Hey, Gina!We got an anonymous gift basket.
Yeah, it's full of treats.
It's got meats, cheeses,candies,
all the food groups.
The cheese is amazing.
It melts in my mouthand in my hands.
Hmm, French chocolates,French cheeses,
tiny French pickles.
Did none of you detectivesthink this might be a gift
for Captain Holt fromsomeone in France?
Like his husband,par exemple?
What?No way.
This is a nice present froman unknown, appreciative citizen
that wanted us to munch.
Hmm, what's this, then?
"Dear Captain Raymond Holt,thinking of you.
Best, Dr. Kevin Cozner, Ph.D."
He even used their pet names.
Oh, no, I ate thechocolate-covered strawberry.
That's the most intimatesnack of them all.
Holt's gonna be back fromhis meeting in 30 minutes.
- What do we do?- Eat the note!
No!No.
It's okay.We can fix this.
Check it out, sir.
A lovely gift basket that Kevinsent you all the way from Paris.
Straight from Paris!
Stapler, scissors.
Rubber bands.
That man really knows me.
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPDwww.addic7ed.com/
Attention, squad.I just received a call.
A very important,very high profile celebrity
was robbed in our precinct.
What celebrity, sir?Is it a Chris?
Hemsworth? Evans? Pratt? Pine?Brown? Cross?
Is it a non-Chris?
This is a sensitive matter,and I can only disclose details
to the lead detectiveon the case.
Sergeant, let me knowwho's available, ASAP.
Yes, sir.
Sarge, Sarge, Sarge.
You knowthat I'm your guy for this.
You can't givea celebrity case to Amy.
The last movie she saw wasa documentary about spelling bees.
Wrong; it was aboutthe font Helvetica,
and it played likean action thriller.
You already havea case, Peralta.
I assigned it to youthis morning.
That was just some kid witha little bit of pot on him.
Meanwhile, Chris Rockis tied up in his basement
calling out for my help,and you're standing in my way.
Just work the caseI assigned you.
Can't I just give my caseto Hitchcock and Scully?
I mean, they clearly havea ton of time on their hands.
Hitchcock hasn't even gottenout of his chair today.
Hey, Jake, I can goanywhere in this thing.
But... shouldn't.
Hitchcock and Scullyare house mouses.
They do paperworkand they're good at it.
They don't go outin the field.
Boyle, you takethe celebrity case.
Me? Instead of Jake?
Have you lost your damn mind?I am so sorry, Jake.
I don't know what'swrong with Terry.
Don't worry.I'm gonna work it with you.
I'm giving my drug bustto Hitchcock and Scully.
It's time to get these miceout of their hice.
Oh, that was lame.Life is meaningless.
We're all gonna die.
Mouses out of their houses.Yes, I am the greatest.
Every breath is a gift.Sorry about the roller coaster.
I'm just happyI'm tall enough to ride.
Hey, Rosa.
Saw you hadn't signed upfor the blood drive yet,
so I brought you the sheet.
Sorry, can't.I'm... under 17 years old.
Wait, you didn't sign uplast year, either.
Or the year before.
Are you afraid of needles?
I don't like beingstabbed by someone
so they can steal my blood.
I'm crazy.
This is amazing; you'rescared of something I'm not.
I'm tougher than you.I'm tougher than Rosa.
Eh, I take it back.I'm so sorry.
Look, it's okay.We all have fears.
I'm so claustrophobic,I can't even go
into the downstairssupply closet.
I hear they have somehot new binder clips,
but I'll never know.
I'm scared of businessmen.
A whole army of gray-suitedBrads and Chads trying
to suck my soul and redeem itfor frequent flyer miles.
Great, so you guys get it.
- Conversation over, bye.- No, no, no, no, no.
What if we each agree to faceone of our fears today
for ourselvesand for all of womenkind?
Ugh.That sounds terrible.
But I'm in.
