PIGEON COOS
SHE SCREAMS
What is it? What's going on? The pigeon's back! It's alive!
Where? Up there.
I can't see anything.
Oh, great...
Oh, it must be a ghost. How many times, Kitty?
Sleep in your own room.
I prefer it here.
Aren't you late for work?
Mike, we're late for work!
HE SNORES
Get out!
Bum.
Right.
Bum, or neck, or leg, but first choice, bum.
Is it cooked? Of course, I'm not an animal.
Could've fooled me. Hey, you want some?!
All right, all right.
So, Robin misses eating bum.
Of... Oh, any bum. Rump steak, why not?
If I may, Patrick... Well, we haven't actually finished yet...
Good. Now, I can't be the only one who is sick of the noise
night after night. Oh, not this again...
No, I am not talking about you, Fanny.
I am talking about Alison and Michael banging.
All evening!
Banging, hammering, drilling, it's intolerable!
They've been forced to get jobs in the day.
Now it's time to force them out in the night.
But then they'd be gone. Exactly.
Bye, guys! Bye, Mikey. Have one for me.
We've got some more free gooseberries.
Now we're going to the pub.
They're going to sit in a nice pub and drink four pints, probably.
Oh, my God. That sounds nice.
And we've got to go home and strip 26 doors. 27.
And the skirting boards. Ah!
I miss pints. I miss pints.
They're broken, in retreat, out of their depth!
I believe it's time for one last push.
Strike while they're weak. Get them out for ever.
I don't want to! What? I like them!
I like Alison, and I miss her when she's not here.
So much. You're too soft. You like everyone.
Well, I don't like you!
Bossing everyone around all the long day!
Since they've arrived, you've become worse and worse
and I've had enough, to be actually honest!
Amen! Well, I haven't heard anybody else complain about my leadership.
Leadership? You're not the leader! Yes, I am!
I'm ranking officer. Well, we're not soldiers.
Yeah, this isn't the Army...
..Sir.
Oh, I see what this is. It's a coup, isn't it?
A bloodless coup! What, is it you, Julian? Taking over?
If one were called upon to govern, by the will of the people,
one would be honoured. No-one has to be in charge.
I agree. Pat should be in charge. No, that wasn't what I said.
No, it's fine.
I'll leave.
But you'll see.
When there's a crisis, you'll need me, when the chips are down.
Bum chips!
Bum and chips. OK.
Which brings us back to food club.
Now, Julian would like to talk a bit about fondue. Fondue.
Well, it's Swiss, I think. Very interesting, very fun.
In fact, sometimes I call it fundue.
HE SNORTS
They're home!
Essentially, it's melted cheese with little bits of bread.
Bread and cheese?
Sorry, Humphrey!
No, no, it happens.
Don't worry about it.
Alison! Alison!
Oh.
You're not Alison.
DOOR BELL
We concentrate on the windows this week and then we can start
on the sandblasting.
Who's that? Mike? Mike! Lager top, please.
Who is that?
Sorry. Can we help you? No, thank you. You get on.
We're not in at the moment. Excuse me?
You don't need to ring the doorbell, we're here. Oh!
I'm such a silly pillock! I thought you were the groundsman!
Well... We're everything. We're the everything men.
Yes, it doesn't look like a lot of gardening's gone on around here.
I'm Fiona, Harrington Hotels. Alison. Mike.
Now, I'm not going to beat about the proverbial,
we have been looking at this property for a long time.
And when we heard that the owner had finally passed away, sadly,
we had thought it would hit the market.
But rumour has it that you two
are a couple of budding hoteliers yourselves.
So you can tell me to get the hell off of your property,
if you'd like.
But would it interest you to talk about selling the place?
Oh... Well, I mean, it couldn't hurt to talk a little bit.
Couldn't hurt at all. What's the opposite of hurt? Pleasure.
It would pleasure me to talk about it. Yeah.
No, no. You're missing the point.
It's perfectly absurd to dip individual pieces of bread
when one can hold a full slice in one's hand!
It's not about the cheese! It's about the fun!
Right, so if you drop a piece of bread,
you have to do a saucy forfeit.
That's when it gets very interesting.
There's the lucky dip. That's a good one.
And then there's the Swiss roll, first you remove your...
Everyone, everyone, everyone! Come quick!
There's a lady downstairs with red hair and she wants to buy the house!
TALKING OVER EACH OTHER
(WHISPERING) Shh! Guys, I don't know.
SHE COUGHS Sorry.
Gooseberry? No, thank you. Maybe later.
So when is the work going to start? It has.
Oh, of course it has.
So when do you expect to open? Oh, she is a spunky one!
Straight down to business!
Well, we've had a few setbacks, to be honest. Just a few?
