F A N T A S T I C P R E S E N T A
♪ Pa, pa, ra ♪
♪ Pa, ra... ♪
Hey, um...
We're about to have gay sex, aren't we?
Is that not why we're here, in a bedroom?
Yeah.
Yeah, I just, um...
Yeah.
This moment doesn't feel great.
Uh, it's just...
I haven't ejaculated since my dad died.
Yeah, it just really hasn't felt
like a priority, and now, um...
I guess I'm a little worried that my penis has forgotten.
Yeah.
I promise usually I get erections, okay?
Like, my penis is the only reliable thing about me.
What else have I got to offer you?
Let's find out.
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com
This was $320. I looked it up.
My dad was saving it for a special occasion.
An unsuccessful plan
that I do not think we should repeat.
- [CORK POPS] - [LAUGHS]
- Shh. Shh. - [LAUGHS]
- Shh. - Sorry.
NICHOLAS: I need you to appreciate that I'm an entomologist.
Okay? And not just some creep with a bowl of bugs.
[LAUGHS] Okay, I'll adjust my attitude.
These are blue death feigning beetles.
They're my favorite at the moment
because they match my color story.
The blue is a wax they secrete
so they don't lose too much moisture when they're in the desert.
- ALEX: Hmm. - Their names are Sapphire.
Um...
this beetle is dead.
What?
It's hard to know how traumatic this is gonna be for you.
No, no, no. She's not dead. She's just playing.
She's like a little actor, like Meryl Streep.
Like Gone Girl.
I don't get it.
Uh, the movie? They-they fake a death.
Is Meryl Streep in it?
- No. - Is it gay?
- No. - I wouldn't have seen it.
ALEX: Well, the fatal flaw of capitalism is that,
to avoid a recession, we have to increase
what we produce and what we consume always and forever.
We aren't allowed be satisfied.
We always have to consume more,
but there isn't endless more, you know?
Just pivoting off that,
uh, this is our ornamental vineyard.
What's in that one?
Okay, I'm, like, happy to introduce you to Stephanie,
but you're absolutely not allowed to be rude to her, okay?
You're a guest in her house.
She can't help who she is.
Okay.
[WHISPERING]: Hey. Shh. Just relax.
ALEX: Ah. [CHUCKLES]
She's a rescue.
She's stunning.
Now I'm gonna put her on you.
Oh, uh, that's okay, I'd rather take things slow.
- Sit there. - Okay.
Lean back.
There you go.
Hmm.
Now compliment her.
Wow, Stephanie, you're very pretty.
No, compliment her mind.
[SIGHS] Okay, get her off.
Okay, all right, all right. Just be still. Be still. Be still.
- I am still. - Okay.
Please.
[SIGHS]
Hmm. [SIGHS]
Okay, well, what's next?
All right, I'll show you my sisters.
That's them.
Yeah.
I have power of attorney over them.
Yeah, if one of them goes on life support,
I have to decide when they die.
Me. Would you want that?
- I wouldn't... - [LAUGHING]
That's not a good situation.
That was so creepy.
That wasn't creepy, it was cute.
They're cute.
We like watching them sleep.
[LAUGHS]
Do you know how hard it is to keep a pool clean?
'Cause I don't.
Do you have anything kinky?
No.
Mostly I just like being nice to each other,
I don't like a lot of fuss.
But I can adapt if you need me to do something weird.
No, no, that's...
that's more or less what I like, too.
- [IN AMERICAN ACCENT]: I'm an American. - Okay.
I like to put incongruently sweet
- things on my breakfast plate. - Okay, I'm just saying
that you came for me for my accent, that was awful.
[IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]: Good day. A dingo took my baby.
[NORMAL ACCENT]: It's not... I don't even know why
Americans think this is funny.
You know, a dingo actually took that lady's baby.
Like, a dingo took her baby.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
It's fine. I mean, it didn't take my baby.
[CRYING]
Sorry. [SNIFFLES]
Sorry.
Wait.
My crying gave you an erection?
Okay, not just the crying.
It was like a cumulative erection.
