Thick pea soup, spreadable turkey paste,
one tin of corned beef, two cubes of meat broth,
five boiled sweets, one...
Ooh, actually, have we got any boiled sweets?
I think I'm craving pear drops.
You're joking? I only just got back
from getting you that watermelon.
I thought I fancied it. What do you want?
A square of chocolate, four dry biscuits...
BOTH: ..and a packet of oatmeal.
It's a ration pack. It's always a ration pack.
Well, it would keep you going for 24 hours,
more if you ration it.
You'd ration a ration pack? Yeah.
KITTY: I'm so bored of Food Club.
It's always the same - egg atop a cutlet.
Bum and chips.
Ooh. Liquid lunch.
Heyyy!
Go on, then. How much was a pint in your day?
Oh, for the plebs - £1.90.
Commons members' bar - 87 pence, sir.
What? Oh, God, I like the sound of that members' bar.
Yeah, you should do. You paid for it.
CHUCKLING
Sorry, are we still playing Food Club,
or shall I just whip out the Cock Soc?
Oh, Cocktail Society!
ROBIN: No, no, no, no. FANNY: Not that again.
How about a nice round of Grandmother Went To The Shop?
Boring! ALL GROAN
This not boring.
First 8,000 years were boring.
He's right. Yeah.
It's going to be a very long eternity
if we're already bored of everything.
Oh, what are we going to do?
Bored of everything! Ah!
PAT: Guys, it's fine.
We just need to think of some fun new pastimes
to while away the...
Oh, I've got one.
You commit a murder.
BOTH: Happens.
The judge throws the book at you.
A life sentence? Death sentence.
GASPS
The gallows await.
What...
..would be your last meal?
ALL: Well, that's just Food Club!
Je voudrais un cafe noir, s'il vous plait.
Et un croissant pour ma soeur.
OK. For the last time, you don't need to learn French.
She's bringing an interpreter.
Yeah, but she'll like that I've made an effort.
She'll think it's... ..trezz bien.
All right, listen to me.
The only reason they'd send the head of the company,
the big cheese... Grand fromage. Stop it!
...is so that she can sign off on the plot, which means
that this golf course deal is in the bag.
As long as we don't come across as insane.
OK? So there's no need for grand gestures
or the hard sell or to speak French.
We just need to seem like nice, normal people
you want to do business with.
Oh, speaking of business...
No. No, no. Hear me out.
So if this land deal goes through...
Mm.
..then we get some money. That's it.
It's a one-time thing. But...
..what if there was a way to keep some incoming income...
..coming in?
Yeah! Now you're interested. I'm not. I'm absolutely not.
It was something you said, actually.
Well, you said Julian said.
A members' bar. Hmm?
Look, with the gatehouse gone,
we've got the old breakfast room and office doing nothing,
so why not lease it to the golf club
as a members' bar, which we run?
Then the income from that pays for us to live
in the rest of the house.
OK. That is actually not a bad idea.
Right? It's a win-win.
But now is not the time to be throwing in curveballs.
OK? We just need to get the deal on the table
signed and sealed,
and then we can talk about this bar idea tomorrow.
But she's coming today,
and this might be my last chance to pitch this tete-a-tete.
Please. Please, I am begging you
as your loving, full-of-baby wife,
no curveballs, no French, no pitching mad ideas.
Not today. OK?
INHALES
Je ne comprends pas.
Oy.
Je n'aime pas la musique moderne.
Ou habites-tu, mademoiselle?
Well, we could at least try it.
We talked about this.
Sitting in silence is not a pastime.
Ou est la gare, s'il vous plait?
Je pense que la gare principale est proche d'ici,
dans le village a cote, je crois,
mais tu devrais demander a ta femme.
FOOTSTEPS DEPART
What?
You speak French.
Bah, oui, je me defends.
So I said to him,
"Give me one good reason why I should not run you through."
To which he replied,
"I shall give you two!
"One, because I know you to be a patient man.
"And as for the second...
.."I shall tell you tomorrow."
LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY
BOTH LAUGH
HEAVENLY MUSIC
Onward, Rohr.
Ever onward!
Will...
MELANCHOLY MUSIC
DOOR OPENS
Bone Hall. Quoi?
Too grand to sit idle.
24 rooms. 400 acres.
A home befitting the bloodline. Ha!
My gift to the bride and groom. What say you?
She said it looks so perfect she could not wait to explore.
Ha! You hear that, Humphrey?
Je n'aime pas ca ici.
Je ferai retraite a ma chambre a la maison.
Je ne veux pas rester ici.
What'd you say?
I said, "You're a dark horse."
Un noir cheval.
Oh!
Un cheval sombre.
Yeah.
Hey! You speak your second language better than your first.
LAUGHS
I had a good teacher.
Right, where were we?
Staring into the abyss of eternity.
