SNORING
ALISON SIGHS
ALISON EXHALES
Morning, guys.
Julian?
Robin?
Hmm.
Fanny?
They can't all just...
Mike! Oh, my...
DOOR SHUTS
It's the ghosts. What now?
I can't see them any more.
I...
I c-can't see them any more.
What do you mean?
My gift, it's...
It's gone. I can't see ghosts any more.
ALL: April Fools!
GHOSTS CHUCKLE
CHUCKLING DIES AWAY
SOBS
Is she laughing?
Are you laughing?
CONTINUES SOBBING
I don't think she's laughing.
Ali? Are you OK?
Yeah, fine.
You?
Yeah. Yeah, you just seemed a bit upset earlier.
No, no, no, no. All good.
Yeah? Yeah. OK.
Don't worry. I'm going to have the last laugh.
Right. Cool. So, um, I've been going over our finances,
and the spreadsheet's not looking good.
Oh, God, no. OK, maybe if you, like, right-align the columns
and then you put the headings in bold, that will at least...
Obviously, I'm talking about the numbers. OK. Hmm.
Without the income from the gatehouse,
even with functions, it's going to be tight. Mm-hm.
Mmm. The insurance from the fire should get us back
on an even keel, but beyond that,
we're going to struggle to stay in the green.
Black? What's the opposite of red? Blue?
Stay in the blue? Stay in the b...
Are you even listening? Hmm?
This is important. Yeah. No, no, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know. I just...
Could we deal with this this afternoon?
Just cos there's something I need to focus on until, like, midday.
Mm. Is it playing an April Fools' prank
on a bunch of dead people? Maybe?
It isn't not that.
Right, OK, well, the second you get even with them,
I'm going to need your undivided...
Do we own a saw?
PIERCING SCREAM
BIRD CAWS
SCREAMS
GRUNTS
Oh, not you.
GRUNTS
Oh...
LADY BUTTON: It was yellow! Oh, no.
CAPTAIN: The greenfinch IS yellow,
but not as yellow as a yellow finch.
Oh, it's ridiculous. Who do I write to?
Well...
GHOSTS GUFFAW AND LAUGH
That the best you can do?
Nice try! Better luck next month!
PAT: Oh, for the last time, there is no May Fools' Day!
GHOSTS CHATTER HAPPILY
HUMPHREY: Ah! Impaled by a fence post, was it?
Hmm? Oh, well, yeah. I mean, that was the idea,
but probably a bit far-fetched.
Stranger things have happened.
I suppose so.
Hmm. Yeah, well...
It was worth a try.
So that's it, is it? Giving up?
Well, unless you have an idea?
Idea? No, no. No.
OK. Ideas?
You betcha.
I'm listening.
I just think maybe you put all your eggs in one basket
when it might be easier,
dare I say more satisfying,
to pick them off one by one.
I mean, between us, we know them all pretty well.
I'm sure we could work out which buttons to press.
What's in it for you?
To that lot, I'm just a punch line.
A punchbag. A football.
Then there was that time they stuck me up on that high shelf.
When was that? Tuesday. Ah...
Mmm. I just think that maybe we're both due a little payback,
and as I understand it, until midday on this particular day,
anything goes.
Hmm. Hmm.
Right. Thomas.
Need a hand with the wording? No. No, no.
I've got this one.
Start with the low-hanging fruit.
Oh! Talking of which - Kitty.
Hmm. Erm...
OK, OK. Here's an idea.
Now, it might be a bit complicated, so just bear with me,
but what if we told her there was a balloon...?
There's a balloon? Where?
No... Everyone, there's a balloon!
Kitty, April Fo...
No. OK. No, she's gone. KITTY MUMBLES
Well, I guess that's one off the list,
and we've three hours to go.
This is going to be easy!
CHUCKLES OK.
"Meet me in the wood store
"at 10am." LAUGHS
Time to go and bait the trap.
Send him my love! CHUCKLES
HUMS CHEERFULLY
GASPS
DOORBELL RINGS
Alison!
Mr Cooper? That's right.
Joy Kielty, Irish Friendly.
I'm Mike Cooper.
English. Also friendly.
No, I'm from Irish Friendly, your insurance company.
You put a claim in for a fire at your guesthouse.
Right. Sorry. We didn't know you were coming... Alison!
No. Well, I'm a loss adjuster.
OK. And does our loss need...adjusting?
It means...
Well, we don't use the term investigator.
Our claim is being investigated?
We don't use that term.
But it is? Yes.
Why?
There are just a few details that we need to verify
before we can pay out on the policy.
