♪ ("PAINTING WITH JOHN NEW OPENING" PLAYING) ♪
♪ Ah-dee ♪
♪ Ah-da ♪
♪ Ah-dee ♪
♪ Ah-da ♪
♪ Ha-dee ♪
♪ Ah-da ♪
-♪ Ha-dee ♪ -♪ Ha-dee ♪
♪ Ah-da ♪
-♪ Ha-dee ♪ -♪ Ha-dee ♪
-♪ Ah-da ♪ -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
In like, 1997, I think it was '97,
I got asked to play "The Star-Spangled Banner"
before a Nets game...
when they were back in New Jersey.
So... (GRUNTS) ...the night before I practiced it
a few times just-- And I decided to just play it
really straight, like, 'cause I assumed they had
a shitty microphone and a shitty sound system
which was just really for, like...
(IMITATES ANNOUNCER) "Foul on Keith Van Horn."
(IN NORMAL VOICE) So I-- I just sort of thought,
"Just play it normal. Just-- Just play it."
I was in the studio that day and I get home
and I'm getting ready to go.
And as I'm going out the door, the phone rings
and I answer it and it's Flea. "Hey, what are you doing?"
I said, "I'm on my way to play 'The Star-Spangled Banner.'"
He said, "Oh, you're gonna be really nervous.
Nobody's there to see you."
Well-- Which hadn't occurred to me
that I was gonna be nervous and then he goes...
"Yeah, the only thing memorable you can do is fuck it up.
That's the one thing you can do that anybody will remember,
is if you fuck it up."
So now that thing goes into my head a bit,
like, that nerve thing, that nervous thing.
It just sort of starts and it's like, you know, I--
And it just sort of starts in my brain
and on the way out there, I'm starting to get nervous,
like, I'm getting nervous. And I'm putting on my reed
on the mouthpiece before and it's like
my hands are kind of shaking.
So there's all this stuff in the dressing room,
and I have a big glass of whiskey
to kind of calm myself down.
And...
I go out there and the ball boy's
collecting the balls, and I hand him my saxophone
and take a ball out of his hands
and I shoot from, like, ten feet beyond half-court.
And it was like, right on line. It was just short by this much.
If it had gone in, I would have been on--
I would have been on ESPN all over the country.
It would have been a great moment in my life.
But it was just short.
And so, I got out there and I'm nervous,
but I couldn't, y'know-- Anyway, and I started to play,
and then if I do say so myself, I had a beautiful sound
on the saxophone.
And I start to play and it sounds gorgeous.
I mean, it's just like, this warm, beautiful sound
filling up the whole arena. It's really...
something. And like, "Oh, I got this."
And just as I start to think, "Oh, I got this," I fuck up.
I mean, I just sort of blipped a note,
and then I jumped ahead. I skipped a half a phrase.
So people singing along were now out of whack.
And I kind of pulled it together and I finished.
And that-- It must have been beautiful
'cause you don't see this.
John Calipari, who was the Nets coach
at that time, and the refs come running over to me saying,
"That was beautiful, that was beautiful."
I'm at half-court and they're yelling,
"That was so beautiful."
And I, which I assume was on New Jersey TV, yelled,
"I fucked it up!"
And they back away from me like I'm a crazy person.
And I walk off the court yelling,
"I fucked it up," over and over and over again.
I walk by the Nets bench and Keith Van Horn
is staring at me, like...
I guess he was nervous before the games,
and I get to the end of the bench
and Sam Cassell says...
"That's all right, we all fuck up sometime."
Which I appreciated.
So anyways, Flea did this to me.
He put that germ in my head that grew and grew and grew
and then I was nervous.
It wouldn't have happened otherwise.
I know it wouldn't have happened otherwise.
So I'm gonna have him on the show to pay him back
for what he did to me.
♪ ("FLEA'S WALK" BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
John!
-John! -(JOHN LURIE YELLS)
-John! -(JOHN YELLS)
John!
Hello, John!
John!
-John! -Hey!
-John! -JOHN: Hey!
-John! -Hey!
-(LAUGHS) John! -JOHN: Hey!
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-Come on, man. -Door?
-Yeah, please. -FLEA: Close it?
-Yeah, yeah, close it. -FLEA: Okay.
Ah. Feels good here.
-Uh, how you doing? -FLEA: Did you Wordle?
-JOHN: Yeah, last night. -Don't tell me.
No hints, nothing. I know you.
You think I'm gonna just...
-I know you. -JOHN: ...blurt it out for no reason at all?
Why wou-- Why would I do that?
'Cause... To fuck with me.
JOHN: All right.
Do-- Do you want anything?
I'm gonna lie down.
