I called you here
to discuss where we are with Operation 225641441636324.
What?
I assigned a numerical value to each letter
in the word "pimento," which I then squared.
Oh, Captain.
How dare you try and sneak math into this?
Peralta.
Update us on Santiago's undercover prison operation.
Yeah, she has made contact with Jimmy Figgis' sister,
but it's slowgoing.
I hope she comes back soon.
Aww. You miss her?
No, I lost the key to her apartment,
and I'm taking care of her fish.
They're all dead already, aren't they?
- Yeah. - Damn it.
Our priority is still finding Figgis' agent in the FBI.
I think it's time for me to call in a favor
from an old colleague at the bureau, Bob Anderson.
I would've contacted him sooner, but this is a rogue op,
and he's a real stickler for the rules.
He once picked up a penny off the street, which he then
reported on his taxes.
Sounds like a barrel of laughs.
Fortunately, he isn't.
We worked together back in the day and really hit it off.
[radio static]
We're going to be here a while.
Would you like to talk?
I'd rather not.
Agreed.
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/
♪ ♪
Oh, man.
A secret FBI meet up?
I love this!
Look at all those idiots.
They have no idea what's about to go down.
You mean that woman and her baby?
Yep. Idiots.
Oh, here comes Bob.
Please behave.
Hello, Bob.
Good to see you.
And you. Apologies.
It's inappropriate for me to partake in such
informal conversation in front of your detectives.
It's all right. I am equally to blame.
Oh, my God.
There's two of them.
So, Raymond, what evidence do you have
that there's a dirty agent in the FBI?
Let's see the file.
We don't have a file.
You're working file-less?
We saw the guy commit a felony.
He tried to have a cop killed.
Crazy hot cop.
Well, he's a specific type.
Look, the guy we're looking for was wearing a ski mask,
but he's about 5'10". Caucasian.
He's got a big scar on his right hand.
We've been calling him ScarJo, like the actress,
Scarlett Johansson.
What? An actress?
I didn't know that was where that was from.
Bob, I'm so sorry.
- No, I'll look past it. - Okay.
There's an agent that matches that description.
His name is Ryan Whealon.
You think you could ID him if you saw him?
Oh, yeah. I'd recognize that scar from 20 miles away.
You must have fantastic vision.
Or it's a gigantic scar.
I was clearly exaggerating.
Why do you have to ruin everything?
[funky music]
Dr. Schwartz, I'm here for my appointment.
Hello, Cortez. Shabbat Shalom.
"Shabbat Shalom"?
I don't know. Jake made me Jewish.
So how are things going with Maura?
Well, I'm part of her crew,
but she still won't talk about her past.
[radio static]
So, what kind of stuff did you used to do in New York?
What's with all the questions, Regis?
Actually, it's Michael Strahan now.
What? [radio static]
She's so scary.
I saw her pull her own tooth out and throw it into a woman's eye.
Yeah, that's bad. So guess what.
Genevieve just texted.
We're gonna hear about our adoption any minute.
I thought you were doing fertility treatments.
We are, but it's not going well.
The doctor said my sterility is so aggressive,
- it may have spread to her. - Okay.
But, adoption! Charles, that's amazing!
- I know! - Oh, no.
- What? - Maura.
[both clearing throats]
Anyway, Ms. Cortez, your vagina looks great.
Mazel.
[both sigh]
Did you see this morning's newspaper?
No. I get all my news
from a text message chain with my friends.
[gasps] The attorney general might step down!
I'm kidding. It's a GIF of a rabbit eating spaghetti.
There's an article about the Nine-Nine's monthly crime rate.
Those numbers aren't supposed to be public until next week.
Terry, you're gonna have to be more interesting
if you want to get an "oh, dang."
There's a leak in the Nine-Nine!
Oh, dang.
I presented those numbers in a morning briefing,
but I can't imagine anyone would be stupid enough to leak 'em.
Really, Terrence? Look how dumb they are.
