PAT: One, two, three... # Don't break my... #
Hip, slap # Achy, step, ball
# Just don't Turn and clap
# And down, two, three, four. #
Is Annie-versary.
Pardon?
Is 25th. Is Annie-versary.
The day that Annie went whoomph!
Is Annie-versary.
Must we do this every year?
# Hey! #
Don't forget to touch your hat, because we're all cowboys.
Hey, is Annie-versary.
GROANS Not this again.
We never met her, Robin. Hey, pay attention, you lot, please.
You're going to have to know all these moves
for this afternoon's rehearsal.
ROBIN GROANS Right?
OK.
PAT BURBLES
PAT: # One and two and three... #
Annie-versary.
ON TV: ..spotting the pattern in what had, for millennia,
seemed like random astrological events.
And his mathematical model allowed him to predict
the comet's next appearance,
proof that even in the seeming chaos of the universe,
there is always order to be found.
ECHOING: Found, found...
Oh. And then...
STIFLED LAUGHTER Oh, OK. Yeah.
I know it might look a bit silly with me up here on my tod,
but it'll be amazing once we do it all together.
There is pattern!
There is pattern to when we move on.
OTHER GHOSTS: What?
One of us go whoomph...
GROWLS ..today.
INCREDULOUS ARGUING I'm telling you.
I done the math!
It is written in the stars.
And the moon and the comets
and the number of days before the equinox.
Come on. Ridiculous!
What? It complicated, but I tell you,
there is sequence between Lizbeth and William and Annie and Mary.
And I don't know who,
but before clock strike midnight, one of us...
Whoomph!
It's so exciting. The next layer.
I wonder who of us it will be.
GRUNTS Calm yourself, Katherine.
I mean, this is just superstitious hogwash.
Bilge, bunkum and toffee!
No, thank you, Robin. No, thank you.
I've heard enough. He's right.
PAT: Hey, well... Eh, eh... Everyone?
OK, well, let's just call it a day for now, then.
Don't forget group rehearsals at five this afternoon.
OK?
I was clearing one of the attics
and I found a few baby bits from when Flix had Trix.
Felicity had Trixibelle.
My daughter had my granddaughter.
Oh! Oh, oh. OK.
Thought they might come in handy for him or her.
That's so nice. Thank you.
You can just pop it down.
No problem at all.
JINGLING Thanks.
So, where should I pop the other bits?
Oh, erm...
I'll just stick them along the wall, shall I?
And I'll be back later with the rest.
The rest? HUMS HAPPILY
So, what, we're just supposed to believe
in a bunch of caveman maths?
I mean, I've seen some dodgy arithmetic in my time -
I was briefly made Chancellor -
but this really takes the biscuit.
Yes, if I thought for a moment this were true, which I don't,
I certainly wouldn't spend my last day on Earth
learning how to line dance.
Well, quite. Yeah.
You'd be making the most of every last second,
going through your bucket list,
or the ghost equivalent is sort of already-kicked-the-bucket list.
Ha-ha. Bucket list?
Yeah, you know, all the things you wanted to do,
but never got around to.
One last chance to let your hair down.
Maybe do a bit of skinny-dipping,
race a motorbike or bungee-jump,
whatever floats your boat.
Well, we all know what floats your particular boat, don't we?
Ha-ha, yeah, quite!
I'd be doing what I did last time. Yeah.
Going out with a bang, so to speak.
Though it takes two to do that particular tango.
There isn't really anyone here to...
Uh...
Here to what? SHUDDERS
Nothing. Just...
I'm ju... Mm.
Yeah, boy!
Greg's booking up Ibiza and wants to know if we...
..have a baby by then.
I will not be going large in Ibiza, Gregory.
Life's about to change, isn't it?
Yeah.
But we'll still do what we do, though.
Like, not Ibiza, obviously. Yeah. But we'll still be us.
Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think so.
Like, some things will change cos, well, they'll have to.
Yeah, we'll just be more...mature.
