♪ Oh, I love you back, you know ♪
- ♪ Let's take it back, hey ♪ - ♪ Let's take it back, hey ♪
♪ I didn't have a chance, I was walking with my bag ♪
♪ Down the street to Harrison Ave, summer's over ♪
♪ Back to class, way before I had a sedan ♪
♪ Hit the bus stop and then glanced at the kids ♪
♪ And then bam, I saw Brittany for the first time ♪
♪ I was in a trance, "Who the hell was this?" ♪
♪ New chick I never met, was friends with girls ♪
♪ But I hadn't really been attracted to nobody yet ♪
♪ But eighth grade was going crazy ♪
♪ This bitch was so amazing ♪
♪ Walked up and said, "Hi, I'm Dave" ♪
- ♪ And then shit changed ♪ - ♪ Whoa ♪
♪ She told me she just moved into town ♪
♪ I knew it, no doubt, I loved this girl ♪
♪ Inside and out, her beautiful smile, her hair ♪
♪ And her style were driving me wild ♪
♪ We sat together on the bus, we sat together every lunch ♪
♪ She had me switching up the polos and ditching yo-yos ♪
♪ I went from moving solo dolo ♪
♪ To being so O-B-S-E-double-S-E-D ♪
♪ Thought about her constantly ♪
♪ On Kazaa burning her CDs ♪
♪ 'Cause I saw her and she saw me ♪
♪ But back then I was gross ♪
♪ I'd do the most for a joke ♪
♪ I'd show my asshole to girls, and I just really wasn't ♪
♪ The brand of guy that would get the girls ♪
♪ I had no facial hair, just curls ♪
♪ And all my friends had kissed a girl, except me ♪
♪ And I just wanted to be realistic about it ♪
♪ I didn't want to mess the whole thing up ♪
♪ And I just loved being around her, so I took ♪
♪ The best friend route, that shit was so fun ♪
♪ I don't care what any of you guys say, the hottest girl ♪
♪ I ever met tickling my arm, going to the mall with her ♪
♪ Chatting on AOL all night, we talked about plenty things ♪
♪ Everything we could, how her parents treated her ♪
♪ And how she felt misunderstood ♪
♪ She would tell me shit on AIM ♪
♪ In person that she never could ♪
♪ I talked her through it, I took a ton ♪
♪ Of pride up in the fact that I made her feel good ♪
♪ Started hanging out up in the basements ♪
♪ Playing spin the bottle ♪
♪ Watching her turn land on Jason ♪
♪ I closed my eyes, until we played the nervous game ♪
♪ Where I would place my hand ♪
♪ Up on her breast over her bra ♪
♪ That was incredible, that was raw ♪ ♪ I jerked off to that all fall ♪
♪ Winter snow days watching... ♪
- DAVE: Cut, cut! Cut, cut! - EMMA: Dave, we're already behind.
- Cut, cut, cut. - Let's get ready to go again please.
- MAN: Right away, everybody! - Okay, right now,
you're making this super lowbrow face when you're grabbing her breasts.
Opposite energy. It's emotional.
This is the love of your life, not some little slut.
You guys are doing really great.
We're just looking for some levels. Like, the in tension...
Guys, please, please, I got to talk to you for a second.
- Play it cool. Cool. - ACTOR: So, like, cooler, right?
Not "cool." Not cool in that way.
- These kids fucking suck. - I know. It's like...
the talent pool in Philadelphia is fucking atrocious.
That's what I told you. That's exactly what I said.
- Well... - But you wanted to shoot here.
You wanted to make it real, so...
It's my parents' house, where all this shit happened...
Dave, Dave, Dave. I need to speak to you,
'cause it's actually... it's kind of urgent.
Look, here's the deal.
Eighth-grade Dave hasn't logged enough school hours,
which means he's gonna get pumpkined,
which means I have to pull him for two hours.
We can't be in this scene in two more hours.
- We're already two hours behind. - I understand. I understand.
But in order to get all the Daves together
for the Evolution of Man scene,
I had to stagger their schooling.
- You understand? So he's... - So what's the solution?
- What's the solution? - Well, the only thing I can think of
is that we have Toddler Dave.
He's available to work right now. Wait, copy that...
- DAVE: Toddler Dave? - Steph, can you cover for me, please?