- Ugh! - D'aww!
Printer's fixed.
Oh, dang.
[funky bass line]
Tell Peralta Whealon's approaching.
Here comes the douche bag.
Gray suit. Act natural.
[clears throat]
Wow, look at that. What a great magazine.
Sir, if you're interested, the new issue of "Clown Boobies"
just came in. I can unpack the box for you.
What?
Oh. Haha.
Actually, no. I need last month's.
There's a particular clown...
booby... that I'm looking for.
What is Peralta doing?
He appears to be rifling through
"Clown Boobies Magazine."
Whoa!
Stupid butterfingers.
- It's all right. - Thank you.
Here you go.
[radio static]
Thank you. Thank you so, so much.
Not thank you. Not thank you at all, you dirtbag.
Hey, Cortez!
What's going on with you and that doctor?
You seem real tight with him.
No, we're not tight. I barely know him.
So why were you hugging him?
My last appeal got denied, so he was comforting me.
He's a sensitive guy. Maybe because of his Jewish faith.
I want to talk to him. Alone.
Oh. About something medical? Or...
What did I tell you about asking too many questions?
Right. That's that thing you killed a bunch of bitches for.
[quietly] Ah. Got it. Sorry.
We've been watching this guy all day.
Can't believe we haven't even arrested him yet.
We know he's the guy.
We have to build a case first.
4:13 p.m. Subject finishes his coffee. Or tea.
Mark the beverage as "unknown."
Detectives.
What does the FBI database
tell us about Whealon and Figgis?
Both of their files were completely wiped.
I've never seen that before.
Yeah, that's because he's guilty,
and we're just sitting here watching him eat a peach.
That's a nectarine.
It's either a nectarine or a peach.
Just write "unknown stone fruit."
There can't just be digital files.
There must be hard copies.
Those are all under lock and key in the archives.
If I asked for clearance, they could alert him.
Interesting.
So what you're saying is our only option
is to break into the FBI and steal the file.
Don't be absurd.
Bob, I apologize for the absurdity.
I see no absurdity.
Actually, I think Peralta's right.
Let's plan a heist.
Bob?
Blueprints for the New York Headquarters of the FBI.
The file we're looking for
is in the archive room, here, in the basement.
We will be represented by these things I had in my pocket.
All I had was lint. Just a pocketful of lint.
Everybody remember what your lint looks like.
My lint is round.
My lint is approximately 1 centimeter in diameter.
- My lint is blue. - My lint is oblong.
My lint is approximately 1/2 centimeter in length.
My lint is also blue.
Wow, so no pushback on the lint thing? This is great.
Now, I can give you clearance to get in the front door,
but getting into the archive is another matter.
If I go into this bathroom, I could climb through this vent,
drop down into the archive room, and steal the file.
How are you gonna get out?
Pull myself back up the way I came in.
What? I can do a pull-up. Terry will teach me.
This whole area is video-monitored
by this guard here.
I can distract him with conversation.
What do you know about him?
Watches a lot of TV.
I heard him mention "Sex and the City."
Then I will discuss both of those shows with him.
Ooh. "Sex and the City" is one show.
It's not a show called "Sex"
and then another show called "The City."
Okay. Good start.
- Now I know that. - Oh.
I can disable the security DVRs,
but I need some way of getting to a station unnoticed.
I have an idea on how to smuggle you in,
but it'll be a tight fit.
I'm flexible. I do a lot of yoga.
You do yoga?
Helps keep me centered. If you ask me about it again,
I'll hunt you down and rip your face off.
Okay. Great. Good plan. I won't ask you about it again.
I got the DVRs.
Actually, that's my lint. My lint is oblong.
My lint is blue.
Okay! Sounds like we've got a plan. Let's get to training.
- [Charles exhales heavily] - Why does she want
to meet with me? You think our cover's blown?
I don't know, but, just to be safe,
let's review your backstory.