Mm. Yeah, settled.
That sounds depressing. Yeah. I don't know why I said it.
You know what we should do?
Hmm? Have a big night out.
Like... Like one more massive bender before the baby comes,
before we have to pretend to be grown-ups.
Yeah? Do something wild.
Mm. Like, spontaneous.
Get wrecked!
Well, you'd have to get wrecked for both of us, but...
Like that night we had in Options?
We get the gang together. Yes. Yes, that.
We'll get dressed up. We'll go on the town.
# And we'll have a party
# We'll have a party! # She's coming.
Oh, and she's coming. Oh, no. She cannot come.
Not coming. Wow.
Hello. Here for rehearsals?
No, not... Not really my thing, dancing.
No rhythm?
No legs. Or arms.
Or body, at the moment.
GASPS Oh, it's fine.
I'm used to it. No.
What if it's you who moves on?
If you and your body aren't together,
you might go without him.
Or him without you.
LAUGHING: I don't think it works like that, does it?
Does it?
SERIOUSLY: Does it?
I think better safe than sorry. Come on.
I can make you whole again.
GROANS Oh, Atomic Kitten!
LAUGHS Ha! Oh, yeah. Very good.
I think I heard him on the main staircase.
Hey, Kitty.
Erm, Kitty?
Rehearsals?
Kitty, my love?
Where is everyone?
You can't line dance with three.
It's not a full line.
Yes, more of a hyphen.
And we need Julian for the music.
I can't press play!
What use the hymn, what worth the choir...
Erm...
From the wedding stanza of Hermione And Roger.
Oh, of course. Yes. That's classic.
It's an absolute classic, innit?
What use the hymn, what worth the choir...
Wh-wh-wh...
..with none to hear their song?!
Ah, yes, that's the badger. That's it.
How can you not remember?
I must have recited it 100 times.
BOTH: 138.
And not a word went in?
SMACKS LIPS Well...
I know I never found the fame I deserved in the outside world,
but I hoped at least my work would be remembered
within these walls!
TEARFULLY: This is my legacy...
What on earth's got into him?
Ha. I blame Robin.
He's got everyone at sixes and sevens with his hocus-pocus.
Yeah.
You don't believe any of that, do you?
That one of us is going today?
Oh, good Lord, no.
Heavens, no! Nein, nicht, negative.
Absolutely not. No. Ha!
Do you?
Oh, no. No! Ha.
AMERICAN ACCENT No, siree. Not me. No, sir. No, ma'am.
Right, yes.
Well, erm, perhaps I can help you gather the troops,
get this operation back on track.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, just spontaneous.
Just tonight, just like... ..couple pre-game tequilas... Great.
Ah, right. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. OK, cool. Yeah. All right.
Yeah. Well, great. Well, erm... Uh-huh. Yeah.
Well... Yeah. All right, then. Well, we'll see you soon.
See you then. See you soon. All right, bye. All righty.
No. They can't make it... They are not coming. ..in the end.
Do you think we should move it to next week?
Like, give people more notice? No. What?
No, we can't forward-plan our spontaneous night out.
No, it's going to be great. Obi's coming with his girlfriend.
It's going to be exactly like last time.
Except different girlfriend, but still... Yeah, still,
If you've got Obi, then you've got yourself a party. 100%.
Yeah, yeah. # Gonna be a party
BOTH: # We're gonna have a party Gonna be a party
# Gonna be a... # Ow. You OK?
Cramp, cramp, cramp, cramp. Cramp? Oh.
It's gone, it's passed. Yeah?
# Gonna have a party... #
Well, perhaps you're in the kitchen.
HUMPHREY: Yeah, could be.
Huh.
What is it? Half your age plus seven?
That's...
No. No, no. No, no, no, no.
Oh, well, I guess I'm all out of...
..options...
WATER RUNS
MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS
Fanny.
Alison. What is a bungee jump?
A bungee jump is basically when you just jump
from somewhere really high up and, like...
