♪ ♪
Oh, baby James! Such a lovely...
Mom, you've been saying goodbye since we got here.
Grandma doesn't want to leave her precious girl.
I think it's time for her nap.
Max, I'll decide when it's time
for my nap, but you're right.
I am getting overtired.
OK.
Dave, can we borrow a bucket?
Oh yes, so we can put out some food,
for our little skunk friends.
Yeah, we've been feeding them snacks on the floor,
but they're really scratching up the hardwood.
Wait, you're not letting these skunks inside your house, are you?
Don't be stupid, Dave! Of course we are! It's cold out!
They're so cute, I literally can't handle it.
I... No, I don't understand.
It's not that complicated, Dave.
Do you have a frigging bucket or what?
Yeah, check the laundry.
OK.
- Oh, there's one. - Ah!
Too bad it isn't red.
Remember when those skunks
tore up the red comforter?
- Those little devils! - Ha! Oh yeah!
Is that who I think it is?
Max's jazz musician biological father,
who you kept secret from her her entire life
until Max and I tracked him down,
but she was too chicken to even
tell him who she was!
Hello, Max.
I'm meeting you!
Yeah, that's him.
Oh, dear.
And this is some kind of
freaky shrine to him, I guess.
Maybe we should just cover it up, and pretend we never saw it.
Jann?
♪ ♪
Oh, hey.
What are you snooping for? This is private.
Oh, my god. This is the laundry room!
Exactly, nobody comes in here except for me.
OK, take it easy.
It's not like we found a secret shrine
to your secret dad
taped to that secret wall.
It's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Learning about him was a lot to digest, and,
anyone in your position would
want a keepsake of your birth father.
You think?
Don't ask me, I knew my dad.
And do you think it's normal,
that I sometimes talk to his poster
and, and imagine what he might say back,
and that every Sunday, we do laundry together
and I call that our Max and Marty Party?
- I don't think it's that bad. - Nothing wrong about that.
Thank you for this bucket.
Thank you.
Good luck with your daddy issues.
Mom, we gotta go.
♪ ♪
So, how can you tell somebody's sign if you don't know their birthday?
Your sign is written all over you.
You have a wonderfully stubborn streak, so...
You must be a Taurus.
I am a Taurus! Well done!
Ooh, do me, do me!
Impulsive, prefers individual sports...
- Definitely an Aries. - Wrong!
Sexy, dangerous Scorpio.
- You are an Aries. - I'm on the cusp!
- Hey, guys! - Hey, Charlie!
Hi, sweetheart.
Had to tell you in person, Auntie J.
You got accepted on SoirAlist!
- Ooh! - Wow, congratulations!
What's a SoirAlist?
It's a dating site just for celebrities.
Charlie helped me apply ages ago.
Yeah, I assumed they'd turn you down
but they actually accepted you.
I have 17 top 10 singles!
- That's not nothing, you know. - Such an Aries.
What does she have to do,
now that she's been accepted?
She just has to answer the dating profile questionnaire,
so the AI can match her with other celebrities.
Fun! Well, what are we waiting for?
Let's get it set up!
I hope they pair her with the
nice weather lady from Channel 29.
- Let's do this. - Fine!
But I'm not wiping on anyone.
- Swiping. - Same thing.
It's really not.
This is a really detailed questionnaire.
I don't know if I'm comfortable answering
these questions in front of everyone.
What counts is that we want you to.
Can we watch a cooking show?
Oh, we're cooking up some love for Jann.
First question:
"I would describe my politics as..."
Way left.
"I am interested in meeting"
Women and men.
"My last relationship ended by"
Mutual decision.
- [EXCLAMATIONS] - I don't think that's really...
Zip it!
- Sensitive. - Mm-mm.
Yeah, I'm not comfortable answering this
question in front of everybody.
"How many past intimate partners have you had?"
Ahem!
I know, we'll all cover our eyes,
while you answer the question.
OK.
Fine.
Done.
Did I hear you type 3 digits?
I had to backspace, Mom, I had a typo.
- Right. - Let's just get on with it, please.