Is there a way to watch This Morning from the very beginning?
The abyss deepens.
No, it should be something active,
some sort of game.
Or we could put on a show.
There are shows on television.
No, it should be a game.
No, let's put on a show. Television.
Game. Show.
Television! Game.
Show. Television.
Game. Show.
Television. Game!
Show! WHIMPERS
..et une si belle campagne.
And a very, very beautiful countryside.
Oh, yeah. Well, we're very lucky.
Oui, nous avons beaucoup de chance.
Oh, this is my husband, Mike.
Et voici mon mari, Mike.
Mike. Sabine. Hello. Hi.
Bonjour.
Bonjour. Bonjour. Hello.
Bonjour. Hello.
Oh, and bonjour to you.
Et bonjour a vous. Hein?
No, that was... That was for you.
Non, non, c'etait pour vous. Oui, bonjour?
Yes, hello. No, for you, that one.
OK. So shall we go and see this golf course, then?
On va regarder le terrain de golf?
Ah, oui.
Est-ce que je peux laisser ca la-bas?
SABINE: Donc, d'abord il faut...
Why are you being so weird? I'm not being weird.
He's being weird. He repeats everything.
That's his job. And can you stop speaking French?
Why? Because that's also his job.
And you promised.
No, I didn't. Well, promise now.
What's in the bag? Promise and I'll tell you.
Tell me and I'll promise. Don't you play that game with me.
Well, just show me that...
Are we...? Yeah. Yeah. Coming.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Bizarre.
PAT HUMS THE TUNE TO BLANKETY BLANK
# Blankety blank Blankety blank
# Boom-boom
# Blankety blank Blankety blank!
# Boom-boom! #
And joining us on the panel tonight...
# Blankety blank... #
Stephanie Button, Katherine Higham,
Humphrey Bowen,
Thomas Thorne,
Robin...Robin
and the rest of Humphrey Bowen.
PAT IMITATES DRUM ROLL
# Blankety blank! #
Hello and welcome to Blank Or Blanks.
PAT: Blankety Blank! Boom-boom.
Robin! No. Yeah.
A missing-word game, apparently,
requiring of two antagonists
who will now identify themselves.
Patrick, your name and rank, please.
Hello. I'm Pat Butcher, originally from Huddersfield,
and in my spare time I lead an adventure youth group.
Very good. And Pat's enemy tonight is...
CLEARS THROAT: Julian Fawcett,
former politician (disgraced),
and in my spare time
I like wine, women and song.
Although I'm not so bothered about the song.
LAUGHTER
Very good. Very good.
On to round one. CLEARS THROAT
No-one was harmed during the training exercise
because the Lee-Enfield rifles were all loaded with...
..blanks.
Right... No.
No? No.
The missing word can't actually be the word blank.
You say, "blank", to show where the missing word is
and then we have to guess what it might be.
And perhaps, you know,
make the questions a little bit more fun,
you know, and maybe a bit saucy.
Oh, yeah.
Saucy? Yeah.
You know, like...
Aunt Jenny's cakes were the pride of the county.
Everyone loved her floury baps.
But the stars of the show were her cream-covered blanks.
Oh, good one, Pat. No! No, no, no. I mean, that's just bordering...
No, no. I will not debase myself with cheap double entendre.
Fanny. Come on, Fanny.
Come on.
Hey, I know.
How about a bit of Bully?
Is that a sentence?
A bit of Bullseye.
It's like a TV quiz show with darts.
I used to love it back in the day.
I'm a big fan of the arrows.
This was before.
No, it wouldn't work. How do we pick up the darts?
Oh, let's hear your idea, then.
Or are we just going to spend eternity
twiddling our thumbs?
Oh! What was the one we saw where you got points
for getting less points?
I think it was called Less Points.
No, you need points or what's the point?
If I'm playing, I want the best answer on the board.
Oh! I know what we could try.
HUMPHREY'S HEAD: It was her, wasn't it?
Eh? Your French teacher.
It was my wife.
What if it was?
Knew it. How long was this going on, eh?
Don't know. How long you live at the house?
All that time?
Did you ever think how that would make me feel?
No.
Unbelievable!
I can't even look at you right now.
BIRDSONG
CHUCKLING
KNOCK ON DOOR
Ah. Afternoon.
I wonder if I might have a word with my wife, please.
Of course, my lord.
Depuis quand est-ce qu'il m'ecoute?
HUSHED CHATTER
Oui? Ah, Sophie. My... Hello.
My father is having a banquet.
Well, not a banquet as such,
but a...a social thing that's important
for his standing in the... Pardon?
Well, for his standing.
And he's asked if we could be there,
you know, show our faces.
Lentement.
So I was thinking downstairs at three.
It should be fun. Well, it might be.
Well, not fun as such, but certainly...bearable.
I believe there'll be drinks and nibbles.