Ah. No, no, no, no. I've done that. A lot.
Was there a reason that you...?
No, it doesn't... OK.
All righty.
That lipstick? Yeah.
Is it an experiment?
No. Oh.
Unbelievable.
UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYS
MUSIC: All Eyes On Me by William Davies & Edward Nutbrown
Turn it up.
VOLUME INCREASES
# They're uncertain 'bout my language
# Me speaks the money, the money speaks clear
# If it ain't 'bout the money, then they don't want it. #
MUFFLED MUSIC BLARES
Ooh!
Mm-hm, yeah. MURMURING ASSENT
JULIAN: Guess again!
I told you, I can only count to five.
Well, double that and add...
I wouldn't know how.
11, OK?
I'm worth 11 million!
You're boring me.
GRUNTING IN RHYTHM TO THE MUSIC
Oh, yeah.
CHUCKLING
He's getting it!
Hi!
How high can you count?
To ten.
Close enough.
Guess how much I'm worth.
There you are! Come on, you.
Let's get you back together, all ready for the off.
HUMPHREY: Ooh!
It can be a bit skittish sometimes.
No eyes or ears, see.
Easy. Yeah.
Easy, boy.
Come along, poppet.
Yeah, don't corner it...
Don't corner it! No...
Argh!
Well, don't just stand there, after me!
KITTY HEAVES
CAPTAIN: Robin, ha! There you are.
You are aware that rehearsals are at five?
Patrick's in a terrible tizz.
Sorry. I must have lost track of time.
Just saying goodbye to my mouse family.
Snuffles, Maisie and Graeme Souness.
Take care of each other, guys.
Right! GRUNTS
SIGHS I think that all my affair in order.
You know, if it's me who...
You really believe it, don't you?
This theory of yours.
Oh, yeah.
Before clock strike midnight,
someone is going up to the stars.
And that doesn't worry you?
I've been here long time.
Yes.
I'm ready.
I want to see what's next.
Ha!
So you think it will be you?
Could be!
Could be you.
Ah.
WHOOSHING
Eh?
STAMMERS
GRUMBLES
KITTY: He's getting away! HUMPHREY: Faster!
Thomas?
Mate?
Are you coming back to the line dancing?
Look at them all.
Surviving the ages,
standing erect in their leather jackets,
shoulder to shoulder, looking down on me
with their smug little eyes...
..and As and Es and Os and Us and all the consonants.
Yeah, well, you know...
Your work might not be up there with that lot,
but you'll always be remembered in this house, mate.
We all love your stuff.
It's kind of you to say, Pat,
but let's be honest, none of you remember a word of it.
Home is not the walls or the gardens
Home is the souls within those walls
Home is the memories made on this spot.
That's Fanny's poem!
I'm not even the best poet in this house!
BARCLAY: Annabel!
Annabel?
I'll just leave it here.
FANNY: Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
Whoooooo!
CLUB MUSIC BLARES Yes! Whoo!
Hiya. Hi. What can I get you?
Tequilas! Please.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, please. Sorry.
And a shot of water,
but also with salt and lime.
Right, so one shot of water and one tequila?
No, no, still two tequilas because he's our designated drinker.
Wow. Good luck.
Yeah! Whoo!
Coopers! Yes!
All right! Hello.
Hi! Bring it in. Hi.
This is Mike and Alison.
And, guys, this is Brenda.
Nice to meet you, Brenda. Hi. Sorry, it was...?
Brenda. Yes, that's what I thought you said.
Brenda. Nice to meet you.
Brenda?
Right. Drinks!
Brenda? Yes, please.
White wine for me. OK.
Large white wine. And he'll have a tequila.
Actually, I might have a wine.
What do you have in the way of whites?
Not too dry, but flinty.
We've got that one or that one.
Then the Sauvignon, please.
We're into wine.
OK. Yeah, that.
And four more tequilas, please.
Whoa! And another water.
I haven't had these two yet.