Remember when we went to Australia?
Yeah, where you tried to starve me to death?
That's the part that you always talk about.
Well, because it was... (CHUCKLES)
-It was remarkable, huh? -FLEA: You needed to clean out.
(CHUCKLES) You needed to clean out.
I needed to clean out? What?
(HESITATES)
I-- You won't-- I'll tell it if you're not going to.
He asked me to come to Australia.
-Yeah. -Nice to go.
FLEA: I was so excited you were coming.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
And then we get there, and he's got this house.
-It's beautiful there. -Yeah.
It's on the ocean, but it's in the middle
-of nowhere. -FLEA: Yeah.
-Congo. -FLEA: Yeah.
And, uh...
he's on some weird new diet.
(LAUGHS) Vegan.
Oh, that's what you were? You were a vegan?
FLEA: I was going vegan. I went vegan.
-But... -FLEA: I didn't know how to
make food that well. (CHUCKLES)
JOHN: But I didn't--
I didn't-- There was no way for me to get food.
There was really no way to get food.
There was, uh...
I mean, without a car, there was no way.
And you wouldn't take me anywhere.
And so, I was just fucking starving to death.
-Well, that's what I remember about that. -I remember...
-I remember... (LAUGHS) -(JOHN CHUCKLING)
...you said-- You went to town
with, like, one of the girls or somebody.
And you came back and you were like,
"I had a chicken. I had a... (LAUGHING)
-...I had a barbecued chicken." -(BOTH LAUGH)
And I was like, "What the fuck's the matter with you?
Why are you eating that poison? Why you doing it to yourself?"
(CHUCKLES) And you got really mad.
And you said, you said--
you kind of confronted me and you said,
"Are you telling me what to eat?"
(BOTH LAUGH)
-I don't remember that at all. -FLEA: But--
-Also, that's-- -You know what it was?
At that time? At that time?
Yeah.
I was just in the beginning of coming out of, like,
doing drugs, not giving a fuck. You know what I mean?
Like, just being like a wild, crack-smoking,
drug-shooting maniac.
And I became so self-righteous about,
"This is how I'm going to live." Like--
And then I was just, for the first time, like,
"Okay, I'm gonna be..." Like, I found like,
-a way... -JOHN: Uh-huh.
...to-- that I thought I could be happy in...
because I was so sad.
You didn't have to starve me. I mean-- (CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
-(WIND BLOWING) -(BIRDS CHIRPING)
-JOHN: Hello, friendo. -Hey.
You sleep okay?
FLEA: Yeah.
-That looks good. -JOHN: Yeah?
FLEA: Yeah.
Very good.
(JOHN GRUNTING)
-(BIRDS CHIRPING) -(VEHICLE APPROACHING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
♪ ("LEROY THE GENERAL" BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(KNOCK ON DOOR) -Who the fuck is that?
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Your car is here.
I didn't order a car.
You have to come. And your friend.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(SCOFFS)
♪ ("THE VAN" BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
(CELL DOOR RATTLING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(GROANS) I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry.
They've done this to me a couple times before.
They pick you up, they throw you in this room...
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
...and once, they let me go in a couple hours
and then once, it was like two days
maybe it was three 'cause, like, you can't really tell
what-- how much time passes. (INHALES)
But, um, there's no explanation.
They just let you go after a while.
There's-- There's no way to get out of the Rock 'n' Roll
Hall of Fame, right?
Once you're in there, you're in there.
-Yeah. (LAUGHS) -JOHN: (CHUCKLING) So...
-This is not unlike that, right? -(INHALES) Well--
And that's why they say you were abducted
into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame, not inducted.
Well, that's why I think...
-(SCOFFS) -...you know,
if we're in here long enough...
Yeah.
...we might become geniuses.
Like Jean Genet, that's how he became a genius.
He went to prison, wrote a whole novel,
they took it away from him, burned it, threw it away.
I guess this is a good time to look at this like a-- a...
What do they call it when a monk goes--
goes in a cave for a long time?
Yeah, but a monk isn't stuck in here with you.
♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
JOHN: Once...
-when I sat in with you guys. -FLEA: Where?
My mind remembers it as Italy, but I never played
with you in Italy, so I don't know where it was.
FLEA: You played with us in New York.
You played with us in New Orleans.
You played with us-- Um...
JOHN: Philadelphia or something?
FLEA: I don't remember that part.
I remember... (CHUCKLES) ...I remember New Orleans.
Was that the first time in New Orleans?
Uh... it might be.
So, I was doing Down by Law, so it must be 1986.
Yeah, so I played-- we played--
I played the whole show with you guys.
-Yeah. -And it was kind of easy.