I went to Yeshiva med school, residency at Mount Sinai,
my best friend is Yacob Peralberg,
and we share everything with each other.
Can't imagine that last part coming up, but okay.
[door opens] You got this.
- [both clearing throats] - Well, Isabel,
your baby's head is the perfect size.
Oh, thank you, doctor.
Still gonna hurt when it comes out. Get ready for that.
So you're Dr. Schwartz.
That's me. L'chaim. How can I help you?
I've been watching you ever since you showed up here.
You don't seem like the other doctors that we've had.
It's funny... my best friend, Yacob, is always saying that.
- Oh. - Cut the crap.
- We both know why I'm here. - We do?
Your heart's beating a mile a minute.
It's not because I'm nervous!
Cortez says that you're sensitive. I like that.
I've only been with cheating scum.
- Oh. - Until now.
Ahh! [medical equipment clanging]
Everything okay in here?
- Yeah. - We're all good.
- He was just checking me out. - Mm-hmm.
And I will see you soon, doctor?
- Mm-hmm. - Later.
Yeah. Later.
[door closes] Curse this perfect butt.
How dare you, sir?
Do you really think we would leak information on purpose?
No. We think you're dum-dums and you did it by accident.
Oh. Well, that's very possible.
Yeah, I could see that.
The briefing was a week ago.
Just tell us everyone you talked to since then.
Well, let's see. On Saturday, I got together with my friends,
and we went to the dog track.
We need names.
I lied. There's not multiple friends.
It's just Scully.
Okay. What about you, Scully?
Well, I went to the Knicks game with a buddy.
Was this "buddy" named Hitchcock?
Yes, and we weren't at the game.
We were at the dog track.
Oh, come on, guys.
Is there anyone you could've told the crime stats to?
- Crime stats? - Wait. Do either of you
even know what our arrest numbers were?
- 12. - No!
- Then no. - Yeah, they're not the leak.
[energetic rock music]
[Peralta grunting]
Come on, man. Use your muscles.
Use my muscles? Oh, great.
Why didn't I think about that?
Great advice, Terry.
You know what? It's a pull-up.
There's not much to coach here.
So there's Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha,
but New York City is really the fifth character.
Hmm. What about Steve? He seems nice.
Oh, Steve is nothing. No one likes Steve.
"Steve is nothing."
[grunting]
[laughing] Okay!
[energetic rock music]
I don't get it. Miranda could've had Blair Underwood,
but she settled for Steve?
Oh, but you do get it, sir. See, now you do.
How is you doing that helping me?
♪ ♪
- Scully. - Rosa.
[grunting and screaming]
[cheers and applause]
Good job. Can you do it without screaming?
Pro-bab-ly.
Then we're ready.
Let's break into the FBI.
Oh, come on, Captain. This is such a big moment.
Say it with more gusto.
Indeed. Like this:
let's break into the FBI.
Oh, I see.
Let's break into the FBI.
No. Let's break into the FBI.
Let's break into the FBI.
I feel like I'm doing it.
Let's break into the FBI.
Okay! I think we got it.
Now,
let's break into the FBI!
Good morning.
- Hi. This is for you. - Thanks.
Quite a big package you've got there.
Oh, I apologize for the double entendre.
I can be such a Samantha.
Really?
You don't seem like a Samantha.
Well, I'm actually a combination
of all four characters.
Both: Five if you count the city of New York.
- Yes. - [chuckles]
Another Sex-and-the-Citiot?
Guilty as charged.
My favorite season has to be the third one.
Everything was going right for Carrie.
Her face was on every bus, her column was the talk of the town,
and she met everyone's favorite furniture maker,
Aidan Shaw.
Sure, she melted down when he tried to introduce her
to his parents, and she flipped out
when she bumped into Big getting out of that cab
with Natasha, whom he had married.
Hmm. Who can blame her?
They barely knew each other.
The best episode that year...
was episode six, entitled "Are We Sluts?"
You know the one. Carrie was all in her head
because she and Aidan weren't having sex.