It's a spin the bottle scene. Like-like, you can't have, like,
an eighth grader get fondled by toddler.
EMMA: You said you wanted abstract.
Can we have the intimacy coordinator over here, please?
- No, that's not the... - We need to know if a toddler
can touch our eighth grader's breasts.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Please, like, we're just spit balling here.
- Let us have a conversation. - Copy. 86 on the intimacy coordinator.
- They're just spit balling. - You got to realize, like,
the reason I'm making this video right now is to engage
a female fan base that I don't even currently have.
Like, ticket sales on this tour are not going well.
Look at my fan base right now. It's all dudes.
- (CROWD CHEERING) - Hi, guys. Good to see you.
And I certainly, like, I love these people,
but it's like we're not even tapping into half the world.
So people need to see my sensitivity at some point.
Yeah, and they're not gonna see anything
if you don't finish the video today.
We leave Philly tomorrow, so...
- figure it out, Dave. - I know. I'm working on it.
But, like, I assume our female director has a P. O. V.
On not wanting the main character of the video
- to act like a fucking animal, you know? - Oh, my God.
Guys, you're both right.
We can cut around the face and move on.
- Cut around the face? - Great. Yes.
- Mm-hmm? - Emma, good call. Let's move on.
Okay. I got to go to playback to understand...
- STEPH: Dave's walking to playback. - Cut around the face?
Dave, if we don't move on, we're gonna lose the light for the bus stop.
Emma, it's my romantic origin story.
They have to see the love,
the heartbreak, all that, you know?
If you didn't know Batman's origin story,
he'd be just a guy who, like, beats...
Can I see playback on that?
Ready to do a test on the cum rig?
Not now, John. Play it back, Lonny?
John, John, John, that's for the coming the pants scene?
- Yeah. - Why is it a boner?
Like, I was totally soft when I came.
Totally soft? Like, no blood at all?
Yeah, exactly. Like, people have seen scenes where guys cum their pants.
This is trauma because I came soft.
I mean, I essentially pissed cum.
Maybe I can hollow this out. It'll hang soft...
- EMMA: Just watch playback. - I don't need, like, an indentation.
I used to call my dick a "life crouton."
- I was jerking off to TRL... - CAROL: David?
David, can I see you for a second, please?
There's blue tape all over the living room walls.
I never said you could use tape on my walls.
DAVE: Okay, it's designed to come off.
- Your house is gonna be fine. - These fucking hearing aids.
We just repainted.
Those walls are smooth as lacquer.
- Okay. It's gonna be okay. - LONNY: Did she say lacquer?
- Huh? - Is there lacquer?
I don't know.
Can I see playback?
♪ Hanging out up in the basements ♪
♪ Playing spin the bottle ♪ ♪ Watching her turn land on Jason... ♪
That's funny.
Well, it's not supposed to be, so that's a failure.
- Oh... - 'Cause... I'm serious.
It's like, this sucks.
These kids are never gonna be able
to inhabit my actual head space.
I wish I could be in this video.
Yeah, well, it's too bad that no one wants to see a 30-year-old
- grope an eighth grader, so new plan. - I get it!
I totally get it. We're hamstrung to these kids.
So at this point, it's like, what generation of Dave
actually has the most sensitivity, of all our actors?
For me, it's that guy Helhim. Can we get Helhim out here?
- He at least can be directed. - Who's Helhim?
Helhim. Uh, I don't know.
Young Dave, one of them. Like, Helhim.
He had a name tag that said... I might be pronouncing it wrong.
He/him. His pronouns.
Andrew's pronouns.
Oh, Andrew's in hair and makeup.
Okay, well, he responds to "Helhim," F. Y. I.,
so he's sensitive to something. God.
Oh, hey, guys, I've been meaning to tell you,
y-you've been hacked.
What the fuck are you talking about, Don?
The-the website on your bus, Dave.com?
It-it goes to a banking site.
No. No, no, that's our sponsor for tour.
It's, like, a banking app. You can request an advance.
GATA: Hey, I got to be in that video, LD.
I could be a young jock.
Gata, you look 45. Where's this kid? Hey.
Hey. I need you to take on a bigger role
than you might have been expecting to, okay?
The key is you got to play this sweet and sensitive,
- and it's... - Dude, put me in anything.