It was like, you know, everything was kind of
-a vamp back then. -Yeah.
Kind of funky.
And that was really fun to play over.
-Yeah. -And then...
about what? A thousand people, maybe even less,
-like 700 people. -Less.
And, uh...
we go into the dressing room and you're all yelling
"Socks, socks, socks!" And I don't know what the fuck--
-I don't know what's going on. -Yeah.
And you're all taking-- Someone--
You could have fucking told me what was happening. So...
you all took off all your clothes
and put the sock on like you do and ran back out.
And I thought...
"Well, I can't do the whole show
and not do this.
-I have to do it." -Yeah.
So, I take off my clothes really fast
and I had these socks from, like,
these almost knee-high socks from Barneys,
like these fancy socks.
Like silk socks. (CHUCKLES)
And so, when I put mine on, mine hung down to my knees.
-Yeah. -And, um...
But did it get a good grip around the cock and balls?
-Yeah. -Okay.
I handled that. And then...
there's a guy standing on the side of the stage
and I-- with sunglasses on, just grabbed his sunglasses off
'cause I thought that would help appearance
and put them on.
'Cause I think that's gonna help.
You thought it was a disguise?
JOHN: It just, like, gave me some kind of
protection doing this.
So, I'm out there playing and it's like, I can't believe
how hard you play when you're naked, you know.
-It's like, you're really-- -Yeah.
And I'm really playing, I'm really playing,
-I'm really playing. -Yeah.
And then...
you come over and... (GRUNTS)
...and say...
"The next song is a vocal breakdown.
So don't lay out there. I'll kill you."
-(FLEA LAUGHING) -I said, "Oh, okay, okay."
-I said that? -JOHN: Yeah.
Why? That doesn't sound like you?
I know, I guess it does. I just--
It's hard to imagine I had the presence of mind,
-you know? -And then,
so there's the vocal breakdown
and now...
I'm like, "Well, what do I do?
I'm not gonna be up here dancing like some Chippendales' guy."
-Like, fuck. -(BOTH LAUGH)
-And so, I ran off the stage. -Yeah.
And it was really amazing.
You know that feral thing where, like,
you can feel somebody looking at you?
I felt 700 pairs of eyes all staring at my ass
-as I ran off stage. -FLEA: Yeah.
-I knew that all-- -(FLEA LAUGHING)
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
(BOTH HUM, VOCALIZE)
(HUMMING FADES)
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(SIGHS) -JOHN: How much did you sleep?
(GROANS)
I don't know if I slept.
-Yeah, you slept. -I did?
Yeah, they brought food and I ate it
and then I got sick.
And you slept through the whole thing.
-You got sick? -Yeah, I got really sick.
-Did you throw up? -Yeah.
Are you sure it's from the food?
Y-- Yeah.
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC RESUMES) ♪
FLEA: You know when we used to play basketball all the time?
-JOHN: Yeah. -FLEA: That was fun.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
-(JOHN CHUCKLES) -You're a sweet jumper, dude.
-"Don't call me dude." -Yeah, "Don't call me dude."
Well, you have a sweet jumper.
-My best thing was defense. -Really?
Yeah, yeah, by far.
And a real ability to-- to see the game,
to look at somebody's body and know which way he's going,
-you know what, you know? -Yeah.
To study, even like in a pickup game,
like, to study somebody's moves and anticipate them.
Yeah.
So infinite...
the possibilities.
Oh, you must've-- you must've played with pros, right?
A couple of celebrity kind of games.
You know, like, you've seen the greatest moment
of my life, right?
It was behind the back kind of thing?
No, that was-- No, not that.
That's my trick shot and I failed at doing that,
but I played in one of those MTV celebrity games.
-Yeah. -And to win the game,
I hit a NBA three-pointer, which was a ten-pointer
in that game, but it was an assist
from Chris Mullin and I fucking drained it.
And I won the three-point shoot-off
in the contest.
-It's the greatest thing I've ever done. -In-- In addition to that?
-Yeah, both on the same day. -Wow, that is really something.
I mean, I hate to admit how jealous I am of that.
♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC RESUMES) ♪
(INHALES) I'm seeing the greatest-- greatest circles
on the wall right now.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Are you friends with some of the kids?
Didn't you meet Amari and Amaya?
Yeah.
We're not-- We're not close friends but--
-But they seem really comfortable... -No, lately--
...and happy around you.
Yeah, no, I like them. I like them a lot.
Yeah. Do you ever meet little kids that you don't like?
Yeah, all the time.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, it's like...
-40 percent. -Yeah.
Some kids I really like. But I don't like all kids
-because they're kids. -Yeah.
