F A N T A S T I C P R E S E N T A
con el coyote
pero las palabras de Paxton desde el hospital aún resonaban en su mente.
Por eso es genial que seamos amigos.
Por supuesto que la había hecho amigo.
Ella pensó que un animal salvaje era su padre.
Por mucho que Devi quisiera ser una chica tranquila con la que podrías tener sexo,
ella sabía la verdad: era una extraña perdedora,
y un miembro de la ONU,
and today was certainly not gonna change that.
[sighs]
["Dum Maro Dum" playing]
[song continues]
[song stops]
Are you Princess Jasmine?
No, but thank you. She is very beautiful.
Ariel's prettier.
Where's Aladdin?
I don't have an Aladdin,
because he just wants to be friends.
Okay...
Hi. Can I have two black coffees and one large hot chocolate?
But can you write latte on the cup?
I want people to take me seriously.
Oh, can my daughter take a photo with you? You look so amazing.
No, thanks.
She'd really love to put it on her Instagram.
[chuckles] It's so cultural.
I don't really feel at home right now in my choice of clothing.
I mean, usually I don't, but especially today.
She's just a little girl.
Okay, sir, you don't have to say it like that.
I just don't want to take a photo.
Also, why do we have to commemorate everything on social media?
Hmm? Why can't we just live in the moment?
You were on Twitter the entire time you were in line.
You tweeted a "thank you" to a Target ad telling you to have a happy Labor Day.
-[sighs] Fine. Let's just take the photo. -Go.
[sighs]
-[camera clicks] -Okay.
You want any doughnuts with that?
Yeah, Ira, I do, but I'm fasting today.
Oh.
Is it Ramadan?
[McEnroe] No, it's not, Ira.
Today is Ganesh Puja.
♪ Check out the ammo Protect the arsenal ♪
[McEnroe] Looks like an ad for India, right?
Or at least the middle of an Indiana Jones movie, but it's not.
This is Ganesh Puja, baby.
Ganesh Puja is a Hindu holiday celebrating Lord Ganesh,
and a time to share warm moments with family.
Speaking of warm moments with family,
let's check in with the Vishwakumars.
Mom, this sari is so uncomfortable.
Why does it itch so much?
Itchiness of saris is a rite of passage for Indian women.
Deal with it.
Why can't I just wear kurta and jeans like I normally do?
Then I don't have to get half naked every time I need to go to the bathroom.
Devi, you're of age now.
Half sari is more appropriate.
Ew, Mom. Don't say "of age."
It makes me sound like a girl in a douche commercial.
-What is douche? -OK, everyone stop talking about douche.
Lord Ganesh doesn't need to see my daughter
in ripped jeans and a "Fries Before Guys" t-shirt.
[McEnroe] Nalini was a little on edge.
This was the first puja they had gone to
since Mohan's untimely death and Devi's paralysis.
Last week, Mrs. Iyengar asked if we were going to show up at puja,
or whether we, quote, "had too much going on."
I could just hear the pity in her voice.
Too much going on, for Ganesh Puja? That bitch.
-Whoa. -Auntie, you must calm down.
Why does the Hindu Association have to have puja at my high school?
It's so low-rent.
Ben Gross's bar mitzvah was at the Dolby Theatre.
They have the Oscars there.
Jewish people know how to save.
Us, Indians, we get a little bit of money,
we go straight to Home Depot to buy a cement fountain.
We're just obsessed with fountains.
Oh, I love a fountain.
[sighs] Anyway, Devi,
you know Sanchiti Bhattacharyya will be at puja, right?
You remember her useless white husband Ron?
Turns out, he's not that useless after all.
He runs the most exclusive college counseling company in LA.
Ninety percent of their kids get into Ivy Leagues.
And they are so elite,
they don't even count Cornell and Penn as Ivies.
-He's so successful, he has his own Tesla. -[car beeps]
I Zillow-ed his house.
Do you want to know what the Zestimate was?
One point eight million dollars!
-Whoa. He loaded. -Yes, he is.
Now, Ron doesn't take many kids, so...
if you want to go to Princeton, you know what you need to do.
[sighs] I'm on it, Mom.
Winning over old-ass teacher types is my super power.
[sighs] Good girl.
[chatter and drums in background]
Oh, god. Aunties approaching.
Don't look.
Where? Where should I not look?
[Devi] Damn it, Kamala.
[McEnroe] Aunties are older Indian women who have no blood relationship to you,
but are allowed to have opinions about your life and all your shortcomings.
You have to be nice to them because you're Indian.
It's so good to see you, and Devi,
what a relief to see you're no longer a cripple.
[woman] What a miracle.
I prayed for her every day.