Fine, I'll do it too.
Guys, come on.
I really think this'llbe good for... oh, wait.
You... we're doing my thing?Okay.
Thanks for taking usto lunch, Jake.
Of course.Get whatever you want.
Oh, man, I already ate.
I guess I'll just havea cheeseburger deluxe,
couple slices of pie,maybe an egg cream.
- Okay.- And a waffle.
So look, a big, importantdrug case came across my desk,
and I need your help.
Only problem is, Sarge doesn'tthink you can handle it.
- He's right.- No, he's not.
Look, you'reHitchcock and Scully.
You guys are legends.
You single-handedly caughtthe Prospect Park Flasher.
Well, he was beingchased by other cops,
but he did slipon my spilled chili.
And who bumped into Scully,causing the spill? Me.
Damn right, and who fellasleep under their desks
and caught the janitorstealing evidence?
We did.
And who sued the department
and got triple-ply toilet paperin every precinct?
We did.
Terry thinks you guys
are too old and too lazyto handle this,
but I know whatyou're really made of.
You're gonna take this caseand prove him wrong!
- Yeah!- Whoo-hoo!
We're still gonnaeat lunch, right?
Obviously, a high profilecelebrity case such as this one
needs to be handledwith the utmost discretion.
I promiseI'll be professional,
even if it's Dianne Wiest.
Oh, my God, I can't believe I'mgonna meet Dianne Wiest!
She's so sexual!
No, our victim...
is John... William...
Weichselbraun.
Remind me who that is again?
You're kidding.He's a world-renowned oboist,
first chair with the New YorkSymphony Orchestra.
Kevin and I are huge fansof Weichselbraun's work.
We are what the Internetsometimes refers to as...
Weichselbraun fans.
Not Weichselbrauniacs?
Oh, that's very good.
I'm gonna use that liberally.
Anyway, Weichselbraun's$40,000 oboe
was stolen from his apartment,
and you need to find it.
I'd work the case myself
if it didn't smackof preferential treatment.
Don't worry, sir.I can handle this.
So you do think it smacksof preferential treatment?
I don't know whatyou want me to say.
Okay, you've convinced me.I'll work the case with you.
Great.
I think you owe mean apology.
I'll apologizeto you in hell.
I actually don't knowwhat this is about.
Sorry I tooksuch a hard stance.
Holt's celebrity wasjust some lame oboist.
Meanwhile, we just linkedyour little dumb pot bust
to a major narcotics ring.
This might be the biggest drugcase
the Nine-Nine's had in years.
Cool.
Uh-oh.
I know a real "cool"when I hear one.
That wasn't a real "cool."What did you do?
Well...
I may have giventhat very huge drug case
to Hitchcock and Scully.
- What?- In my defense,
I was pretty sure you werenever gonna find out.
I don't know whereHitchcock and Scully are.
They're not answeringtheir phones,
and they signed our dealer...the one link to our drug ring...
out of holding.
I swear, if they mess upthis case, Jake, it's on you.
They're detectives.
They've been on the forcefor 500 years.
They know what they're doing.
The only item on Scully'scalendar for the entire year
is "eat peanut butter."
Yeah, we got to find them.
And to do that, we haveto think like they do.
I'm going in.
All right, there'sthe butt indentation,
and...
I'm docked.
Ugh.Still warm.
All right, residual cushion fartis about a six out of ten.
He's been gone an hour,maybe two.
- But where?- Hot dogs.
- They went for hot dogs.- How do you know?
There's a water stain onthe ceiling in the shape of a bun.
Let's go.
Excuse me, have youseen Hitchcock and Scully?
Three times a dayfor 12 years.
Twice as often since I startedserving sweet wieners.
Sweet wieners?
It's a normal hot dogwith a little chocolate sauce.
- One please!- No, Jake.
- No, Terry.- Have you seen them recently?
Half hour ago... they ate, andthen they took off in a hurry.