All right, well, you'd better get on it.
CHURCHILL ON RECORDING: We may allow ourselves
a brief period of rejoicing.
CAPTAIN: I was commanding officer!
LAUGHTER
GASPS
Right, line dancing!
EXHALES
Well, now there's not even a hyphen!
Hello?!
Captain?
Anyone?
SIGHS
SADLY: It only works if we're all together.
SHOUTS
Yes, got it!
Humphrey?
GRUNTS
I made you whole again!
Yeah!
GASPS
Atomic Kitty.
GIGGLES
NECK CRACKS
DRUM & BASS BLARES
Yeah. Oh, I'd love that. Sounds amazing.
Absolutely, I'd love to.
She's lovely, then.
SHOUTING: What?
I said, "She's lovely."
It never used to be this loud in here.
I think it did.
LOUDER: I think it did!
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I suppose. Yeah.
Suppose that's the point, isn't it?
Maybe we should go and dance.
Um, actually, I think we're going to head off.
What?
I said I think we're going to head off!
I heard you, but, no, you can't.
We... We're being wild and crazy.
We've got early starts tomorrow.
I'm going to Ikea and Brenda's got this...
I've got a bank manager meeting first thing.
Oh, God. Boring!
What for?
Because I'm a bank manager.
OK, well, you can't just go,
because Mike's already gone to get more drinks.
I don't think he has.
Yeah, he's been drinking for two all night
and, well, he's been gone a really long time.
BANGING ON DOOR
Right, whatever you're doing in there, stop it and open up.
SLURRED: Five minute...
All right, I'm coming in.
What are you doing in there?
I'm having a nap.
I've been a bouncer for nine years,
and this might be the saddest thing I've ever seen.
Mate, go home.
Yeah.
What time is it?
Ten past 11.
What?
What happened to me?
You got old, mate.
Can't sleep?
Too much energy.
Not enough dancing.
You're not worried, then, about what Robin said?
AMERICAN ACCENT: Oh, no, siree!
I ain't worried an eensy li'l bit.
Right, it's just you keep slipping into an American accent, Pat.
Hell no! No, siree, I...
Oh, my God, I do. Mmm.
I haven't done that since I were in the queue
for Black Hole at Alton Towers.
Carol thought I was having a stroke!
PAT SIGHS
It's me fear response, apparently.
Hmm.
PAT SIGHS
I don't know, mate.
What if he's right?
I mean, I don't know the rules to all this.
None of us do.
But if one of us is going to go today
and there's only 18 minutes of today left and, well...
Do you want to know something?
HIGH-PITCHED AMERICAN ACCENT: I scared!
Me too.
I tried to dismiss it,
but some part of me must believe it.
I mean, I've considered some pretty desperate things today.
Yes. I, too, have found myself musing on mortality.
Oh, yeah? Hmm.
What have you been up to?
Oh, you know, just thinking about the Bible.
You're awake too?
Good.
I wanted to say sorry, Pat, about earlier.
It's just so very hard knowing I leave no legacy when I go.
PAT SIGHS Oh, Thomas...
We might not remember your poems, but...
But we'd remember you.
PAINED: Not so tight on the arrow, mate!
Sorry! Sorry.
ROBIN: Well, well, well, well.
All got there in the end, eh?
Can't argue with the math.
KITTY: Oh! Everyone back together.
GIGGLES All ready for the off.
And speaking of back together...
Ta-da! PAT: Humphrey!
Oh, thank you. Thank you. There he is.
THUD! Oh, dammit!
MUMBLING: I've got it. I've got it.
NECK CRACKS CHUCKLES
It is nice to be together again at last.
Ha.
You know, it's funny, this is all I wanted, really.
When I died, I didn't get to be surrounded
by the people I loved, but now...
..well...
..I'm ready.
Yes.
SOFTLY: Ready.
Well, no, actually.
If this is it for me, then...
..well, there's something I have to tell you.
Where to begin?