SIGHS
BOTH SIGH
Homme. INDISTINCT CHATTER
Homme.
Homme. Ah.
SABINE: Et la frontiere, elle est juste derriere cette haie?
And the border is just beyond the hedge, yes?
Yeah, that's where our land joins with our neighbour's,
who I believe you've met? Mr Beg-Chetwynde?
Oui, Monsieur Beg-Chetwynde.
Oh, yes, Mr Beg-Chetwynde.
BOTH: Yeah... Oui, oui.
Oui. Yes.
Yeah. Oui.
Oui? Yes?
Yes. Oui.
Act normal. Stop saying yes.
Tell him to stop saying yes.
Je trouve ca bizarre.
This would be a lot easier if he wasn't here.
Peut-etre c'est normal ici.
Oui, it's a good - bien - space - espace.
GARION CONTINUES TRANSLATING
But perhaps a long journee from le clubhouse...
Right, I can't concentrate if you're going to keep...
CONTINUES TRANSLATING Don't tell her that. Stop it.
Stop it. Mike!
You'd be a long way from refreshments out here.
Vous serez loin des "refreshments"...
Ah! Which is why...
Which is why any decent golfer learns to think ahead.
C'est pourquoi un bon golfeur y reflechit en avance.
And what finer spot for a nice cup...
..of English tea?
C'est un bon endroit pour boire une tasse de the a l'anglaise.
Ah, du the. Parfait. Please, allow me.
For you.
And there you go.
Got to keep hydrated.
All that talking.
CONTINUES POURING TEA
There we go.
OK. Round two, then.
Fingers on buzzers.
We asked three and a bit people
to name something that could kill you.
IMITATING BUZZER Your secretary.
Sorry, Julian. You have to buzz before you...
Your secretary? How would your secretary kill...?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Oh, yeah!
I'm sorry, Julian. You have to buzz first. OK?
So, Kitty, could you please name something
that might kill you?
A cloud. Right.
Would a cloud kill you?
Yes, if you fell from it.
Right. Just, you know,
maybe thinking for a moment about people you know.
And are there any other causes of death
that might be more likely to be on the board?
Yes. Sorry. How silly of me.
Kicked by a horse.
Kicked by a horse. OK. Yeah.
Kitty's saying, "Kicked by a horse."
And our survey says...
No! Nuh, nah!
I'm sorry, Kitty. It's not up there.
But that's what killed my cousin.
That's a fact.
That's as may be, but that's not what the rules of the game are.
Well, then it's a stupid game, and I'm not playing.
Oh, well, then we're back to square one.
Unless...
Facts.
Cold, hard facts.
More tea?
Encore de the?
Non, merci.
And would your interpreter like more tea?
Um... Yeah. Rude not to.
Very British.
Oh. Mm.
Yes. Yes.
Alors... C'est tout. Oui, oui, oui.
QUIZ SHOW THEME
And your chosen specialist subject is?
Allied tanks and amphibious landing craft,
1939 to 1945.
Well, this isn't going to work, is it?
What? Don't know anything about that.
Well, you lot wanted something more factual.
Well, I could provide some questions.
I know a fair deal about the subject.
Well, that completely defeats the object.
Clearly, the issue here is the topic.
We need something more widely known.
A subject seared into the popular imagination.
Name?
Thomas Angus Thorne.
And your chosen specialist subject is?
18th-century Romantic poets.
Oh, come off it!
It wasn't, um, you know, with Sophie.
I know. It's just...
20 years of marriage, we barely shared a meal,
while you two were BFFs.
Booffs?
Best friends forever.
Not forever.
I did try, you know,
in my marriage.
Tu parles...
..mais tu n'ecoutes pas.
What?
You talk, you not listen.
Oh, so now you're a better listener than me, huh?
I could only listen.
I was dead.
COUGHING
BOTH CHUCKLE
SHE COUGHS
BREATHES UNSTEADILY
GROANS SOFTLY
HEAVENLY MUSIC
Just wanted to say how very sorry
I and indeed the entire household was...were
to hear of the passing of your dear and devoted nursemaid
after all this time... Oh.
Yeah. So you've seen everything.
That brings us back to the...
Oh! Back door's open.
It's probably easier to just cut through.
GARION SPEAKS FRENCH
Hmm. Look at this!
Wow.
What's in...here?
Oh, look.
Le cocktails.
Why not? Parfait spot for it. Hmm?
Les cocktails. C'est l'endroit parfait, non?
LOUDLY POURS WINE
Um... You all right, Garion?
Um...
It must be all the tea, huh?
Oh.
No worries.
We'll show you to the toilet. Yeah.
Yeah. OK, fine. Yeah. This way.
Now, Sabine, while we have une moment...
Merci.
...allow me to introdu-ire you to a petite idea of moi.
"Si notre vie est moins qu'une journee."