Half an hour.
They could be anywhere by now.Nope, there's Scully.
Where's Hitchcock?
I'm taking you guysoff your drug case.
Of course you are.
Jake said you didn'tbelieve in us.
What? He didn'tbelieve in you either.
He was just pumping you up withlies so you'd work his case.
Jake, is this true?
I just thought, you know,
the two of you mightbe better off
mousing around the old house.
Oh, I get it.
Just because I got my fingerstuck in a glue trap once,
I'm a mouse?
I got the cheese out,by the way.
- Oh, my God.- Look, man,
we need to knowwhere Hitchcock is.
I am ordering youto tell us everything.
Fine.We're setting up a sting.
I'm going undercoveras Tex Dallas,
billionaire oil manfrom Dallas, Texas,
with tiesto the cowboy mafia.
- Oh, boy.- Hitchcock's my middle man,
Reno Vegas,mobster from Reno, Las Vegas.
I said my "oh, boy" too soon.
In 20 minutes, he's going intotally alone, unarmed,
without a cell phone,to meet with one of their guys
to set up a buy.
So how do you likeour plan now?
It's a disaster, man!We got to stop it!
Disaster? Tell meone thing that's wrong
with Operation Beans.
Operation Beans?
Good afternoon, sir.I'm Detective Charles Boyle...
From the Nine-Nine.
My precinct.I'm the captain, Raymond Holt.
Okay.Uh, please, come on in.
I'll show you the back roomwhere they broke in.
You're an incredibly gracious host,Mr. Weichselbraun.
Wow, that pronunciationis flawless.
I must admit, I'm a bitof a Weichselbrauniac.
Hmm, I saw you perform Bach's"Oboe Sonata in G Minor"
at the Brooklyn Academyof Music.
I was in the front row.
You were escorted outfor gasping too loudly.
Ah.
This is a prettymodest apartment.
How did you afford a $40,000oboe in the first place?
I admit that there'snot as much money
in classical musicas there once was...
Which is the real crime here.
Boyle, can Italk to you privately?
Sure.
What are you doing?You just insulted
our celebrity victimto his face.
You keep saying "celebrity,"but he's drying his socks
on a George Foreman grill.
This is John WilliamWeichselbraun,
the Silver Spit Prince.
I'm making myself primarydetective on this case.
You can wait in the car.
Oh, but first, take a pictureof the two of us together.
Make sure we're laughing.
Ha-ha!
Ah.
Okay, so, I'm going to facemy fear of confined spaces.
When I'm ready,you will shut the trunk
and leave me herefor 30 minutes.
I left a juice boxand a diaper in there for you,
so you're gonna be fine.
Or we could allgive in to our fears
and keep our blood inour bodies like normal people.
No, Rosa, we are doingsomething important here.
We are women, standing upand supporting each other
and becoming...
listeningto Amy inspire us.
Be back in a half hour, Ames.
Wait! Come back!
Come back, I can't do this!
No, you're the best!
You did it.How'd it go?
Well, the first ten minuteswere really terrible.
The diaper did not fit.It was for a baby.
But then I relaxed,and I found my inner strength.
I think the lesson here is that,as women, we...
No, no, no, no!
You close that trunk againand I will kill you!
You hear me?I will kill you!
We're almost there.Slow down, Pinto.
I didn't agree to a bean name.
We are not doingOperation Beans.
You know, the only reasonHitchcock and I took this case
is because you saidwe were great.
I'm beginning to thinkyou were lying to us.
I was lying!I already admitted that.
Well, if anything happens,it's because of you.
- Right, Mung?- Right.
If Hitchcock dies,it's 'cause of Pinto.
Terry, I knowthat you're mad,
but you don't haveto jump on the bean train.
Uh-oh.
Chickpea!No!
Looks like they'retaking Hitchcock
inside that building, and itlooks like they're armed.
Dammit, Jake!