I said, "No matter why you have chosen to curse them,
please cure her as a reward for my virtue."
[sarcastically] Thank you. I'm sure your prayers did it.
Yes. Thank you for thinking of us. How is Arjun?
You know Arjun. He just installed a home theater.
Two rows of seats. Dolby 5.1 surround sound.
Popcorn machine coming soon.
Sunu, they don't care about your stupid home theater
with all they've been through.
I know exactly how you feel.
My husband, Pradeep, had testicular cancer.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Oh, no. He's fine.
It was stage one. They caught it early,
removed his testicle, and now he's running the 10K.
[sarcastically] You're right. Our situations are so similar.
Uh, you know my niece, Kamala, right?
Getting her doctorate at Caltech, soon to be engaged...
to an engineer.
The boy's parents have two Mercedes.
-Two Mercedes? -Lucky.
[McEnroe] As the aunties praised her, Kamala had a sinking feeling.
She didn't want to get married,
but she put on a happy face
like I did at the trophy ceremony
when I lost the French Open to Ivan Lendl in 1984.
I'm gonna go find Ron.
[sarcastically] Okay. I'll just stay here and kill myself.
["Nagada Sang Dhol Baje" playing]
[McEnroe] Even though Devi was Indian,
she didn't think of herself as Indian Indian like these girls,
which is a whole other thing.
So sometimes she felt a little out of place.
They seem cool here,
but can you imagine how dorky they would look doing this anywhere else?
That's my sister, Preethi.
Her Bollywood dance group was in the Macy's Day Parade
on a float sponsored by Ziploc.
So who looks dorky now?
[McEnroe] Damn, Devi. Preethi's sister really schooled you. Read the room.
[song continues]
-[Devi] Harish. -Devi, hey.
I was hoping I'd see someone cool here.
Do you know if anyone like that is coming?
[scoffs] Ouch, burn.
So why are you at this lame-fest?
Shouldn't you be at Stanford, like, playing frisbee with a computer?
I actually really wanted to come.
To Ganesh Puja?
At a public high school in the Valley? Are you insane?
Tell me the truth. Did they send you home on medical leave?
Are you suicidal from Accutane?
[laughs] No.
Look, I know I used to clown on this every year,
but the truth is, I kinda miss puja.
Are you kidding?
When I get into Princeton, I'm never coming back.
I'm gonna be an atheist, who eats cheeseburgers every day
with my white boyfriend.
I thought I'd be that way too,
but it was different when I went to college.
My roommate, Nick, is Native American,
and he's so into being Native American.
At first, I was like, "You're away from your parents.
You don't have to pretend to care about your ancestry or whatever."
But then he took me to their campus powwow.
No one was standing in the corner making fun of it.
They were dancing and chanting,
and having a great time, and it made me think,
"Why do I think it's so weird and embarrassing to be Indian?"
[sarcastically] Where do I start?
How about every single thing my mom has ever said and done?
I just thought, "Am I gonna be this insecure Indian guy,
who hates doing Indian things?"
'Cause that's its own identity. It's just a shitty one.
Well, that's definitely not my identity.
I love being Indian. [scoffs]
[McEnroe] Real convincing, Devi.
I look more comfortable being Indian.
You need to spread Mohan's ashes.
I spread my mother's in the fountain at the Bellagio.
She was a gambling addict.
That's very touching, um...
I just haven't had the time.
You know he cannot get into heaven until you accept his death?
Oh.
I meant to ask you. Later today,
you think you can look at a few skin tags? They're under my left breast.
I'm really looking forward to it. Yeah.
["Mehndi Laga Ke Rakhna" playing]
I'll find you later.
[song continues]
[McEnroe] This is Pandit Rajakrishnan,
but everyone calls him Pandit Raj.
He's the community spiritual leader and also really knows how to work a room.
Now, everybody repeat after me.
[chants in Sanskrit]
Just kidding. [chuckles] We'll do something easier.
[McEnroe] I like Pandit Raj. He's got a good energy.
[Pandit] Come forward.
Have you spoken to Ron yet?
I've spent all morning kissing up to Sanchiti.
I even told her I would Botox her armpits for free.
Not yet. I can't find him.
You can't find the one middle-aged white man
in a group of 500 Indian people?
Come forward. We are ready for the next group.
-Give it to Pandit Raj. -[Pandit] Nalini.
Thank you.
Pray you get into Princeton.
Don't waste your prayers on stupid things like world peace.
[McEnroe] Praying had always been hard for Devi.
It was so easy to get distracted.
First, she would start praying for the health of her mom and cousin,
but then would veer off, thinking about homework,
or how in this kneeling position, she could smell her deodorant.