There was this great thing here once where...
we went up to this school, it's not near here,
and these kids would play in the field
and they were really fun to watch
because they really looked athletic,
a nice thing to their stride, you know.
-Yeah. -I can't remember why we wanted
to take a photograph. We were with somebody.
But Nesrin was there and she went to ask permission
at the school if we could take pictures.
And the kids saw her and they were fascinated--
and they were fascinated and attracted to her.
-And they-- -How old were they?
-Five, six, seven? -Okay.
JOHN: And they surrounded her, they really-- And then...
she went down on her knees to show them something...
-Yeah. -...and they engulfed her.
It was really like,
this really top ten magical moments of my life.
Yeah, I've never seen anything like it.
-That's 'cause Nes-- -JOHN: Really-- Huh?
That's 'cause Nes is a fucking beam of light.
-That's right. -JOHN: Yeah, no, they really--
-But they felt it and they really felt it was-- -Yeah.
-JOHN: I mean, immediately. -They trusted her.
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(FLEA SIGHING)
Well...
if we never get out of here...
What the-- Why? We'll get out of here.
(LAUGHS)
I mean, one can't help but contemplate
when you're stuck in a fucking jail cell.
We've had some good times.
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
You know, my first nightmare was,
I was, like, five or six and we were in my house
in New Orleans.
I-- I see the house from this nightmare
more than I do from anything in real life.
I remember the house, the structure of the house.
And so, this kid's got a wallet and I take it.
And I-- And it's got two dollars in it.
And I take it and I'm running. I'm sort of, like...
a little more than teasing.
I mean, I wasn't gonna steal his money or anything,
but I just-- It was like a
kind of a "fuck you" to this kid.
And so, I've got his wallet and I'm running and I run
into this invisible wall right in front of--
-But it had a personality. -(BREATHES DEEPLY)
And the wallet goes up in the air
-and it scared me to death. -Oh, man.
-And it was kind of like... -Yeah.
...it was kind of like...
-it's not an evil spirit. -Yeah.
It's a really harsh judge of your conscience.
-Yeah. -Really. Whoa!
Wow!
I had this dream when I was a kid...
the most terrifying nightmare.
And I still remember it.
But in the nightmare, like, this evil in the nightmare
spoke to me and said, "If you ever tell
-about this nightmare..." -(HESITATES)
-Have you ever told anyone? -No.
Well, just, what, do you want to think about this?
-I'm not gonna tell it. -JOHN: Oh, okay.
But like, I still won't tell, you know what I mean?
-JOHN: Yeah. -That's how fucking scary it was.
Well, that came from inside your head.
-You know what I mean? -That's what they say.
(PLAYS TUNE ON HARMONICA)
♪ Oh, don't let me die here ♪
♪ Don't let me die here With this idiot ♪
♪ Oh, don't let me die here ♪
(VOCALIZES)
I think you might be...
the only person that could call me an "idiot"
-and it makes me happy. -(BOTH LAUGH)
♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
You can go.
-Can we have our clothes back? -No.
-(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING) -Figures.
JOHN: Did you eat the food?
'Cause I don't know what that was.
-I didn't eat. -Oh.
I didn't eat the whole time. I didn't eat, I didn't poop.
I might have peed once.
Once I was at a fashion show with Iggy Pop,
watching a runway show,
the only fashion show I've ever been to,
and I had to go to the bathroom and they said,
"There's no bathroom."
And Iggy Pop looked at me and he said,
"Fashion people, nothing comes in,
-nothing goes out." -(JOHN CHUCKLING)
When I did the Marvin record
-and I was getting... -Yeah.
-...all the quotes from people, -Yeah.
I didn't really know Iggy, but I heard
he had told somebody, "John Lurie
-is an American original." -FLEA: Yeah.
So, I called him, I said, "Do you mind just saying that
-about Marvin Pontiac?" -Yeah.
JOHN: He said, "Okay."
And he changed it to, "Marvin Pontiac
is an American original. He'd kick your ass for nothing."
And I called him to thank him and at the end I said,
-"We should hang out sometime." -Yeah.
And he said, "Why?"
(BOTH LAUGH)
Which is-- Which is something I wish I thought of like,
-forty years ago, you know. -FLEA: Huh.
♪ ("JOHN AND FLEA WALK HOME" BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ ("FLEA'S NIGHTMARE" BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
(JOHN VOCALIZING)
(GROANS)
-(GASPS, BREATHES HEAVILY) -♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES ABRUPTLY) ♪
♪ ("PRISONER PLATYPUS PARADE PLATYPUS" BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
♪ ("THE FIRST AND ROYAL QUEEN" BY THE LOUNGE LIZARDS PLAYS) ♪
♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