Meanwhile, across town,
Charlotte couldn't stop having sex.
And Samantha? Samantha was just being Samantha.
The season finale that year was entitled "Cock-a-Doodle-Do."
Cock-a-doodle-doo. Roger that.
[clanging]
Whoops.
I hate Big!
Carrie should've ended up with Mikhail Baryshnikov.
What? He slapped her! Are you insane?
[funky music]
♪ ♪
Bingo.
Got the file. Preparing for extraction.
No screaming, Peralta.
[muffled grunting and screaming]
If you ask me, they never should've made the movie.
Abu Dhabi? Abu don't bother.
[laughs] Wow. I'm gonna use that.
- Please do. Have a nice day. - Okay.
Hey. Here you go.
Whoa, wait. Hold on. Stop. Both of you.
That pass is only for the ninth floor.
All right. Let me see that envelope.
Oh, actually, I can't show you that, because...
It's okay.
I asked him to come down and mail that.
I just need to put my return address on it.
And... there you go.
Thanks. I know just where to put that.
Oh! [chuckles] There's Samantha again.
[all laughing]
[funky rock music]
♪ ♪
Whoo-hoo-hoo! We did it!
What? I'm only human.
You can't always expect me
to be the coolest guy ever.
Coolest guy ever? Try telling that to Alan Greenspan.
Nice burn, Bob!
I should've known Maura
wouldn't be able to control herself.
Strong women, they're just drawn to me.
You know, they're all right angles,
and I'm nothing but curves.
This actually could be great, Boyle.
You could romance her into talking, but you shouldn't
do anything that you're not comfortable with.
Oh, no. No, I won't have to. It's not gonna get physical.
You see, the art of seduction is all about making people wait.
- Right. - Genevieve and I
often begin our lovemaking sessions...
Oh. Okay.
With hours upon hours of delicateness...
- Okay. Please stop. - That kind of blow...
Guard!
- You get it. - All right. Yeah.
All right. Sexy playlist. Check.
Seductive voice. Double check.
[door opens]
- [door closes] - Hey, chipmunk.
- Let's do this. - That sounds fun.
But first, I need to sign some charts,
because I am a really... good... doctor.
Get that bubble butt over here.
Oh, I will!
[phone chiming]
Who is Genevieve?
No one!
My chiropractor.
- Then answer it. - Answer it?
I mean, why don't we just stay in the moment?
Why are you such a slave to these little boxes?
Answer the phone, and put it on speaker.
- [phone beeps] - Hello?
Honey, the adoption papers went through!
You're gonna be a daddy!
Oh, my God! I'm having a baby!
I mean... this is the wrong number. Don't call here again!
You're dead.
Maybe you're dead. Please don't hurt me.
Sup, Sarge?
Just digging through the garbage like a normal person?
I'm trying to find out who our leak is.
What makes you so sure that there's a leak?
It might've just been that the reporter was really good
at his job, like that hot blond surfer was at TMZ?
Maybe you leaked it.
Excuse me?
I'm not saying you did it on purpose.
Maybe you left the file on the subway.
I mean, you don't take your job very seriously.
Whoa. We're about to have
our first fight as a couple, Terrence.
First of all, I take my job very seriously.
That's why I'm here right now, helping you,
and I'm the only one doing it.
Or, I was, until you insulted me.
Now watch me walk away.
[thud] I said watch me!
Wow. No wonder Whealon wiped the database.
Look at this.
He quashed all FBI and NYPD operations
relating to Figgis...
drug running, kidnapping, murder...
those are the best crimes; why would you quash them?
- [smack] - Time for waiting is over.
Now is the time for groin-stomping.
Damn right, it is!
Let's go arrest that punk.
He says "punk" just like you.
Where do you think he learned it, punk?
[dramatic music]
NYPD!
- Somebody's been here. - Look: a body!
- We got a body! - Damn it!
He's dead. Figgis got to him.