It was 1945.
I'd been posted to Weymouth since the end of '44,
but when Berlin fell,
I heard chatter on the wires about an event being held
at my old command, Button House.
GUARD: It's a veterans' event, sir.
Decorated officers only. If you're not on my list...
I was commanding officer here! I've got my orders, sir.
CAPTAIN SIGHS MUFFLED CHATTER
Very well.
THOMAS: You've heard about these things...
Such and such horsepower or...
ROBIN: If it have horsepower, where is horse? Ah!
Of course, knowing the house as I did,
it was simple enough to find an alternative entrance.
Hey! THUD!
Ah.
Not my most dignified moment, but I HAD to be there.
Which meant I HAD to blend in.
TOILET FLUSHES
Oh!
MUFFLED CHATTER
CLEARS THROAT
Oh! Terribly sorry. Oh, so...
Captain! Ha! Is that you?
Cartwright, good Lord.
Wah! I haven't seen you since, what, '42?
Gosh, must be. Yes. Sorry, I've just...
Never had you down as front-line material.
Where were you posted?
Oh, well...
Forward Command, actually. Yeah.
Versailles. Versailles?
I was in Versailles!
You weren't in Versailles. Were you in Versailles?
Well, briefly, before I moved to, um...
To where?
Sorry, I really must just...
That's not even the right way up. What?
What are you trying to pull here? Erm... Ha.
Well, the thing is, I...
Sorry, I... No, no. Explain yourself, man!
What's all this?
My old CO, sir.
Never left Blighty,
trying to pass himself off as the bally hero.
No, please, I, erm... Where did you get these?
Hmm? No, I, erm...
HEART THUMPS I... I can...
How dare you?!
Have you no shame?
HEART THUMPS
QUIETLY: What's wrong with that man?
CLATTERING
CAPTAIN GRUNTS
Sir! Sir!
Huh?
Well, fetch a medic!
Medic?
CLEARS THROAT
Are you all right? I'm sorry.
I had to find you.
I'm here.
CAPTAIN GASPS
I...
SOFTLY: I know.
CAPTAIN GRUNTS
Anthony...
James...
I was no hero.
Perhaps.
But you are a brave man.
ROBIN: Yeah. Yeah. MURMURED ASSENTS
Indeed.
CLOCK CHIMES
I'm ready.
CLOCK CHIMES
CLOCK TICKS SOFTLY
Actually, thinking about it, it might be tomorrow.
GHOSTS GROAN Last time I'm listening to you!
Thinking about the numbers... ROBIN GRUMBLES
So, what do we do now?
Well, we are all together.
OK, so it wasn't the perfect night.
You could say that.
Maybe if Hannah had been there, it would have...
It wouldn't. Let's face it.
You can't recreate a good time.
They just happen.
Like a little bit of magic.
It's either there or it's not.
Yeah, well, I wanted the magic.
Hey. There'll be more magic.
I know it won't be the same once there's three of us,
but we're going to have the best times.
Loads of them.
And I don't know what they'll be
or when they'll happen...
..but isn't that the joy of it?
You're really wise sometimes.
I've had a lot of tequila.
MUSIC: Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus
# He might blow up and kill this man
# Ooh... #
JULIAN: Hey, hey, hey! CAPTAIN: Alison!
KITTY: Come on, join in!
Come and join us! Come on, Alison!
Join in!
What?
ALISON LAUGHS
# Don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart
# I just don't think he'd understand
# And if you tell my heart, my achy breaky heart
# He might blow up and kill this man
# Ooh
# You can tell your ma I moved to Arkansas... #
Are we still on?
# Or you can tell your dog to bite my leg
# Or tell your brother Cliff... #
I should warn you, I'm riddled with plague.
You only live once.
# Don't tell my heart... # I mean, Christ knows what I've got.
# I just don't think he'd understand
# And if you tell my heart, my achy breaky heart
# He might blow up and kill this man
# Ooh
# Whoo! #