We spent all our loans on drainage and the roof.
But we've been doing the renovations ourselves,
so that's free. Apart from materials. Apart from materials.
Well, you must be exhausted, you poor little dumplings.
So we thought when we get the first couple of rooms finished,
then we'll open it like that while we do the rest. I see.
How many staff? Two.
Oh, like a B&B. At first. Aww.
Well, it sounds like you really are doing your best.
Of course, Harrington Hotels has the finance
to use a vast team of contractors,
get the renovations done within the year.
Within the year?
And of course, as you know, there's the start-up costs,
the services, the marketing, the big opening event,
blah, blah, blah.
We can afford the short-term loss for the long term gain.
Of course. Yeah.
And we'd be willing to make you a generous offer.
Now, this ought to be a large sum.
This house is worth at least £1,000.
Heavens above!
Oh, the big boys are in town! Shillings!
Is that the sort of amount you were thinking of?
Yes, please.
It does look like a lot when it's written down.
Subject to survey, of course.
Shall we take a look around the rest of the house?
Yeah, please, yeah, follow us.
My God! Does this mean they're leaving? Yep.
Taking the money and running.
And worse, you heard the lady, this place will be a hotel
before you can say...
Hotel. Hotel. Oh, no, I said it!
Common room. Now!
If everyone can make it, and wants to.
NOISES OF AGREEMENT
Excuse me!
Yeah... no.
I don't suppose you could move me away from his large hole?
Who's that lady with Michael and Alison?
Didn't the others tell you? No.
We are having a little break from each other, actually.
Oh, yeah? Got sick of you being a bit of a prat, did they?
No. Absolutely not! It was the other way around, if anything.
Now, come on. Who is she?
Well, apparently, she's buying the house.
So are you going to move me away from the...
You're not there any more, are you?
Yeah, he's gone.
Guys, guys! Listen up!
We need to think of a plan!
Oh, he sounds like the captain!
No, Captain would be more like,
"Fall in! Take charge!"
Right, pipe down, everyone!
Quite enough of me being a smelly old walrus!
I'm going to boss everybody about and never think
of anything myself!
OK, guys, OK.
Let's get to it.
If that's all right with everyone?
We just need to give them clear, calm reasons not to sell.
CHATTERING LOUDLY
She's a witch, and I should know!
Well, it's a big decision and you need time to think about it.
So, any questions, just give me a tinkle.
I mean, I think, yes. No! Yes! Done.
Great! So, I'll set the wheels in motion, get surveyors booked in,
and we'll take it from there. OK?
PHONE RINGS
Sorry, I'm going to have to get this.
Speak soon. Don't forget your gooseberries.
Oh. Thank you.
It's in the bag. They haven't got a clue what they're doing.
They practically ripped my arm off.
Yeah, yeah, we can get this for a steal.
GHOSTS CHATTER
Enough, enough, enough, OK?!
We tried, we really did, but we can't afford to do this any more.
You need money? Mm-hm. Right. Powwow, upstairs, now-wow.
I will find you means if it's the last thing I do.
OK, they're gone. So they want us to stay now? Yeah.
No, I know, I don't understand them either.
But they're not going to be our problem soon.
We can find an un-haunted house to live in.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves there.
Yeah, no, we should wait until it's official
before we start looking at houses.
Sorry I'm late. Oh, I remember you guys. Yeah.
Wow, your budget's changed. Well, my great auntie died.
I'm really sorry to hear that. No, it's fine. I never met her.
Right.
I mean, the front terrace really sells this place.
So impressive.
It was renovated by an architect who lived here first, I believe,
in the '60s. Let's take a look inside, shall we?
No.
Sorry? No.
I'm just not really feeling this one.
Sure you don't want to see inside? No.
She's very instinctive. Goes with her gut.
I know, put the house on wheels, or a cart, move it to pastures new.
Then the hair lady can build the hotel in its place,
and ours the house forever will be.
OK. Well, it's not OK, is it? You can't put a house on wheels.
No, it all comes down to money, right?
So if they can find their own investors...
Me no want hotel.
With respect, Robin, hear me out.
It doesn't have to be a hotel if there are investors.
It's very clever, you see.
You tell them they've invested in offshore high-yields, all right?
And then the profits they receive are just funds from other investors
and so on and so forth. Sounds a bit like fraud, mate.
Yes, sure, Pat.
But sometimes you have to bend the rules in order to make them...
make you some money, so...
We sell cakes! We can't make cakes. Buns, then!
That's not the issue, Kitty.
I have it!
I shall ghost-write a novel, in Alison's name!
A modern bestseller, the most erotic fiction of the year.
Oh, no. Michelle was driving a car...
