're very full on.
- Jesus. What? - I'm sorry, Siobhan.
I think I'm in love with you.
Well, you don't get
any of this stuff in Reading.
Got a bit sexy there tonight a couple of times, didn't it,
with the fight and the pheromones?
Or was I imagining it?
No, it did get a bit sexy. You're right.
We should break our drought soon.
- We should, but not tonight. - No, not tonight. Fuck, no.
Christ, I just wanna sleep.
Mm.
Mum, Dad, I don't really wanna talk right now,
if that's all right.
Just me.
Is it all right if I come in?
I'm sorry for stealing focus again tonight.
I know it's a bit of a habit.
It's just...
There was this 36-year-old man-child chasing me around,
and... this was the tree that I ran up.
So, listen, I hear that you have a girlfriend.
That's massive!
Do you fancy telling me all about her?
Whoever she is?