[LAUGHING]
[MOANS]
Boom.
I did it. I'm a man.
We can't here, though.
We have to get it from here to your bed.
It's like when in The Great British Baking Show
they have to get a tall cake up to the judges.
[MOANING SOFTLY]
[MOANS]
I'm just not sure if I'm allowed to sleep out here.
We've all slept in Dad's room every night since he died.
Uh, okay, like...
I can't go home though.
Because it's impossible.
I could sleep here in your...
carpeted garage.
I don't know. Maybe they don't care.
Do they care? What do you think?
I think that it's concerning you think
I could have any insight into this.
I wish I could call an adult.
[LAUGHS]
Honestly, maybe I'll get sad not sleeping in Dad's bed.
[SIGHS]
You can't sleep like that.
I feel embarrassed that I've been so vulnerable
for you when you're a stranger.
I'm having a nice time,
and I think that you should do what you want to.
I'm gonna run away now.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
[CHUCKLES]
See ya. I love you.
Hey, uh, Genevieve.
Hello, Leonard Jones.
Can I, uh, can I borrow you for a moment?
As long as you give me back.
Sorry, that was weird.
But... but, what you said was weird,
so I think we can agree to both be embarrassed.
Okay, well, I just...
I wanted to say sorry
for throwing those tampons on you before your dad died.
I barely remember it.
- LEONARD: Really? - No, I remember.
You know, I can't think about anything worse
than my dad dying.
That's not a "just you" thing.
When I told my dad what I did to you,
my dad said to me,
"Leonard, is this who you really are?
"Do you take on a persona at school,
like how you think dudes should act?"
And my dad was totally right.
That's... That's what I did.
So I just...
I wanted to apologize.
Yep. Yeah, you did it.
From now on, I'm gonna be the guy who I am inside,
you know, and not, not the other dude.
[SOBBING QUIETLY]
Hey, Tilda.
Good to have you back, buddy.
Jeremy wants you to know that he organized this.
Ha! N-no, no, no, I don't.
But you asked me to find a way to mention
the card was your idea.
I found a way.
It's nice.
I told you so.
I thought it looked too much like a celebration.
Tilda, guess what?
We've been practicing how to give our condolences,
am I right?
Can we do that later?
SAM: Okay. Sure.
Uh, Matilda, have you been eating a lot of dairy products?
Of course.
Oh, that makes sense.
I find when I eat too much dairy, I smell.
Oh, my God, I smell?
Yes, that's why I brought it up.
But it's okay, I'll help.
[SNIFFS]
It is very sour.
I realize this is something I shouldn't have brought up.
I-I-I-I need to go shower.
I'll come.
I won't follow.
Hey, Matilda, you're back.
I'm not being rude.
- Oop. - She can't talk.
She smells like dairy.
Oh. Okay.
- [WATER RUNNING] - [MATILDA SOBBING]
Are you crying?
No.
Okay.
So I guess this is how it's gonna be, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah, I think...
I think this is how it's gonna be for a bit.
BARB: It's nice that he apologized.
I'm worried he thought his monologue was so beautiful
that it made me cry.
But, like, he just kept bringing up Dad
over and over and over like a psycho.
I mean, normal people don't bring it up.
Let's change the subject.
What'd I miss?
Tellulah's been high off the drama.
You're right, I have been.
Literally everybody's been asking me what type of cancer,
and I was too nervous to ask you,
so I just said it started in the toe.
That's what happened to Bob Marley.
Also, Tellulah thinks Mr. Foster has a crush on her.
I don't think, I know.
It's beyond his control.
Can we just stay under these coats forever?
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
- Hi, Mum. - PENNY [OVER PHONE]: Hello.
The gardener stopped coming when Dad died,
and I don't have his number.
PENNY: I'm on the way to the gym.
I've just had my entire face lasered, but I don't care.
Should I just get a new gardener? He was a nice gardener.
PENNY: I look like I've just put makeup on, no one cares.
I just look like I've been out in the sun.
That's all.
It's amazing what they can do with lasers.
I think I look exactly the same. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, well, we'll see. Are you well, darling?