I'm literally gonna slay so much oxtail
when this video comes out.
You're drenching me.
- In-in pussy. - Right.
Right. Roger.
Roger, that kid will not work. He's an actual ape.
- Like, I need different options. - Okay. Brittany's here.
Which Brittany? Which generation?
Brittany Brittany. The one the video's about.
- Brittany Parker? - Right. Yeah.
ELZ: What the fuck? Brittany Parker's here?
DON: Oh! Invite her in.
- It's been years. - She's outside right now?
Yeah. She's out there right now.
How did she even find out I was here? Oh, my God.
- I didn't text her... - Dave, how did she find out you were here?
You are sitting on Harrison Avenue
shooting a music video with your pink tour bus
parked outside with your big-ass face on the side.
And nobody cares, uh, about Brittany Parker.
Dave, we need to make decisions right now. We were talking before.
Are we gonna have to cut the spin the bottle scene?
All right, then, we got to figure out which Dave you like
because I got to get him to wardrobe.
ELZ: Guys, nobody right now should believe
in this Dave, because he's so whipped by this woman, dawg.
I'm not whipped anymore. I'm not in eighth grade, okay?
There's a crowd of people outside trying to meet me.
- Are you crying? Are you crying? - I'm un-whippable.
So stop putting me in that fucking...
GATA: Is this the girl that broke his heart?
Hey, is that the one this video about, bro?
- She broke your heart? - Bro. Broke his heart?
Broke him in half, dawg. This nigga so whipped.
I got to figure out what to do with these guys.
- Dave, make a decision. - Look, at him, look at him.
(LAUGHS)
His dick was green or something, bro.
- Just let him go or...? - MIKE: No, no, don't let him go.
Don't make any decisions. I need one minute to talk to her.
- MIKE: Dave, Dave... - Shut the fuck up!
- ELZ: Leave her outside, bro. - GATA: Damn, dude.
DAVE: This is school?
- Hi. Hey. - He literally is one
of my oldest friends. This is so over dramatic.
Yeah, no, she's with me. We're good, Cliff. Thank you.
- CLIFF: Hey, I'm just doing my job, baby. - Jesus Christ.
Am I allowed to see you now, Mr. Hollywood?
Oh, yeah, I'm not being Hollywood at all.
- I had no idea that you were... - You're not?
- No, I'm not. - This is my day off.
I don't want to spend it in line like a fucking groupie.
Totally understood. Like, my phone wasn't on me
- and I'm really busy and... - Listen, I'm just giving you shit.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - Just relax. Come here.
Yeah.
- Hi, Boobie. - Hey, Boobie. How you doing?
But seriously, why didn't you tell me you were in town?
Because I knew that this music video
would take up every single minute of my time,
and I just didn't want to have, like, a false expectation.
Whatever. What is this video even about?
Uh, like, a period piece.
- Uh-huh. - First and foremost. 2004.
Uh, young love. My perspective on young love.
- Stop. - What?
'04?
Yeah.
It's about us?
Yeah. But I should probably get back inside,
'cause this whole fucking video's going haywire right now.
"I should probably go back inside 'cause the whole video's
- "going fucking haywire right now." - (LAUGHS)
If the video's about us, where's my cameo?
Well, it's, like, kids.
But... yeah.
Want to be in it?
- Fuck yeah. - Want to work on your off day, sweetheart?
Let's go. I'll put you in the video. That's easy.
Hey, we got a whole new plan, okay?
♪ I love you back, you know ♪
♪ With all your tenderness ♪
♪ High school, next year, this a problem ♪
♪ Sophomores, juniors, seniors, everybody saw her ♪
♪ I remember browsing Blockbuster with her ♪
♪ When this senior cocksucker told her she looked beautiful ♪
♪ She blushed, she was popular ♪
♪ I just stood to the side and waited ♪
♪ Obviously, they started dating ♪
♪ Harrison Ave just wasn't the same without her ♪
♪ The bus stop, he drove her to school ♪
♪ In a car with rims and real big bass ♪
- ♪ Hated this guy, hated... ♪ - This way.
EMMA: Dave, it's fine. Just keep going.
(SIGHS)
ROGER: Okay, back to places!
- Getting ready to shoot. - Okay!
Here's where the senior with the cool car's gonna be.