You couldn't just dothe case I assigned you?
Hitchcock's life is in danger.He has a wife, man.
Don't worry.If anything happens to him,
she'll be taken care of.
If I die, I want youto marry Lucille.
I can't stand the thoughtof you being alone.
Deal. Let's make ita blood pact.
Oh, look,I'm already bleeding.
So just normal friend stuff.
- So what's the plan?- We stick with Operation Beans.
We knock on the front door.I say I'm Tex Dallas.
You're my buddy, Alamo,and you're Black Fred.
Black Fred?Why Black Fred?
There's no other Fred!
Yeah, but they don'tknow that.
I say Terry and I go in
through the roofand do some recon.
Scully, you stay here and callfor backup in case we need it.
Oh, no way.
That's my partner in there.I'm going in.
Also, I can't call for help.I don't have any quarters.
Hard to arguewith that logic.
- You know I...- Sir, I need to talk to you
about the Weichselbraun case.
Oh, I didn't realize youwere here, Mr. Weichselbraun.
I was in the area,and the captain is a fan,
so I came by to give hima little gift, as a thank you.
It's a signed copyof his book of mouth exercises.
"Reed It and Weep.""Reed" with two Es?
It's my favorite jokeof all time.
- I'll come back later.- Oh, nonsense.
I'm sure John...he insists I call him "John"...
I'm sure John wouldappreciate an update
on the whereabouts of his oboe,wouldn't you, John?
- Yeah.- Well said, John.
- Did you hear what John said?- I did,
but it's an openinvestigation,
and I don't think it's properto share information
with the parties involved.
Well, that's why you'reno longer the primary.
John played oboe forLynne Cheney.
I'm sure we cantrust him to be discreet.
- Out with it.- Okay, well,
John, you're under arrest.
- What?- Excuse me?
He staged the robberyfor the insurance money
because he's broke, becauseoboists are not celebrities.
This is ludicrous, Boyle.
Do you have one iotaof evidence?
I found the oboefor sale online.
We traced the IP address back toMr. Weichselbraun's computer.
Oh, John.
Okay, Sarge, everyoneknows you're a superhero,
so you lower Scully and Iinto that skylight
and then fly down to meet us.
- You know that's impossible.- Fine.
We'll lower Scullydown together,
and then flop onto himlike a giant mattress.
No, you go first,then I lower Scully,
and you...you get to catch him.
Great.I love that plan.
Come on.
Whoa!
I got him.
- Look what I found.- French fries?
What?No, it's Hitchcock.
Where would I have foundFrench fries in a weed farm?
Oh, man, look at him.This is bad.
He hates standing up.
To conquer my fearof businessmen,
I must walk among them.
I will shaketheir clammy hands
and listen to them talkabout things like
how hard Wednesdays can be.
Does this outfit lookdrab and lifeless enough?
Also, thanks, Amy,for letting me borrow it.
You're welcome.I wore that suit to prom.
Student chaperone.
I guess thisis really happening.
How about thosequarterly write-offs?
And did you hearabout the merger?
Also, we all need to go inon those flowers for Beth.
Aw, Wednesdays.
Who are you again?
Gina, from Sales.I have the plant on my desk.
Oh, yeah.You want to sit with us.
We'll all be dead so soon.
What?
I would love to sit.
Ugh.
That was a nightmare.I ate a Caesar salad wrap.
I'm so proud of you,you lioness.
You faced your fear.
And I emerged victorious.
Yay!
That was a wig?
You didn't think I'd putmy actual hair in a ponytail?
Are you insane?
Oh, there's the boss.
I ask only one time.Who do you work for?
DEA? FBI? Police?
I'm in the cowboy mafia.
I work for the DallasBuyers Club.
- I came up with that name.- No, you didn't.
It's a movie about AIDS.
You're lying.Let's try again.
- FBI?- Oof!
DEA?
- Police?- Aah!