Wait a minute. He's got a pulse.
No, wait. That's my pulse.
No. It's his pulse. Nope, it's both our pulses.
He's alive! I'm alive! We're all alive!
This case just got busted wide open.
Good news.
The doctors say Whealon's not gonna die.
Thank God. I just hope he's in a lot of pain.
They say he'll be out of the coma within 12 hours.
Great. That means he'll definitely testify
against Figgis, and you know what that means:
time for celebration candy bars!
Stupid hospital vending machines
didn't have alcohol for some weird reason. Here.
Why not? I really have embraced my wild side today.
As have I.
Chocolate and nuts.
Actually, that's overkill.
Indeed.
I'll wait here,
so I can interrogate him when he wakes up.
I'll keep you company.
Why don't you two go home and get some sleep?
Good idea, sir.
We'll head to the bar, get super drunk,
and then head home and get some sleep.
Yeah. Good idea, sir.
Turns out your sensitive doctor isn't who he says he is.
What? What do you mean? Why?
'Cause he's about to adopt a baby with his chiropractor.
Oh, thank God...
that you didn't invest more time in a relationship
with that jerk.
Why can't I find a good man?
Could be because you're in prison for murder.
- Nah. That's not it. - Yeah, that's not it.
Before this, I used to date all my brother's friends
from the mob.
All dogs too.
Never mind. You don't want to hear about them.
No! I do want to hear about them.
Please. Tell me everything about them.
Thanks. That would be nice.
Ahh! Not a toucher. Totally get it.
I'll keep my hands to myself.
What's going on, Sarge? You find that leak yet?
Yes. I'm hiding behind a coffeemaker, spying on everyone
in this office, because I found the leak.
Aww, Terry. Sarcasm is not a good look on you.
But you know what would be?
- A really tight Henley. - Very helpful.
I know who your leak is.
What?
I looked up the reporter who published the crime numbers,
and I noticed you two follow each other online.
He followed me, and you know I'm
a proud member of team follow-back.
So I went through your feed
to see what you were posting.
Lot of pictures of your kids. Nobody cares.
And then I found this picture you posted last week.
"Living that #YOGURT life."
[laughs] Embarrassing.
But what's even more embarrassing, Terry,
is that the arrest numbers are in the photo, clear as day.
Oh, my God!
I was the leak!
I got to take that picture down.
Gina, I am so sorry I blamed you.
And I knew you would say something like that,
so I went ahead and bought myself a cake
on your behalf.
Check it out.
Oh, dang.
And this has been here for the last half-hour, detective.
Didn't even notice it.
God, I'm so sick of doing everyone's job for them.
It's like, help me out a little bit.
Just once in a blue moon.
Well, we did it.
For a second there, I didn't think
we were going to pull it off.
- I knew we could. - And we did. To us!
Oh. What are you guys celebrating?
Terry was mad at us, but we didn't know
what he was talking about, and he went away.
- Huge day. - Uh-huh.
[cell phone chiming] It's Amy.
Hey, girlfriend.
Jake, Maury told me
who Figgis has working for him in the FBI.
Yeah, I already know who it is,
because I just caught him:
Special Agent Ryan Whealon.
Also, I did one full pull-up.
I'm gonna be so buff when you get back.
Cool, babe. Did you get the other guy?
- What other guy? - Someone named Bob Anderson.
[dramatic music]
Bob?
Oh, my God.
Amy, I have to go.
- Bob is working for Figgis. - What?
He must've been the one who deleted all those digital files.
And he tried to have Whealon killed.
But he helped us with the heist,
and there was nothing about him in the paper file.
Yeah, because that wasn't the real file.
[radio static]
I just need to put my return address on it.
And... there you go.
Oh, thank you. [radio static]
We have to call Holt.
[phone line trilling]
Come on, Captain. Pick up. Pick up.
[phone chiming]
Don't answer that, Raymond.
And now I'm going to have to kill you.
Oh, Bob.
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/