Okay, I need all of this cleared. Cut on rehearsal.
Yes! Boobie, you are a natural at this.
- You're awesome. - Wow.
- You remembered everything. - I did.
God, you were, like, obsessed.
Lil Dicky, I am such a huge fan.
- Aww, thank you. - Ew, stop.
You know he has a purple dick, right?
- I don't have a purple dick. - Maroon. Whatever.
Hey. Can we have a video now or do we have a video
now that Uncle Dave's in front of the camera?
Am I R or W? I knew it was right to put her in the video.
Now I can be in it. She's amazing. This is great.
What's amazing is how she bullied you
into being the star of your video.
That's not at all what happened. I'm actually just, like,
placating her to get exactly what we need.
- Whatever you say. - Where is playback here?
Don't worry about it. Keep doing what you're doing,
'cause it's way better with you in it. You guys have great chemistry.
- Yeah. - (IMITATES WHIP LASHING)
You know, "whipped" is, like, a racially backed term,
- so just keep that in mind. - Sorry, Master.
Hey, show me the next shot that you're setting up.
Way ahead of you. Can I get A-cam to frame up, please?
So I thought it would be good to come in
on Brittany's perspective.
Brittany's perspective? Never from her perspective.
- No, it's like a... - Well, the way I see it is,
- if you see it from her... - No, no. Okay, wait.
What if we came down from my feet,
and it goes up like this: classic hero shot, okay?
And then, when that guy she starts dating...
The older dude with the car... Comes, it's like,
we flip it and we make it underdog mode.
- Where is, like, the guy? - Uh, stand by. One second, there.
Uh, pulling up in that car right now.
- That's him? - Yeah, that's him.
Okay, I'm just gonna give him a few notes.
No, no, Dave, where are you going? Where are you going?
We got to keep shooting, guys! Let's go!
Hey, man. So here's the back story.
I'm in love with this girl,
you're the older guy who starts dating her.
Um...
You said there was something on the props truck
that I had to look at, right?
So I will be right back and we'll th... Yeah.
Who the fuck is that guy?
That's the guy you cast to play Matt.
That's the... Brittany's older lover.
I didn't cast that guy. That's a seven-foot man.
- You picked him. - Yeah, yeah, we cast him.
I didn't know he was the Jolly Green Giant.
I just... We... He just... Sorry.
He's a legit seven-footer. Like, I don't understand.
- His audition was chest-up. You got to... - It's almost at his neck.
EMMA: The eye lines are gonna be all over the place.
- It's gonna look weird as fuck. - Yeah, no shit.
Okay, okay. I tell you what.
We could put him in, like, a green screen suit.
A green screen suit? What's that gonna do?
I don't need to make him disappear
- or, like, turn into a fucking alien. - Okay.
I need a human being to play this girl's...
- We got to shoot... - Can we upgrade an extra, maybe?
- Like, I don't know. - EMMA: Yeah.
Like, that fucking piece of shit kid with the hair?
- Like, he looks kind of... - Oh, yeah, he looks like a piece of shit.
- He's perfect. We got to keep this going. - Okay, hold on.
Hey, Steph, Steph. Go prep the guy with the-the hat, please.
Then you can go release our Matt.
Go ahead and release Matt.
No, don't release the seven-foot guy.
No, no, no. He's, like, a funny visual.
We'll have him sneeze, or do something interesting.
Bending over is funny.
I thought you didn't want the video to be funny.
- Emma, it can have moments of comedy. - Actually, question.
Should we release the Young Daves and Brittanys now
at this point, or-or do you want to hold on...
Are you serious? Release the Young Daves?
What about the Evolution of Man scene where we need every single Young Dave?
- How am I telling you this? - Of course. Yeah, yeah.
Are we getting a crane for that scene?
Okay, we couldn't fit the crane in the parking lot.
They would need a crane to bring in the other crane,
so we just... we couldn't afford it.
Tell Lonny that I need playback ready at all times.
Now that I'm in the video, I can't see what's being shot.
Or you could just trust me.
- Don't do that. - STEPH: Joo! Coffee for Joo!
Joo. Coffee for Joo.
There you go, Joo.
Sam! Coffee for Sam!
- ROGER: All right, places, everyone! - DAVE: Thank you.