So she really had to focus on what she wanted:
an acceptance letter from the college of her dreams...
[squeals and cheers]
[Nalini] Princeton!
...a sudden maturing in certain areas of her body...
Hey.
...unexpected overtures from certain people at school...
I think I love you.
...and hearing her mother say the thing she most longed for.
I'm so proud of you.
And you can get your septum pierced.
But this year was different.
She didn't want her usual things.
[laughs] Don't miss.
[Mohan] Ah!
[laughs] In your face.
She wanted something else.
[chanting]
Have tika.
[McEnroe] Meanwhile, Kamala knew what exactly she was praying for.
For her fiance, Prashant, to fall in love with someone in his doctorate program
at the University of Chicago,
and for their engagement to be over.
You do not wish to be married?
[McEnroe] Damn, Pandit Raj. That's spooky as hell. You're good.
Your hair is so black.
When my sister's husband died, she stopped coloring her hair.
Well, I didn't want to let myself go completely.
Mohan wouldn't have wanted that.
You just don't want to give people the wrong idea.
What idea? That I love my husband less because my roots aren't showing?
Let's go inside.
I heard Roopa got fat.
[McEnroe] Bingo! White guy. College counselor Ron.
Go get him, Devi.
Hey, are you Ron Hansen-Bhattacharyya?
Yes.
It's so nice to meet you. My name is Devi Vishwakumar.
I'm a student at this high school, actually.
Oh, cool.
Sherman Oaks High is a good Ivy feeder school.
Although the college counselor Susan is a joke.
Yeah. She's also the lunch lady.
-So, she's got a lot on her plate. -Hmm.
I just wanted to say how interested I would be in procuring your services.
Your stats are amazing.
Well, I don't know. I mean, I...
only got 28 kids into Ivies last year, but I wanted 30.
The other two went to MIT,
but you can't win 'em all.
Well, I guess I can't relate because I do win 'em all.
I'm in all AP classes and got a perfect score on my PSAT.
[McEnroe] Great segue, Devi. Effortless.
All while volunteering at the kidney dialysis center.
When I'm not doing that,
I read Vietnam vets their Bill O'Reilly books.
Okay, look... I can say this because I married an Indian woman
and am a proud member of this vibrant community.
But schools don't want another Indian try-hard,
who is president of the padded resume club.
What? [scoffs]
Renal failure is what keeps me up at night.
Colleges want kids with unusual stories.
I had this kid.
He got into a car crash. He was dead a full 30 seconds.
He said god told him to go to Yale. It worked.
Uh, I outgrew a nut allergy, so that's something.
-I actually know who you are. -You do?
You're the girl whose dad died in front of her at a concert
and became paralyzed.
[McEnroe] Devi couldn't believe that the major trauma of her life
could be reduced to a single sentence, but there it was.
Yeah. What about it?
That story is freaking amazing.
You have the golden ticket. If you're willing to talk about it,
I bet I can get you into any school you want.
But Devi didn't want to use the story of her father's death
as a way to make herself more interesting to a bunch of admission committees.
No, I'm not gonna do that.
Well, without it, I don't get your angle.
To be honest, I don't see how you would be different
than any other Indian kid applying to college.
I'm not like any other Indian kid,
and I'm not interesting just because my dad died.
Then what makes you interesting?
Oh, I don't know, Ron.
Maybe it's my perfect grades or my killer test scores.
Or maybe it's my bitchin' personality
or my insane PowerPoint skills.
I don't need some washed-up white dude, who leases a Tesla
telling me what makes me special.
Leasing is still a financial commitment!
And my monthly payment is quite high!
[Kamala] Oh, look, an open table.
No, no. Come, come.
Hey, kids, move.
Just take your slime and go.
Come on. People are still eating.
Why could we not sit there?
That's Jaya Kuyavar.
She came from Chennai, went to UCLA for her doctorate,
parents found her a nice boy back home to marry.
Then she ran off with an American man.
-A Muslim. -[Kamala gasps]
Parents never spoke to her again.
Did they come for the wedding?
Are you out of your mind? You heard me say he was a Muslim.
I feel bad for her.
-We should sit with her. -Mm-mm.
Can't risk it right now.
We're already borderline outcasts.
Devi, what did you do?
I heard from half a dozen aunties that you yelled at college counselor Ron,
and made fum of his electric car!
He deserved it.
He said I'm just like any other Indian kid applying to college.
It was so offensive!
So disappointed in you.
[sighs]
-I'm gonna eat somewhere else. -Please go.
Is this yours?
-Oh, thank you so much! -Yeah.
You left it on the table.
The table you were sitting at after you and your aunt
made a beeline to get away from me.
No, we weren't trying to avoid you.