Mm-hmm.
Holding down the fort.
Well, don't forget to enjoy yourself,
you are sacrificing a lot.
You don't wanna end up all consumed by this
and then you never get your own life.
Like your Uncle Chris.
He never thought he was good enough.
Nothing happened for him.
- I think I'm good enough. - PENNY: You are.
You're the most amazing person.
Oh, God.
I'm getting a bit teary.
You've just always been really nice.
And I don't wanna see people taking advantage of that
and then you get left out of things.
The old gay by the fire.
Oh! How depressing.
I have to go now, Mum.
PENNY: Oh, I did it again. I said I wasn't gonna do that.
I got serious.
I'm not depressed or anything.
Well, good. You don't have anything to be depressed about.
NICHOLAS: Thanks, Mum.
PENNY: I'm here now. I'm at the gym.
There's this instructor with the most incredible body.
- Talk to you soon, darling. - Bye.
[GROANS]
[YELLS]
Oh.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
[BEEPS]
Hello?
Hey, Nicholas, it's Sam.
Mm-hmm.
SAM [OVER PHONE]: Matilda's been very determined
to apply to Juilliard,
which is so exciting.
- Has she mentioned this to you? - Constantly.
SAM: If she were to get into Juilliard, let's say,
but now with your loss and everything that's going on,
I'm concerned we're being too ambitious here.
Yeah, I'd like to hear a lot from you about this, I promise,
it's just that now is, like, not a good time.
Okay, no worries.
It's just with less than a year left,
we need to put some structures in place,
but you're busy now, so another time.
Yeah. No, but this sounds important.
Yeah, usually...
Wait. Don't you have to go now?
Yeah, sorry, I gotta... I... Yep.
SAM: Okay, great.
Bye.
- [BEEPS] - [WINCES]
No. No, Larry, not now, not now.
Hey. Hi.
- [WHIMPERING] - Hello.
Hey, um...
How-how was it?
What is happening?
Um... Yeah, I, um...
I got locked out, and then I fell
and then, um... this.
- Ugh! No! - That looks broken.
Yeah. This? I think it might be, babe.
- Genevieve, I need you. - I cannot bear your mutation.
I'll pop it back in.
You will do no such thing.
- I can do it. I watched a video. - Absolutely not.
- Yes! Yes! - No, no.
[HISSES] Step back.
Why didn't you go to the hospital?
I wanted to be here when you got home.
Well, that was nice.
My one job.
Also, misguided.
Yeah. Yeah, it was.
Don't worry. We'll figure this out. When did this happen?
I don't know. Somewhere between five minutes and three weeks ago.
- GENEVIEVE: How? - It doesn't matter.
My hands were, like, the only symmetrical thing about me.
I want to help!
Get away, get away, get away.
I'll get the First Aid kit.
Matilda, you are not a doctor.
You've never been a doctor. And you will never be a doctor.
You're supposed to tell me I can be anything.
Everybody has their limits.
Then we should go to the hospital.
None of us drive.
I have been meaning to talk to you about that.
You're taking a picture?
GENEVIEVE: I'm-I'm ordering a car.
You know, solving the problem.
Okay, well, would you maybe take a picture?
GENEVIEVE: Uh, yeah, sure.
[SIGHS]
Leilani is, um, 28 minutes away.
Twenty-eight minutes away? Why do we live out here?
I wish we lived in Paris.
MATILDA: Where's he going now?
No one's ever gonna love me like this.
- [GROANS] - Okay.
Okay. Le-let's distract you.
- Please. - We could tell you a story.
Or would you prefer to tell us a story?
Because you're so self-involved.
Why are you being so mean?
I'm trying to distract you.
Oh, thanks.
Nicholas, do you have your insurance card?
I remember getting one.
- GENEVIEVE: Oh, boy. - You'd have to take it with you.
They expect me to know where that is?
Why else do you think they sent it?
Nicholas, story!
NICHOLAS: I have a story I was gonna tell anyway.
I have story about Genevieve.
- Sure. - Will we get a story
about me afterwards?
No, I don't... Oh.