ROGER: Getting ready to shoot.
- Hi. - Hi.
- So sorry. - Why are we showing Matt pick me up?
- I thought it was about us. - Uh, it is.
Like, it's just about context and, you know,
like, really getting the full scope of it.
ROGER: All right, everybody!
Can I have background back to one
and we're gonna roll camera!
Car should arrive at "cocksucker."
- The lyric "cocksucker." - Can you do me a favor
and cue the car at "cocksucker," please?
- What? - No, it should arrive on "cocksucker."
- Uh, make sure it arrives... - Can I have last looks for my hair?
Emma, how does my hair look in frame right now?
EMMA: We're on your feet.
Right.
I just think that it's not a wide enough shot. Like...
Oh, my God, I can't stop reading these.
(GASPS) "Dear Boobie Boobois",
"going to the mall won't be the same without you,
but Mr. To bay as hi sends his best."
Mr. To bay as hi. Do you still have him?
I don't know, but hang on, I'm just, like, DM'ing Iverson.
Can you look for Mr. To bay as hi, please?
- Please? (CHUCKLES) - Yeah. Yes, yes.
Mom? Where's To bay as hi kept?
- (WHISPERS): Yes. - Uh, ooh.
Probably in the closet, I think.
Oh, where are you, To bay as hi?
Oh! I found him.
He was eating his chips.
- There he is. To bay as hi. - There he goes.
- I cannot believe you kept all this stuff. - Yeah.
I mean, this period of time had a profound impact on me.
But we evolve, you know?
Did I tell you that I was dating Doja Cat for a little while?
Which one is Doja Cat?
Doja Cat, like, she's made of milk.
She's, like, a huge global pop star.
It started off really hot and heavy.
It's so hard to maintain that level of heat.
You know, like, she's always doing her thing,
I'm always doing mine.
Lifestyles don't always... one sec...
Like, a-allow for that type of thing.
When you're dating someone in the industry,
it's, like, not always... What's up, Steph?
Your mom is in the bathroom and she's not coming out.
What do you mean she's not coming out? She's in this scene.
She's got to come out. Can you get her?
Well, no, I don't feel comfortable
going into the bathroom, it's her house.
Okay, one sec, Boobie. Bye, Mr. To bay as hi.
What's going on?
Dave, Dave, I just got off the phone with Macaroni Grill.
We got to be out of there by 8:00 P.M.,
'cause they have to open up the kitchen.
- What? They said midnight. - I know.
- Well, what are you gonna do? - Did you tell them it was me?
Yeah. They did not know who you were, so...
Okay, so you're saying I'm still an underdog in my own city?
No, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is
- we need to finish this up. - Dave, where are you going?
We're underdogs. It's cool. That's cool.
- I like being an underdog. - Where are you going?
I'm getting my mom.
- Hurry the fuck up. - Okay.
- Mom. - (MUFFLED GROANING)
DON: Oh, Carol.
- (CAROL RETCHING) - Oh, Carol...
Carol, the... oh...
Whoa. What is going on in here right now?
Your mother ate her hearing aids.
She ate her hearing aids?
Yeah. She-she took them out,
she put them on the table for some reason.
To get relief from all the noise.
And-and I had some kettle corn that I got from...
That he just opened up and put
- all over the table. - ...I got it from crafty.
And yeah, look.
This-this is a several-thousand- dollar problem that we got.
- Mom? - Insurance is not gonna cover this.
- Yes? - Uh, c-can you vomit out your hearing aids
after we shoot this one scene, please?
David?
There's still tape all over the walls.
We just repainted.
Okay, I'll tell them to... Just hurry the fuck up, Mom.
♪ ♪
Dave, do you have any free time?
Uh, make playback so accessible,
'cause this is the big scene right here.
She's coming, she's coming. Like, let's just do it.
She'll be here on her mark by the time we start shooting.
Ready to dance?
Oh, my God.
- (SIGHS) - I can't believe we are recreating
this moment right now. Insane.
It is insane. I agree.
So, um, when are we gonna have time to actually hang out?
Uh, like, beyond what we're doing?
I don't know that I will, just 'cause, like,
we're gonna wrap late, and then I have to go on tour tomorrow.
- Mm-hmm. - And my parents, I need to see...
It was a stupid idea, you know?