Oh, so it's, like, just a routine thing?
Perhaps you could show me the site of the incident?
Uh... Yeah, sure.
It's just, uh, this way, um...?
Joy.
Sure.
Look, it's perfectly simple.
The brown one is a blackbird.
The red and black one is a goldfinch.
And the bluetit has a yellow chest.
Right. I'm just saying -
you know where you are with a sparrow.
That's a dunnock. You what?!
OK. Now, try to remain calm, everyone,
but there is a balloon, possibly a number of balloons,
somewhere in this house.
And they might be the float-to-the-ceiling kind,
so it's vital we find them before they lose their magic.
Are you sure, Kitty? It's nobody's birthday.
All I know is, Alison said there's a balloon.
Perhaps a balloon animal. And I know...
Come on, Kitty. She's winding you up, love.
What?
Is May Fool.
April! April.
Yeah. She's pulling on your legs.
Most likely reprisal for our antics this morning.
So she said there was a balloon,
but there actually wasn't a balloon?
LAUGHS SOFTLY
Oh, that is so clever.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What's up with Attenborough?
Well, can't you see? She's picking us off like a sniper.
She may have got to Kitty first,
but she'll come for us all.
Oh, give over. Just a harmless bit of fun.
Is it, Patrick? Is it?!
Or have we awoken a demon hellbent on revenge?
We need to be on our guard,
keep our wits about us, for the enemy is smart.
She is motivated.
We should expect tactics of breathtaking subtlety
and sophistication.
ALISON: Seriously? They found a Stuka dive-bomber in the woods?
What? What?!
Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness!
PANTS
Clever girl.
And the fire was caused by a fork of lightning?
Yeah.
Bizarre, eh?
But I suppose you must see that a lot.
No.
And no-one was inside at the time?
No. Luckily. Hmm.
Most convenient.
So how did you know it was lightning?
Oh, I... I saw it.
From inside the house?
No, no. I was...nearby.
Where?
Under a tree.
In a thunderstorm?
Well, I...
I thought it was a shower at first.
I was trying to stay dry. Hmm.
Then why not head inside?
Well, I couldn't leave the bear.
FAINT CLINKING
BIRDS COO
CLEARS THROAT
EXHALES
You got my note?
Indeed.
I must confess, I was somewhat taken aback by your candour.
I had begun to wonder if you would ever see sense.
I think it was this morning -
fearing I might never see you again,
I suddenly realised the depth of my feelings.
I can no longer deny the...
The frisson. The frisson. Exactly.
I knew you would succumb to my charms
in the fullness of time.
And Michael will understand, I'm sure of it.
A dear soul, certainly,
but not possessing of the depths you require...
...desire.
Yeah.
Shall we?
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
Oh, God. I'm so sorry. No...
No, no, no. It's fine.
A love such as ours shall face many challenges,
but where the heart is driven...
...the flesh shall find a way.
We can't even share a meal.
Or a hug.
Or a kiss.
Indeed.
Such interactions are frustratingly limited.
Though I suppose there's... There's always...
Oh! Erm... Um... Should we?
Things are moving so fast, I...
GASPS, CLEARS THROAT
Oh, the angels in heaven!
April Fools!
LAUGHS
I totally got you.
LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
Oh, that is priceless!
I'm so amused right now,
because you would never... Never.
Never. Never. Never. CONTINUES LAUGHING
Ha-ha-haaaa...
She's a monster!
You too, eh? What did she do?
She...
We...
It doesn't matter what she did.
Know only that she is Beelzebub incarnate!
Where are the others?
Lying low, if they have any sense.
They might be all right.
There's only two hours left until midday.
Surely she can't get us all.
Ohh, I would put nothing past that she-devil!
ANGRILY: That callous, heartless...
SOFTLY: ..doe-eyed, soft-skinned...
Damn it!
So, who do we think she'll try to fool next?
Well, if she's thinking tactically,
she'd be best advised to pick off the softest target.
Someone easily duped,
guileless, gullible, open-hearted to a fault.
HUMS CHEERFULLY
Oh, come on! They can't seriously ban Scotch eggs.
I wouldn't be certain about the veracity
of that news story, Alison.
Sounds a little implausible to me.
If I were you, I'd cross-check it with multiple news sources
across the political spectrum.
I'd hate for you to have the wool pulled over your eyes. OK?
Thanks. Yeah. Thanks.
She's trying, God love her, but talk about amateur hour!
CHUCKLES
Yeah?
Ooh...
JOY: So, the argument was about the bear?