"Diet."
Vegan.
"Favourite animal."
The one on 'The Muppet Show'.
"Preferred age range."
Wide open.
You seriously have no preference between
a 20-year-old and an 80-year-old?
Age is just a number,
and you will realise that when you are my age.
"In 100 words or less, describe yourself."
Juno Award...
Can I talk to you for a minute privately?
Jann Arden...
Casual
Bowler...
What's up, Gram?
You're a smart cookie.
I need your help,
with a top secret mission.
Ooh, spy stuff!
I need you to track down an old friend.
Here's everything I know.
I'm looking for a way to contact him.
Sure.
I'd do it myself, but technology's changed.
Back in the day, microfiche was my niche.
Do you think you could have that for me,
- by the end of the week? - Done.
Email, phone number, and home address.
Thank you, Charlie! That was so fast!
Also had time to Google "microfiche",
- and that is awesome. - Mm-hmm.
We have celebrity matches!
Wow, so many!
Yeah, but who are these people?
You know who that one is.
She's the, uh, mom on that one miniseries.
Oh, the one about the drug dealing nuns,
or the one about the drug dealing dancers?
No, no, it was the other one.
Oh, was she on The Bachelor?
No, different reality show...
I Can't Stop Having Babies.
Here's a familiar face.
Feist?
[BITTERLY]: She had her chance.
Rather be single for the rest of my life.
Everybody out.
Fine, I'll leave.
[SQUEALING]
Alright, OK.
- So, Feist, yeah. - Mm-hmm.
Hello?
Marty.
I'm probably the last person you expect to hear from.
It's Nora.
I need to see you, Marty.
Tonight.
♪ ♪
Well, here you go, Mom.
Have fun with your...
Bridge club ladies.
Yes, that's who I'm seeing.
My bridge club gals.
You want me to walk you in?
They might want to meet a celebrity.
Sorry, can't hear you.
Bye!
Look at that little nugget.
I just love her so much.
Uh... Huh?
Hi.
Oh, my god!
HELLO?
Max, you better get down here.
Your parents are on a date!
[SCREAMING]
♪ ♪
OK, skunks.
I don't want to hurt ya,
so no funny stuff.
[RUSTLING]
- [HISSING] - Ah!!!
Cale?
What are you doing in there?
I'm trying to get the
last of the peanut butter
out of this stupid jar.
No, no, I mean what are you...
What are you even doing in this house?
I'm just crashing here for a couple nights.
For, you know, six or seven, until, you know,
I get back on my feet.
At least I'm not doing a B and E on Jann's house like you,
Dave.
Well, I'm here to deal with the skunk situation,
which is a major health risk.
Also...
It's just weird...
But I had to wait till Jann and Nora were gone,
before I could do anything about it.
It's not your problem, Dave.
And you don't want to get involved.
They're nuts about those skunks.
Put on wrestling.
- He loves wrestling. - That is true.
Well, thank you for that,
but if I don't deal with it now,
eventually one of my kids is gonna end up with...
Fleas, or something.
Then it'll definitely be my problem.
Suit yourself.
I'm gonna look for happiness,
at the bottom of...
This.
You know, I could use some help.
You mind giving me a hand?
No, I'm good.
Come on, all you gotta do is follow me.
You smell like peanut butter.
You're the perfect skunk bait.
I got nothing else to do.
That's the spirit.
C'mon.
You can bring the spoon.
This is quite a surprise.
You look great.
You haven't changed a bit.
Marty,
I didn't ask you here to listen to
a bunch of bull crap.
Fine, you look exactly 40 years older,
and I can see every one of those years in your eyes.
Which makes you more stunning than ever.
Now...
That's my kind of bull crap.
[LAUGHING]
Do you think they're on a date?
I don't know, I can't tell.
Get back here, they're gonna see us!
I am trying to listen.
I wanna know what they're talking about.
Back up and let me read their lips.
You do that?
- Yeah, it's not that hard. - OK.
- Go for it. - OK.
So, Mom is saying...
"Remember the time we met"
"that French sidewalk horse,"
"who lost five baseball tickets?"