It's actually kind of insane to want
to carve out time with one of my oldest friends.
I'll... Fine. I will figure out some way after wrap
- to, like, stay up all night. - Did you just say "fine"?
I don't want to be a "fine." I don't want to be a surrender.
No, no surrender at all. I'm excited. Let's hang out.
Because I'd love to chitchat about a few things and catch up.
- I would like that. Cool. - Me, too.
- Cool. - ROGER: You guys good to give it a shot?
- DAVE: Yeah. Let's do it. - Okay.
Perfect. Okay, lock it up!
- I'll be at village. - Okay, roll camera!
- ROGER: Set! - Let's do it right.
And action!
♪ I love you back, you know... ♪
(EXHALES) No.
(MOANING)
- Uh... - Oh, my God.
Yeah. Too much, I think, right?
EMMA: Stay in it.
It doesn't look that bad.
Uh...
Wow, this...
What do you want...
(DAVE STAMMERS)
Mom, get out.
He-he just told me to come in.
I couldn't really hear you.
I'm in the scene, Mom. Just read the fucking script.
Get out! Okay, uh...
All right, way too much cum.
Cut, cut, cut.
What are you d... Are you coming?
You said pissing cum.
This is way too much cum. I'm not a fucking yak.
You said pissing cum.
I'm trying to get, like, a female demographic
- out of this. - That is pissing cum right there.
It's supposed to be highbrow and poetic,
like, no one's ever cum soft, that's why we're doing it.
- Not this. - Well, you didn't tell me that.
I don't know what you imagined, but, like, how could you
- have imagined this? - Look, I mean, that's not fair.
I mean, I worked on this for a long time.
It's too much. Whatever it is, it's way too much.
I got to look at playback and see if this is even usable.
CAROL: That's all over my floor. David?
DAVE: Where's playback? I got to watch that.
CAROL: David, don't get that on my couch.
What is the next scene?
EMMA: It looked less bad on camera
than it probably felt in the moment.
I have to watch playback because it felt horrible.
- This is crazy. - Why can't you just trust me?
Emma, I obviously value your opinion, I really do,
and I'm trying to make this our thing,
but it's still a Lil Dicky video at the end of the day,
and it's got to be my thing, it's my life story.
I'm sorry. Stop guilting me for looking at the footage.
- Hey, we got to watch the playback. - Hey, Dave. Can we talk?
- No, we have to watch the footage. - I'm having an issue here.
- What? - Okay, listen, um...
I-I used to make furniture, okay?
Truly beautiful furniture.
- Okay. - No, it was my purpose in life,
it was my joy, I was really good at it.
I-I did Pat Croce's entire living room.
What are we talking about right now?
As the business grew, so did the pressure.
To relieve that pressure, I-I started to huff.
- To hu...? - To huff. Huff.
Huff. Huff. (INHALES SHARPLY)
- Oh! - Yeah. Shellac, lacquer.
I got a... I got addicted.
- Oh. Oh, God. - Okay? I'd huff,
- create, huff some more, you know? - Yeah.
I smoke weed when I rap. I... You know.
Yeah, of all... Did you lose your family? I did.
That... No, sorry.
- No apologies from you, please. - Okay.
Okay? I lost my family, I lost the store.
And-and, look, these floors, they've recently been redone.
- Fumigation? Yeah. - It's-it's getting bad.
So if I stay here, all right, by the end of the night,
I'm in a dumpster behind a frame store, digging to get that...
You can sleep over. Like, I mean,
it's probably bad to sleep over, but, like,
you don't have to go to the frame store.
- I'll pin you to the bed. - I-I think you're great.
- I'm sorry, I got to go. - No, because if you go,
I won't be able to watch the footage, and I have no idea
- what's going on in the video. - I got to take care of myself.
No, please don't go, Lonny. Please don't go.
- Hi. - Do you have a...
Would you want to blaze?
D... No, no.
- I would not. - Okay.
Boobie! We're gonna give that one more time, okay?