Oh no, he's not gonna last.
Oh, Jake, you gotto do something.
I don't want tomarry Hitchcock's wife.
Here we come, Chickpea.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!Easy!
Howdy there!
I'd really appreciate itkindly
if y'all would stop punchingmy associate Reno, there.
Let me introduce myself.My name is Alamo.
This here's Tex,and this is...
Fred.Just Fred.
And we are...
the Dallas Buyers Club.
Okay.We make a deal.
Sounds good.
No, I just told themto surround you.
Dagnabbit.Oof!
Look, Sarge, I'm sorrythat we're in this mess,
but on the bright side,
we don't have to dealwith some lame oboist.
You should be apologizingto Hitchcock and Scully.
You took them out of theirhouse mouse comfort zone,
and now they might get killed.
You really thinkthey're going to kill us?
Oh, no, now I'm startingto panic sweat.
Starting to?
What have you been doingfor the past hour?
- Normal sweating.- Wait a minute.
If you get killed,what happens to all your debt?
Loophole!
Oh, you sweaty,chair-spinning morons.
You're gonna get usout of here.
Boyle, may I speak to you?
I don't know.
Are you still madthat I arrested John?
No.
I know he's guilty.I'm just chagrined.
Deeply chagrined.
I finally understand the oldadage, "Never meet your heroes."
This is just like when I foundout Robert Frost was from...
California.
Or when I saw Mario Bataliwith his hair down.
Well, you've handled this casewith the utmost professionalism,
while I've behaved crassly.
I think I've figured outa way to make it up to you.
Oh, my God,is Dianne Wiest here?
No, I've hired a trioof classical musicians
to performa Shostakovich cantata,
originally written asan apology to a dear friend.
Are you stealingkitchen supplies?
Just let us have this stuff.
You have so much,and we have so little.
Perhaps I'll justbuy you a drink instead.
Yeah, that would be best.
Classical musiciansare savages.
They're not gonnakill you fast, Scully.
They're gonnamake it real slow.
First they're gonna scalp you,
and then they're gonnarip your tongue out!
No.That's my cupcake taster!
What are you doing?Lay off him!
Never! For my plan to work,he's gotta be basting in sweat.
Hitchcock, you once told me youcould roll that chair anywhere.
Think you could take itup those stairs?
I once rode a chair homein a blizzard.
So, yeah, I can go up stairs.
So do it.
Oh, he's amazing.
He's like a big, lazyMichelle Kwan.
But how's he gonna getup the stairs?
Jake!He already did.
Okay, it's go time.
Help!My man's having a heart attack!
Help!
Hitchcock, now!
Scully!Grab his gun.
It's not stickybecause I'm so juicy!
Told you I knewwhat I was doing.
Black Fred, think quick.
No, no, ow!That was a gun, man!
Scully, grab that dude's knifeand cut us loose.
We're gonna get the restof these guys.
It's time for Operation Beans,phase two, the refrying.
Sure you're ready to gothrough with this?
You know what?Today was stupid.
But seeing you both overcomeyour fears did help me,
and I think we'veall grown as women.
Okay.
I'm ready.
Stab me! Stab me!
Do it, just do it!
- Rosa?- I'm psyching myself up.
Don't look at them!Look at me!
Do your job!Drain me!
There they are!
Everybody give it upfor Hitchcock and Scully.
To thank you for all you did,
bringing down a drug ring,
we have a little presentfor you:
brand-new, top-of-the-linedesk chairs,
extra padding, with adjustableheight and recline.
Hey, chair!
Get ready to meetyour new best friend:
my ass.
That was very nice of you.
They did good.
Also, I was worriedthey might want
to go out in the field more,
and I need something tokeep them at their desks.
You really think that thatis going to keep them at their...
and they're bothasleep already.
And the city's safer for it.
Sleep tight,you magnificent oafs.
You deserve it.
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPDwww.addic7ed.com/