Yeah. He wasn't allowed in the house. Why not?
He never wiped his feet. CHUCKLES
It was a disagreement over taste.
My wife wasn't keen on him,
so I was taking him to live up here.
And can I see this bear?
Erm, no.
He was also destroyed, sadly.
In the fire?
Erm, no. A tree fell on him.
A tree?
Yeah. Struck by lightning.
I thought you said the lightning struck the roof.
Different lightning.
So you're saying your property was struck by lightning twice?
Yeah.
No, three times. The other one hit...
Nobody.
Nothing. The ground.
Sounds insane when you say it out loud.
You should see it written down.
What do you mean? What I say.
He didn't fall for it.
And you definitely said Scotch egg?
Of course I said Scotch egg!
SIGHS God...
I could murder a Scotch egg.
Well, the way I see it, you've got two options.
Mm-hm. You could just call it a day, let bygones be bygones
and forget all about this silly revenge business, or...
..you double down.
No more Mrs Nice Alison.
Pull off the kid gloves
and show them exactly who they're messing with.
Or, you know, neither.
Yeah. Whatever. Yeah.
But it just doesn't make any sense.
What, because Pat saw through her ruse and you didn't?
Well, yes, frankly.
I mean, if you look up gullible in the dictionary,
there's a picture of Pat's face.
Is there?
No, Katherine. No.
Unless she didn't prank him at all.
Perhaps he's pranking us by pretending she pranked him
because we pranked her for pranking... No, hang on.
Face it.
We have no idea who she'll get next. Or how. Or who.
Hmm. Maybe you're right.
Though I think we can all guess who will be the last of us to fall.
Deceitful, cynical, underhand,
and, lest we forget...
OTHERS: ...morally bankrupt.
Exactly.
If seven public inquiries
couldn't trip the man up, what on earth can?
Hello! CHUCKLES
Ooh.
GRUNTS
JAUNTY MUSIC Oh, damn and blast!
JULIAN GROANS
Well, well, well.
Look who's here.
There is no weakness she will not exploit!
That was below the belt - and not in a fun way.
Wait a minute. Where's Pat?
Still at large.
Ah! Talk about insult to injury!
PAT HUMS CHEERFULLY
Pat?
CHOPPING
Alison.
I'm sorry, you know, for... For everything earlier.
The Scotch egg thing.
I don't know what you mean, Alison.
Sure. OK. I just...
I was a bit angry, you know, about this morning,
but I don't want to fall out over it. I just...
It's water under the bridge now.
It's basically...
Oh, my God. No! Oh, God! Oh, my finger! Pat! Pat!
Argh! Ouch!
Alison, I took whole packs of ten-year-old boys away camping
every year for a decade.
Do you really think there's a practical joke known to man
that hasn't been pulled on me?
Itching powder in the underpants.
Potato in the exhaust pipe.
Hand in a bowl of water so you wet the bed.
Been there, done it, and got the T-shirt made.
So you'd best save your energy, Alison,
because I'm bulletproof, me.
And, you?
You're there, mate.
SNARLS
CHOMPS
SWALLOWS
WHISPERING: Jesus.
So you were here when lightning struck the property?
Yeah. We kissed here and then... You kissed?
Yep.
The bear?
No. No, my...my wife. I was no longer with the bear.
Not romantically. We split up.
I'd left him. It.
I left it under the tree.
But you said your wife was back in the main house.
Yeah, she was. She came out when the storm got bad.
So, as the lightning got worse,
your wife also came out into it?
Yes.
She came to warn me because she saw the first bolt hit the cave...
Caved in...bit of lawn.
There. Actually not there.
More over there. More over there.
Can I speak to your wife?
Oh! New chapter.
Hmm. Hmm.
Hmm. Hmm?
Hmm...
Hmm-mm...
The girth of his what?!
Oh, the depravity! Alis...
I'm not sure what to be more disappointed by -
the obscene nature of your attempted deception
or the sloppiness of its execution.
I'm no fool, Alison, April or otherwise.
OK. Sorry. Yeah.
I just thought it was a little bit of fun, that's all.
LADY BUTTON GASPS
What on earth is that?
It's a tattoo.
Another one?
Two tattoos?
That scribble on your ankle was common enough.
But this! This!
It's been there, like, a month. I thought you'd seen it.
If I'd have seen it, young lady, you'd have known about it.
My own kith and kin branded like some lowly navvy,
painted like a tawdry Jezebel!
Times have changed. You're still a Button.
No, I'm a Cooper, and I fancied some fresh ink, so I got them.
Them? Plural?