Oh, good Lord...
Nathaniel was sitting handsomely in the adjoining seat,
he leans over and kisses her nape.
"Be careful," she warns breathlessly,
"I'm trying to drive a car!"
Yes. Someone take this down! Quick, quick, quick!
Michelle drive car.
Nathaniel look nice in next chair...
..and then they do it.
I'd buy that.
Where was I? Nathaniel caresses her...
OK, so, here we are. The penthouse.
Nice to be up high. Away from it all.
Indeed. OK, then.
First thing I'm going to show you, because let's face it,
that's why we're up here. The view.
You've got to be joking.
I know, stunning, isn't it?
And a balcony there, if you're into gardening.
And even if you don't, you could barbecue there.
And it's south facing, so, you know, when the sun's out you can...
GHOSTS: Hello! Hello.
Hello!
I just remembered, I don't like heights.
It's not for me, thanks.
Nein, nein!
Harbingers of doom. We are running out of time.
We'll think of something. We have to.
Now, then, you might not like it, but we must have order,
direction, leadership. Yes, what is it?
Nigel, um, why are you here? Good question.
I'm here to help.
You clearly need leadership.
Ramshackle bunch, moping about down here all day,
feeling sorry for yourselves.
Now, look, I can lead you upstairs, get you new quarters.
There is no reason why we shouldn't be enjoying
the whole house together. We'll show them.
I don't think we'll be doing that. No.
What is it? Are you stuck down here or something?
No, we just don't really like going up there.
Not bothered. The smell...
Do you not get tired of one another? Well, we do.
I mean, sure, we do fall out from time to time,
but it's never lasted longer than 20-25 years.
Exactly.
The thing is, Captain, this is our home.
You know, we were thrown in here together, and I suppose
we belong together at the end of the day.
Yeah, it might be a plague pit, but it's our plague pit, isn't it?
I see. Yes.
Oh!
And we've seen some amazing places.
Not a bull's-eye yet, but we'll get there.
Yeah. Now, your business plan indicated 18 guest rooms, didn't it?
Mmm. Oh, yeah, the business plan, yeah.
Ah, well, I'm immediately realising
we can't accommodate that many rooms. I'm such a silly duck.
A lot of space needed for facilities, spa,
swimming pool, etc, so I think my valuation
might have been a teensy bit premature.
My fault entirely. Right.
We'll see what it comes to once we get a clear picture
from these chaps, shall we? Great. Sorry, does that mean...
PHONE RINGS
Ciao. Oh, hello, Gerald. Yeah.
Yes. She's wily one.
Great.
So it's a way of listening to music on the go.
Only instead of just one album, the multi-deck,
housed in the knapsack, can play a selection from four albums.
It's almost 50 songs. I mean, imagine that.
It already exists. As if!
Does it?
ICOEIC. Why have we abandoned my novel? ICOEIC.
What are you saying, you smelly ape? ICOEIC.
International Centre Of Excellence In Chess.
A lot of money in chess. Lot of money.
Yeah. It may take some time, Robin. We need dough now.
Oh, let's find some buried treasure.
First, we need to know where to look.
Oh, let's find a treasure map!
Of course.
I know just the thing.
Hmm. She's got a thing about storage.
And there's no other nooks and crannies?
Hiding places? No, this is it.
I've got places with more character,
but you said you only wanted new build.
Can we have a moment? Sure.
Nothing? All clear.
Not a ghost in sight.
It's a really nice house. Yeah. Nice garden. Yeah.
It's the sort we wanted in the first place, wasn't it?
Mmm. Nice, normal house.
It's quiet, isn't it? Mmm.
GHOSTS CHATTER They're all waiting for me.
Well, you won't have to put up with it for much longer.
All right, all right, all right.
Are they with you? Yeah. Right.
Well, I'm going to have a bath.
Now, if I remember rightly, it is behind that chest,
under the last board.
What, you want me to lift up the floorboard?
Before you do, I would like to say something.
OK.
When you first came here, I thought you were a prostitute.
I did. I can admit that now,
and whilst I still find it utterly impossible
to believe I'm related to such a...
The fact is, you are a Button.
Of sorts. Half a Button.
And this house, our beautiful house, should belong to a Button.
Should be cared for by a Button.
Underneath that board, is a box, and in that box,
is a jewel, an Arabic jewel given to my husband
by Queen Empress Alexandra herself.
I am quite sure it is priceless.
If that jewel can keep this house a home, a family home,
then it is yours.
Thank you.
That's...
I don't know what to say.
Well, I mean, it is yours now anyway.
I can't physically stop you.
Open it!
"Sorry, darling. Pawned it."
YOU THIEVING GIT!
Look, guys. No offence, but it wasn't just about the money.