And Marty's saying:
"Yes, yes."
"I gave two dusty rowboats"
"to my uncle Bill's elevator."
"Good night, scuba beard."
You suck at lip reading!
Like you could do any better!
OK, watch and learn.
OK.
Oh my god, he just will not shut up
about the sidewalk horse!
- Oops, busted. - Hi there!
Jann Arden, I thought that was you!
Welcome to Caesar's.
My name is Asha, and I'm such a big fan.
If we could just, um, keep the volume down.
No problem.
You know, I would love a selfie.
- Oh! - Again...
If we could just keep the volume down.
What can I get you two started with?
Nothing, we're fine, we don't need anything.
Actually, I have a couple of questions,
about the dessert menu.
Uhm, how boozy is the tiramisu?
And would it be possible to swap out
a butterscotch sundae, for the uhm,
the ice cream on the apple pie à la mode?
Really? Jann?
OK, OK.
I will just get the...
Banana sutra, and I do not need two spoons.
- Coming right up. - Oh, thank you.
Just...
My god, you're a terrible spy.
I would be a worse spy,
if I didn't regulate my blood sugar.
We should come up with our strategy,
figure out what to do when we actually find these guys.
Sure.
Like, do we bring the cage over to them,
or should we herd the skunks over to the cage?
Or maybe like a two-pronged combo attack?
I don't know.
Best advice I can give you is don't take my advice.
OK, we're not friends, or...
Friendly, but, uh...
Are you OK?
Like it's any of your business.
Forget I mentioned it.
Clear.
I mean, yeah, I'm not great, obviously.
I got fired by Jann,
lost all motivation...
Forgot Feist was my client.
To be fair, I think we all did.
Now look at me.
From music manager to pest control within weeks.
Well, first off,
pest control's a noble profession.
And secondly,
you're volunteer pest control.
I'm not paying you.
I guess this is what happens,
when you make work your entire life,
and then work just explodes in your face.
Maybe stop looking at this as a total disaster
and decide to look at it like a...
A vacation.
A totally deserved,
overdue, unplanned holiday.
- Well, it certainly sounds better. - Yeah!
And maybe it'll be the first step to
feeling better, too.
OK...
What do you know about feeling even remotely bad?
Well, I'll save you a sob story and just say that...
Nowadays, the biggest source of happiness in my life...
Is your wonderful loving family.
Well, they're part of it, but honestly,
it's like 90% therapy and antidepressants.
I still have rough patches,
like when baby James arrived,
but mostly, I'm in a good place.
- Hm! - [CLANKING]
The garden shed.
Let's get those freeloaders.
♪ ♪
[SIGHING]
And for my 60th birthday,
I got a nice car, a new sweater,
and a beer bottle to the head,
while I was singing My Funny Valentine.
- Oh no! - Six stitches.
- Oh, aren't we a pair! - [LAUGHING]
Between the two of us, we have
heart disease, Alzheimer's,
and two cancer scares.
- Ho, ho, ho! - Well...
Hasn't always been smooth sailing, but...
- We're still here. - We sure are.
Mm-hmm.
You know what?
Some of the best things in life are unplanned.
Oh, uh, wha...
- What kind of things? - Well, jazz, obviously.
Oh right, jazz.
So, you wanna cut to the chase, and...
Tell me why you reached out to me all of a sudden?
Um...
Remember the...
The night I broke things off with you?
I remember that night ending a lot nicer than I expected.
Agreed.
It also...
Changed my life.
- Uh-oh. - What?
Smiles are gone.
- Things are getting serious. - Yeah!
Because they're delivering my
banana sutra to the wrong table!
It's a good thing we didn't get that thing, I mean.
Look at it, it's lit up like a Roman candle.
Uh, excuse me,
I think you delivered my dessert
to the wrong table.
Just drop it!
We have more important things going on.
It's OK.
I'm just going to explain what happened.
What are you doing?!
I'm saving my sutra.
- You are gonna blow our cover! - No, I'm not.
I'm gonna be really sneaky.
You're too late, they're already eating it!