♪ Now she's with this other guy Didn't see it coming ♪
♪ I strategized my hallway walks so I could see her some ♪
♪ The only class we had together, Spanish ♪
♪ What the fuck? I was Carlos, she was Mia ♪
♪ Why do they make us choose Spanish names, by the way? ♪
♪ Isn't that insane? ♪
- ♪ Yes ♪ - ♪ I digress ♪
♪ Of course he cheated on her, she would call me ♪
♪ So depressed, but she kept going back ♪
♪ MapQuest-ing, printing out directions ♪
♪ I designated-drive to his parties ♪
♪ That shit was so ♪
♪ I was soft, I was pussy, I was weak, I was lame ♪
♪ But whatever, I'm in ninth grade, what the hell ♪
♪ Could I say? But one time I stayed home ♪
♪ His party got busted by the po-po ♪
♪ It made me so, so, so, so, so ♪
♪ So, so happy, he got grounded and the dance ♪
♪ Was this week, I never went to those ♪
♪ But now she could just stay home with me ♪
♪ Why didn't I go to them? Okay, 'cause I was scared ♪
♪ Of getting boners on the dance floor ♪
♪ The whole thing was overwhelming ♪
♪ It was just a bizarre social situation ♪
♪ I didn't drink, everyone did, whatever ♪
♪ Back to the story, I was excited ♪
♪ To just chill with her, return to our glory ♪
♪ Then she like, "Dave, wait" ♪
♪ "We should go to the dance together ♪
♪ Just be my date," I'm like, "What?" ♪
♪ She like, "Yeah," I'm like, "Uh" ♪
♪ I came and came, my brain just said yes ♪
♪ Popularity-wise, this is a jet pack, and I miss my friend ♪
♪ And obviously I was fully in love with her ♪
♪ So I said, "Okay, no problem" ♪
♪ I got my suit with my mama ♪
♪ Then we all met up at a fella's house ♪
♪ To take a few pics ♪
♪ 16 girls, 16 guys, parents filming this shit ♪
♪ I pull up with my mama, oh, my God, there's a problem ♪
♪ The fucking guy isn't grounded ♪
♪ He's really there with his arm around her ♪
♪ I couldn't believe it, she said that he showed up ♪
♪ And surprised her, and then of course somebody's like ♪
♪ "We gotta take a wide pic." ♪
♪ 33 people, only one had no date, my mama asking me why ♪
♪ But I felt way too ashamed, so I just lied ♪
♪ I told her that I knew this was happening ♪
♪ And that everything was good and I could not abandon it ♪
♪ So I went with them, in the limo ♪
♪ In the dinner, Macaroni Grill ♪
♪ I'm the 33rd wheel, is this real? ♪
♪ But it got worse, right before the bill ♪
♪ A bunch of waiters and waitresses ♪
♪ Bring a cake to my table ♪
♪ They're all singing happy birthday to me ♪
♪ Happy birthday to me, not my birthday ♪
♪ And of course, this fucking restaurant ♪
♪ Has this custom where you got to stand up on a table ♪
♪ And wave a fucking napkin while everyone stares ♪
♪ I saw the older guys laugh so I just played into it ♪
♪ I'm on a table dancing, embarrassed ♪
♪ But no one knew it ♪
♪ Except Brittany did and she had been drinking, shit ♪
♪ The water bottle full of liquor ♪
♪ Lower than my confidence... ♪
CROWD (CHANTING): Dave! Dave! Dave!
Brittany, where are you...?
- Cut! Where is she going? - Dave, don't call cut.
- We're leaving in two minutes. - Okay.
- Oh, no, no. - Let me reset while we get her, please.
- No, wait, we got to shoot now, man! - EMMA: We can't go again!
...hung up on this girl, man. We have no video now, Dave.
Yeah, we got 90 seconds or they pull that plug.
- Literally. - Okay, well, then bring everyone outside
for the Evolution of Man scene.
- We'll do it out there. - No, Dave,
we don't have permits to shoot outside.
Roger, this is Philly.
Nobody gives a fuck about permits.
Okay, everybody, we're moving outside!
DAVE: Boobie!
We're almost finished. Please don't go right now.
That's the end of your fucking video?
I-I'm not gonna let you make me into a villain, Dave.
Are you actually surprised by the contents of this video?
Like, I'm just showing what happened that night.
Cool, you're just gonna do
the exact same thing you always do to me. Great.
I should've known that this was where it was gonna go.
What are you talking about?
You're used to owning me and controlling me
and manipulating me and having me do your bidding,
- and it's just not that way anymore. - I'm manipulative?