Yeah. The big one's on this arm.
What?!
LADY BUTTON GASPS
CHUCKLES Your face!
Yes!
Yes, I suppose you think that's funny, do you?
I do. I absolutely do.
But you don't need to worry, because it's felt tip,
so it rubs right off.
OK.
Just...
Ah, OK. You might have to live with that
for about a week or so.
Oh! Ugh!
Hook, line and sinker!
CHUCKLES Told you! OK.
Five down, two to go.
I've had this idea for Pat, but I don't know.
It might be going a bit far. Hey, hey, hey!
He's the one who upped the ante.
He's brought it on himself.
Yeah, you're right. OK.
Well, then, that just leaves Robin,
and I've got no ideas and not much time, so...
Don't you worry about Robin.
I'll take care of him.
Ooh. Yeah, sure.
What are you thinking?
Well... GRUNTS
THUD! Oh, my God. Ow!
MUFFLED: Perfect.
IN EERIE VOICE: Hello, Robin.
Oh...
EERIE VOICE: Ehhh!
Oh, no.
He's back.
Ehhh...
Oh. Not bear.
Just little badger.
BLOWS KISSES
Who are you calling little? GASPS
Hang on.
Badgers not talk.
They do when they're angry enough.
Angry? That's right.
Rumour has it that someone around here
ate an awful lot of my ancestors.
No, no. We...
Well, not often.
You too small.
See, we prefer, er, a mammoth or a deer,
or, on very special occasion, a wild dog.
I knew it! SCREAMS
ALISON LAUGHS
April Fool!
Damn you, Cooper! Yes! I got him.
I got him. I got him. Yeah, yeah. Well done.
Very much still inside a badger.
Oh, yeah.
And I thought these things smelled bad on the outside.
I've only got 25 minutes left to get Pat.
Well, don't just stand there. Go on!
Keep me posted, yeah?
SNORES
MIKE: Well, she was running
from the direction of the house, so I assumed that...
But you didn't see her IN the house?
Well, no, I was under the tree.
Yes, but I'm just trying to ascertain
where exactly your wife was when the fire broke out.
Oh. OK.
I see what you're getting at.
Well, I can assure you
that my wife isn't just going around setting fire...
Mrs Cooper?
Sh.
Alison, this is Joy Guilty Kielty -
from the insurance company.
About the fire.
Hi. I'm Alison. So nice to meet you.
Oh, God. Sorry. I think I stood up too quick.
Um... This is a practical joke.
An April Fools thing for one of the...living people who live here.
Oh, but your policy document says that you are
the only two occupants.
We are. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I meant a friend.
We have a house guest staying, so I'm...
Pretending the house is on fire?
Well... Yeah.
Yeah. Well, I thought, you know, a warm welcome.
Could you just excuse me for one second?
VOMITS
Sorry. Sick in a bush.
I think it must be the... Nerves?
..fumes.
So, any other questions?
No. I think I've seen everything I need to.
Sorry.
Obviously, I know how that looks and, well,
how all of it looks, but I promise you,
everything that I have told you is 100% the truth,
and I'm begging you...
Well, actually not beg.
No, I would totally beg if that helps,
cos we really need this and I...
Mr Cooper, I'm going to recommend that we approve your claim
and pay out on the policy in full.
What?
Seriously?
I've met a lot of fraudsters in my time, Mr Cooper,
and I can assure you no genuine criminal would ever come up
with a story as patently ridiculous as that one.
Stuff that absurd only ever happens in real life.
ON TV: This is a great mixture
of flavours and textures to combine to make
an extravagant plate of beef.
The amount of beef...
Um, Mike...
Hey. Where have you been?
Oh, well... Did you see the email?
All confirmed. They're paying out on the policy.
So that'll bring us back to, uh, zero.
So, yay! No money.
Yeah. Yeah.
Can I have a word with you in private?
In pri...? Is there a ghost in here?
GHOSTS HUM
TV PROGRAMME CONTINUES
You OK?
Yeah.
I think so.
Uh...
Now, I felt a bit emotional and then hungry and then not.
And then a bit faint and then a bit sick.
And... Well, I did a test and, um...
..I'm pregnant.
As if!
PAT CHUCKLES I mean, the prop's a nice touch,
but your stooge here is as wooden as anything, love.
Pat... And nobody just...
It's after midday.
Oh, my God. You're pregnant!
What? What?! Really?
We're having a baby?
We're having a baby!
GHOSTS LAUGH
Wonderful news.
That's wonderful.
GHOSTS CHAT AND EXCLAIM
Did we get him?