This isn't how normal people live. We can change.
Please, just stay.
I promise I won't come into your bedroom every morning.
We'll be on our best behaviour.
And I will try to stop judging your awful manners,
terrible posture, and... I shall cease my wooing, should you like.
I still make you jump.
I shall peek no more on your husband at privy.
And I'll... Actually, I don't do anything wrong, do I?
Guys, please.
This is sweet of you, but I'm sorry.
This place felt like a dream.
It really did, but it's turned into a nightmare.
And now we have a chance to get out.
Can you honestly say you wouldn't leave if you could?
KITTY SOBS
SHE CONTINUES SOBBING
Ah, Catherine. There you are. You've come to gloat, have you?
Well, you've won. She's leaving. No, no.
I have some information for you, Catherine.
For your ears only. Why me? What about the others?
Ah, they don't want to listen to this old walrus. You heard?
Yes, I'm afraid so. Even about your ear hair. What?
No, not that bit. No. Oh.
You love Alison, don't you? You want her to stay? Yes.
And you want her to be happy, of course. Of course.
I happen to know that woman is trying to swindle them,
by a considerable amount, if I'm right.
Now, there is something you can do.
She'd listen to you. Her friend. Should you choose to help her.
The question is, what do you care about more?
Keeping Alison here, or letting her be happy?
Sorry, I've got to stand.
HIS KNEES CRACK Ah!
The basement? There's plenty of room down there for swimming baths.
Well, I'm sure she'd have thought of that, wouldn't she? Exactly.
Unless she didn't tell you on purpose, so she could pay you less.
That crafty...! Thank you, Kitty!
I'd hug you if I could. I'd love that.
I'm going to miss you, in a way.
Maybe I can come back and stay in the hotel sometimes. Oh, yes.
You could stay in my room.
We'll stay up all night talking about balls and eligible men. Yeah.
Right, I'd better tell them to check out the basement.
Hi, Fiona? It's Alison. I've got some tremendous news.
So if you could just call me back when you get this.
Have they started already? It looks like it.
If it make it better,
I've seen many house come and go here.
No, that makes it worse. Oh, yeah.
Is he smiling?
Hey, you! Me. Wait there. I'm coming.
Oh!
How long did they say they'll take?
Oh, it's not too long.
They just need to dig some exploratory holes.
It's quite common now to use the basement to expand.
Oh, so you've done this before?
I think maybe we might have, on one of our other properties.
It was silly of me not to have thought of it here.
I really am a first-class booby. Never mind.
We got there in the end. And we don't have to lower the price.
Left a bit, right a bit.
Sorry to interrupt. All done, love?
Not strictly speaking, no.
There's something, um, perhaps you should come and take
a look for yourselves.
Oh, it's dusty. Oh, dear.
LIGHTS FIZZLE Oh, it's gone all dark.
Um... Right, so, um....
Spit it out. Then we can get back up into the light.
We took up a couple of stone slabs and started digging,
and we had to stop, because we found something.
What did you find? There's a grave.
Oh, God. Where? We're standing on it.
SHE SCREAMS
Fiona, give me your hand.
Oh, gosh! Nick, it's you. How do you know?
SCREAMING CONTINUES Get me out!
Fiona, please, this wasn't us. It's a plague pit.
We didn't kill anyone. Well, we've had to alert the authorities.
You can just dig up the bones, can't you?
Yeah, this doesn't affect the sale.
They don't let just anyone exhume human remains.
If this is a plague pit, it's a site of historical interest.
They'll be at it for ages.
I think we'll find a property that isn't a mass grave.
Let's get out of here immediately. Fiona! Fiona, please.
GHOSTS CHATTER EXCITEDLY
Watch it, Humphrey! Bingo!
Ah, hello.
Did you miss me?
Fiona, please, don't...! Please!
Kitty, did you know this would happen?
I didn't, honestly. The captain said that the basement would...
GHOSTS: Oh!
It was nothing, really. I'll give you a full debrief at 1900 hours.
Oh, good. He'll never hush about this. Hang on.
You made me do something horrible? Yes. But they're staying.
That's good.
Did they do this? Yep, yes, yes, they did.
If I could cut you right up, I could kill you
if I could see you! If you weren't already dead!
Steady on, mate!
I feel like we're going to be stuck here for ever.
Join the club!
Can I sleep in your room tonight? No. Tomorrow?
You're beautiful when you're sad.
Have you brushed your hair today? It looks like a bird's nest.
Please, guys, you said you'd change.
Boo!
Oh! Guys, I'm back, and I feel amazing.
Oh, wow! So, did I miss anything, or was...
Oh, come off it. Left a bit.
Left a bit. Left a bit!