Yeah.
Uh, I came here today to hang out with my friend,
and all of a sudden, I'm in a video
where you're making me look like an asshole.
If you feel like an asshole by watching what went down in there,
again, I don't know what to tell you.
That's just, like, what occurred.
You know what I think?
What you're actually feeling is the fact
that I've moved on from you.
Boobie?
We just spent a whole day shooting a video about me.
It's closure. It's closure.
You're clearly not over it.
And you left out the biggest fucking detail.
What?
That we dated for a month after that.
One month, Brittany. You gave me one month.
Five years of being your absolute best friend,
and then what happened?
You broke my heart so quickly
for another piece of shit older guy.
So forgive me for not including that second ending
in this video, okay?
It fucking killed me.
And it really is probably exactly why
I am today the way that I am today.
This fucking relationship.
(LAUGHS): Okay, well, yeah.
Uh, it's life, Dave. I don't know what to tell you.
I was 16 years old. It was depressing for me, too.
I had family problems.
I was fucking cutting myself.
That sucks.
I obviously did not know that.
I'm just trying to tell my story.
Great, tell your story. That's fine.
But I'm not gonna tell it because it's not mine.
And I'm not gonna be a prop in your...
"female demographic video."
Where are you going?
(SIGHS) That's my boyfriend, Dave.
We've been dating for three months.
But how would you know that, right?
'Cause it's not as interesting as dating Doja Cat.
Does he have a pink, thick dick?
I really loved you.
It doesn't seem to matter to you at all.
It... Of... It always will matter.
ROGER: Dave. Dave.
There is no time.
- Yeah. - We're done.
I mean, maybe one setup. I...
Tell me what you want to do.
Do we have any Brittanys still here?
Yes, actually. One. Uh, wardrobe lady's daughter, so...
- Which generation is that? - I don't know.
Doesn't even matter. Get her camera-ready.
I just need, like, five minutes
to sit and think about the ending of this video.
- Yeah. - 'Cause I have an evolution...
Copy that. Okay. Uh, hey, uh, Steph. Um...
I have an idea to get it pretty fast in, like, one take.
Do you want to see it?
Uh, do what you see. I really do trust you.
Oh.
Okay. Let's go.
- Uh, Roger? - ROGER: Yes?
EMMA: Okay. We got one take to do this.
Action.
♪ I told her everything on my mind, I told her everything ♪
♪ Every single song that made me think about her every day ♪
♪ Everybody said that we're just kids ♪
♪ But that never changed the fact ♪
♪ That to this kid, you were his everything ♪
♪ The next part I will never forget ♪
♪ She walked right up to me slowly ♪
♪ Then she gave me a kiss ♪
♪ First kiss, ugh, no way, no ♪
♪ Oh, my God, then she said, "I love you, too" ♪
♪ I didn't believe her at first, I thought she was drunk ♪
♪ But then the next day, she was singing the same song ♪
♪ She ran over to my crib and was all over me ♪
♪ We started kissing, touching, blushing, gushing ♪
♪ There was no humping yet, not then ♪
♪ But I would settle for love ♪
♪ Got my first hand job in the park ♪
♪ Really came out the mud ♪
♪ I couldn't believe it, it was a dream ♪
♪ I planted my seed on Harrison Avenue yet again ♪
♪ I really did it, huh? ♪
♪ And then all of a sudden, it was done ♪
♪ Just a month long and then she moved on ♪
♪ I never knew someone could make you feel ♪
♪ So right and so wrong ♪
♪ So good and so bad ♪
♪ Either way, I had what I had ♪
♪ And it showed me I was who I was ♪
♪ And that I was worthy of love ♪
♪ I love you back, you know ♪
♪ I love you, girl ♪
♪ It's the Evolution of Man ♪
♪ I love you, girl ♪
♪ I'm still evolving ♪
♪ But you know ♪
♪ I love you, girl ♪
EMMA: Amazing. Cut.
sync and corrections by solfieri www.addic7ed.com
♪ I love you back, you know ♪
♪ ♪
♪ With all your tenderness ♪
♪ I love you back, you know ♪
♪ Yes, I do ♪
♪ I love you back, you know ♪
♪ Yes, I do ♪
♪ I love you back, you know. ♪