I'm going to eat around the bites!
Excuse me, I'm so sorry to bother you.
- You're giving me a front wedgie! - Stop it!
You stop it right now!
And the, truth is...
You have a daughter.
- No, you stop it! - Jann!
[SCREAMING]
[EXCLAMATIONS]
And...
There she is.
Jann Arden is my daughter?
No! The other one.
♪ ♪
Did I miss anything?
No.
No, no, you're fine.
I'm glad we can be mature about this,
and just move on,
and not resort to name-calling.
Well!
I sure raised
a couple of bozos, didn't I?
I'm sorry, Mom!
Keep your apology.
How dare you snoop on me like this?
Can you really blame me, Mom,
for being curious about your secret rendezvous with,
until quite recently, my secret father?
All we wanted to know,
was why you were meeting him here,
after all these years
and, you know, maybe...
Come by for a little something sweet.
Maxie,
- when I saw your shrine... - It's a poster.
I realised how difficult this must be for you.
So...
I reached out to him to tell him the truth,
so that you could officially meet each other one day.
Hm.
Guess there's no time like the present.
Hi.
I didn't properly introduce myself.
I'm Max, your daughter.
Your name is Max!
I am meeting you!
Yeah.
[CHUCKLING]
[RATTLING SOUND]
They're in there.
I can sense it.
With my ears, mostly.
OK, but what is the actual plan?
I'm gonna burst in and keep them
from slipping out some other way.
They'll be drawn to you
by the sweet smell of peanut butter and freedom.
They'll run through the door, into the cage,
and you slam it shut before they even realise they're caught.
- Got it. - Use the mop.
They'll definitely have rabies.
Let's do this.
You're using me as live bait for rabies animals?
Yeah, you'll be fine.
You can't bail on me now,
- we're literally just about to... - [GASPS]
They've learned how to open doors!
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC] - [SCREAMING]
- Rhonda! - Got him.
Your plan would have never ever worked, by the way.
[CHUCKLING]
Huh... Classic Rhonda.
Well, I guess I'll be going.
I should probably call it a night.
I've got a big day of snacking
and disappointing myself tomorrow.
Hey!
Thanks for lending me a hand.
Sorry it was a great, big, stupid waste of time.
It wasn't...
A waste of time.
Thanks.
No problem.
Good night!
♪ ♪
Thank you.
- These are for you. - Oh, thanks.
And this is for me.
Cute!
Thanks.
Jann, you really don't have to buy dinner.
It's the least I can do. I love you.
You're worth it.
$15 for calamari?
Why would you order an appetizer
when you hardly ever finish the main?
Lunch leftovers.
Sparkling water?
Yeah.
- What about carrots? - Hate 'em.
- Oh, me too! - Do you like green beans?
- Love 'em. - Me too.
Must be genetic.
Can you do this,
with your tongue?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[CHUCKLING]
Come on, Mom, let's go.
Actually, Marty is gonna drive me home, dear.
Oh, is he?
Yes, he is.
We have more to talk about.
You think I don't know what talking really means?
If you guys go for ice cream cones without me,
- I swear to god... - We're not!
I promise!
Ice cream is the last thing on our minds.
OK, well, I mean it.
Don't be home too late.
Come on, let's go, for ice cream.
- Yeah... - Ha, ha, ha!
[LAUGHING]
♪ ♪
I'm gonna try this, one more time.
Too boring.
Too intense.
Too already dated her.
Uh-uh, nope.
Change this...
Save.
[GASPING]
"Based on your profile changes,"
"we have one new match for you!"
Go.
[GASPING]
Oh, wow!
♪ ♪
OK, here we go.
What are the three rules
of having a boy drive you home, Mom?
- Don't lift your top up. - Don't lift your top up.
- Yeah, keep your top down. - Top down.
Condoms. And number three,
fill condoms with water
and throw them at the assailant.
Haven't I got something back in...
Is there...
There...
Oh my god, these short little arms!
Oh, oh! Ah!
Ah!
God!
synced & corrected by PopcornAWH www.addic7ed.com