You seemed so popular, we didn't want to take up seats for your friends.
Oh.
Sure.
Hey, um... I need a break from these aunties.
You want to go check out the vending machines? My treat?
Okay.
Yeah, so basically, I'm the Hester Prynne of the Indian community
in the San Fernando Valley.
I wish I had a less ninth-grade-book analogy for it,
but it's accurate.
So you're ultimately very happy with your decision
even though you got divorced?
Of course not.
[sighs] No.
I mean look at me.
My closest Indian friend is a woman I met seven minutes ago.
No. I wish I had just listened to my family
and married the guy that they chose.
Then maybe I wouldn't be divorced.
You know, my kids ask about their grandparents,
and... [sighs] I don't know what to tell them.
Maybe they'll get over it.
Do you have a sibling, who could have a drug problem
or go to community college? That would help.
No, I got two brothers, both neurosurgeons,
had a double-arranged wedding with millionaire Hindu sisters.
Oh. [laughs]
As my cousin would say, "That sucks a fat one."
[chuckes] Yeah, I agree.
[sighs] Anyway, I think I'm going to head out.
You know, these things aren't really that fun
when everyone is whispering about you.
But hey, good luck on your engagement...
and don't screw it up, yeah?
[chuckles]
Devi?
Paxton! What are you doing here?
Swim practice. What are you doing here?
Just... Ganesh Puja.
It's a weird Indian thing.
Oh.
What do you do for it?
We eat and pray to Ganesh.
[sighs] He's the elephant god.
He's sort of a big deal to Indians.
I mean Hindus.
'Cause, you know, there are Muslim Indians, Sikh Indians, Jains, and--
-Honestly-- -You don't have to give me
the Wikipedia page on India.
Sorry.
So is part of Ganesh Puja kicking lockers in anger?
No, that was unrelated. That didn't have...
[chuckles] You were joking.
No, I just got mad, which is something I'm working on.
You do have kind of a temper, huh?
It's not my fault.
Some old loser was telling me that I'm too Indian,
and some other people think I'm not Indian enough.
And honestly, all I want to do is eat a doughnut,
but I'm stuck here.
Eh. Who cares what other people think?
You do you, Vishwakumar.
Also, you look cool in that outfit.
[McEnroe] Did he just say she looked good?
Holy shit. Maybe she wasn't as friendzoned as she thought.
Okay. I've had my fill of socializing.
-Are you ready to head home? -Yeah.
-You see Devi anywhere? -I do not.
Perhaps she's gotten her arms stuck
in the vending machine trying to steal chips.
It's happened before.
I'll go check.
-Nalini. -Yes?
Are you leaving?
Ah, yes. I think it's that time.
It was so great to see you out of the house
-and Devi back on her feet. -Thank you.
Let me know if she stops walking again,
because I have a cousin in medical sales
who can get you a very nice wheelchair for cheap.
Hello, ladies.
-Namaste, Pandit Raj. -Hello, Pandit-ji
Would one of you be able to give me a ride?
[McEnroe] The day had been a long one for Nalini,
and she needed a win, even if it was a small one.
I can.
Oh, wonderful. Could you take me to The Home Depot?
It would be my pleasure.
Great. There's a beautiful fountain I've had my eye on.
[Pandit] This is very kind of you.
I could've taken an Uber.
Our Pandit in an Uber?
What's next? Prime Minister Modi on Postmates?
Over my dead body.
I really enjoyed puja today.
I like the incense you used.
It was like we were in a cannabis store.
Thank you. You can buy it on my website...
coolhindude.com
Anyhow, I hope you all found some clarity in your prayers today.
For sure. One hundred percent.
Very much so, Pandit-ji.
[Pandit] Wonderful.
Thanks for the ride.
I found the car very comfortable.
Our pleasure, Pandit-ji.
Though there is pain,
the pain will subside because you are a good family.
And god will always see that.
[recites blessing in Sanskrit]
Where do you want to go to college?
-[sighs] Princeton. -I will bring it up to god personally.
[both chuckle]
Thanks for the ride. Go, Lakers!
["Waking Up" by Sorry Girls playing]
♪ Well, baby, I’m waking up ♪
♪ To see the ways that I’ve been blinded ♪
♪ By the lovelight in my eyes ♪
♪ I wanna send it all crashing down ♪
♪ Down to the ground ♪
♪ Down, down ♪
♪ Down to where it all went wrong ♪
♪ Down, down to the ground ♪
♪ Down, down ♪
♪ Down to the root of everything ♪
♪ All I know is what I want ♪
♪ Maybe, baby Maybe, baby ♪
♪ All I know is what I want ♪
♪ Maybe I'm waking up ♪