Maybe. Yeah, maybe.
Um, so, all right, so you were kids, right?
So far the facts check out.
And, like... I don't know how much of this you remember.
Do you remember hating me?
Yeah, 'cause you were coming here and stealing my dad.
That is so unfair
because you literally stole my dad.
He's right. We did.
[LAUGHING] Um, so...
you were having this tantrum one day, I don't know why,
I, like, took a bite of your sandwich or something.
I don't remember, but I do stand by my tantrum.
And that triggered Matilda having one of her meltdowns
about, oh, God knows what.
I used to get upset out of empathy for Genevieve.
Thank you, Matilda.
I love you both.
Love you, too.
We should ice it.
Sorry, I just... I can't remember where I'm at in this story.
As usual, you're remembering yourself
as the hero in the story,
and everyone else as the villain.
Oh, you were a villain child.
You used to come into my room when I was napping,
start crying, and then tell Dad
that I hit you when I didn't.
- MATILDA: The ice tray is empty. - You always add 20 percent.
- You exaggerate. - You always subtract 20 percent.
You used to steal from me.
Ugh. You steal one puff pen...
MATILDA: We're out of frozen peas.
We're not out, babe, we don't buy them.
I didn't live this long and work this hard
to slum it with frozen vegetables.
Actually freezing vegetables
preserves their nutritional content.
Okay.
Uh, Matilda, I don't think we need ice.
Yes, we have to ice it.
- We have to. - Am I pale?
Nicole Kidman is pale and you love her.
Spinach!
NICHOLAS: Okay, so Matilda's meltdown
triggers Genevieve having a second bigger tantrum this time
about the fact that anytime Genevieve gets upset
Matilda gets more upset,
so then Genevieve never gets any attention.
Is this the only part of the story I'm in?
Matilda, think you've forgotten your act of listening skills.
And I'd like to preface that I understand suicide isn't funny,
and I know lisps aren't funny,
but then, because of Genevieve's lisp,
when she tried to announce that she's gonna go and suicide,
it came out as "thuicide," which is just...
I mean, that's undeniably funny.
GENEVIEVE: I'm on the edge of my seat,
waiting to hear what happens next.
So you flounce off in a tantrum,
but I couldn't go with you, 'cause I had to help Matilda.
This will help with the swelling.
I'm sorry, honey, but I'm absolutely not putting that on my finger.
Then why did you have me make it?
I don't think I did. Did I? Did I?
Wait, wait. So you didn't look for me
even though I was planning to suicide?
- "Thuicide"? - You weren't going to "thuicide."
- You don't know that. - You were always all talk.
What happens next?
Well, then I find Genevieve in the car,
all dramatic and dead-looking.
But you weren't dead, were you, babe?
Not physically.
For some reason, you thought
that leaving the heater on in the car
was a way to commit suicide.
- It works on dogs! - She's right.
[LAUGHS] Okay, okay.
And then you had this, like, suicide note in your hand.
I did not have a suicide note in my hand.
Oh, my God, I'm so glad you don't remember this.
I'm just thrilled you don't remember this.
You used to be fat, I remember that.
I found the suicide note this morning.
It reads, "I tried to warn him, but he didn't listen.
"I don't want this to hurt anybody, just Nicholas.
Pet Winona goodbye for me."
And then it goes on to say,
"Nicholas is a faggot."
You can't say that!
Well, it is pretty impressive I knew before you did.
[NICHOLAS LAUGHING]
[SIGHS]
Is Leilani close?
Um...
[BEEPS]
Uh, she-she canceled.
Okay.
L-lisps aren't funny, suicide isn't funny,
but her yelling that she wanted to commit "thuicide" is funny.
Wait, your sister tried to kill herself?
Not recently. She was just being a dramatic little girl.
That's pretty messed up.
Oh, no, I-I...
Oh, no, I just didn't tell the story right.
It was funny.
Suicide is not very funny.
No, but the story is.
- Wait. Let me tell it again. - Okay.
So Genevieve is seven,
and I'm ten and Nicholas is eighteen.
And Genevieve starts having another tantrum.