BANGING AND CLATTERING
SHOUTING
Well, go!
SOLDIER: Harder!
GRUNTING
LOUD BANGING
HUMPHREY SHOUTS
I might say I did that. I would.
CREAKING
Hmm.
See, this is why I won't have swords in the house.
Yeah... INDISTINCT CHATTER
Bad day?
HUMPHREY SCREAMS
Do you miss her?
I miss a lot of people.
But more come along.
I am also nodding.
Oh.
Would you teach me a bit of French?
I mean, I picked up a little, but...
Would you listen?
I'll try.
OK.
So...
Je m'appelle Ro...bin. Je m'appelle...
I'm just saying, Mastermind could still work.
We just need to ditch the specialist subject round
and then each pitch in with a couple of easy questions
all about our own eras and interests.
And then I think between us,
we'd have a pretty rad general knowledge round.
But I won't know anything about events that happened
when you were alive. I'd been dead for decades.
Oh, yes. Hmm.
So it might work
if we asked questions to someone from now.
Yeah. So it's just... It's just this way.
Oh! Merci!
Merci. Thank you.
Alison, can we borrow you for two minutes?
Literally two minutes. I'm actually quite busy, Pat.
GARION URINATES LOUDLY
OK, that is a full-on horse wee.
So, trust me, we've got time. Please.
Two minutes.
Quoi?
OK. OK. Got it. Quick as you can.
JULIAN: Right. Two minutes on general knowledge,
and your time starts...
..now! What type of aircraft flew alongside
the famous Spitfire in the Battle of Britain?
Alison?
Danny DeVito.
Egg. Eggs.
Cheddar Gorge.
1903?
The metric system.
A toenail?
Um... Bananarama.
Que se passe-t-il avec ces gens?
A wedge of lime?
Um...
And ma femme and moi... could run it all for you.
Vous. Pour vous.
Ca a l'air de pouvoir marcher.
Is bonne idee. Good?
Oh, OK. Yeah.
With no passes, Alison Cooper,
you scored 12 points,
which, in the absence of any other player,
I suppose makes you our champion.
Oh, bravo.
Well, thanks, guys. Pop my prize in the post.
Oh, yeah.
Oh! Will there be prizes?
Oh, yes. You get a trophy. A big glass one.
And on Blankety Blank, you get a chequebook and pen,
and you could win all sorts on Bully.
Yeah.
You could win a caravan or a speedboat
or just a lovely hamper.
Oh, all right!
And what would one get in this hamper?
Well, that would depend.
Garion?
Et voila.
Sometimes known as the Envy Martini,
but today let's just call it the Perfect Green.
Ah! Je comprends! Comme au golf!
Golf, yeah. BOTH LAUGH
Sante! Ah.
Oh, that's good.
Yeah, I can picture it now.
Le golfers stood at le bar.
GAGGING
Ordering their Parfait Vert.
Drinking in the tres jolie...
CHOKING
Oh, my God! Sabine, what is it?
What? Allergie aux noix.
Allergy to what?
Mm... Oh, nuts.
Oh, the hazelnut liqueur!
Oh, no.
Mes medicaments...
Oh, this is a good learning moment.
Je vous en prie! Mes medicaments!
Oh, I don't know. It's a bit advanced.
ROBIN: You got this.
Oh, my God. What did you do?
She's allergic to nuts. Call an ambulance!
Mes medicaments!
M-Medicine? Oui.
Dans la poche de mon sac a main!
What's she saying? I don't know.
I started learning French this morning.
Qu'est-ce que c'est la poche?
Oh, Garion.
Poche? Pocket?
Tres bien. Mais ou est la poche?
C'est quoi, un sac a main?
Robin, you speak French?
Un moment, s'il vous plait. Tell me what she's saying.
Sac a main. Robin!
Main sac... Handbag. The medicine's in the pocket of her handbag!
Oui! The medicine's in the pocket of her handbag.
OK. OK. Tres bien!
Good. Well done.
I found it. SABINE GROANS
Well done.
Thank you.
Don't thank me.
Merci, Sophie.
Merci. Merci beaucoup.
And she said... Yeah. We've got it.
You're welcome.
I'm sorry again about the...
CHUCKLES: Je vous contacterai.
She said she will... Be in touch, yeah.
Yes. Thank you.
Merci.
We'll see you.
Thanks, Robin. Pas de probleme.
See? She loves us. She does.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
I think a little drink might be in order.
Maybe a cocktail in the bar.
Well, yeah, it'll have to be a lime and soda for me, sadly,
though I could murder a White Russian.
JULIAN: Well done, Pat.
I wasn't sure about this whole game show thing,
but d'you know what, it's been a really welcome change.
Now, in my dream Bullseye hamper,
I would have some thick pea soup,
spreadable turkey paste,
a tin of corned beef,
two cubes of meat broth...