F A N T A S T I C P R E S E N T A
I will be eternally grateful if, during the course of our conversation,
you avoided the uncrossing and re-crossing of your legs.
Sure.
What gift have you brought me ?
I brought myself. Isn't that enough ?
It would have been,
had you only promised to stay here for the rest of your life.
But I fear you will depart,
and I will be left with no tangible memory of you.
Well...
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
I shall have those place in a most special reliquary.
You have beautiful feet, however, they are rather large.
My only defect. Do you have any defects, Holy Father ?
I am the defect. I am defectus.
Defectus, in Latin, means missing.
I have missed myself.
Do you know the cure for that ? Family.
I find that children fill that avoid.
I'm sure you realize for me that's not particularly practical advise.
You could drop that soutane.
By the way, I am very honored to meet you, Your Holiness.
And I haven't just come here out of some human curiosity.
- I do have a plea. - I'm delighted to hear.
Gay marriage for Catholics.
When will this pointless taboo be eliminated ?
When the Church has a brave, revolutionary, resolute pope.
- Qualities none of which I possess. - What a shame !
Even though homosexuality is not a sin,
sexual acts outside of marriage are.
According to the Bible, sex is intended solely for procreation,
therefore between a man and a woman.
- Can't the Bible be upgraded ? - At last, the Bible is not an iPhone.
- Again, what a shame ! - Not at all.
Anything that can be upgraded, like an iPhone,
ends up in the bin, only to be replaced by a more expensive model.
The Bible has endured for a very long time,
and its value has changed a little, if at all.
- Because it can't be upgraded. - Exactly.
I suppose it's not even a matter of "upgrading".
It's more a matter of somehow bridging the enormous gap
between the sacred and the sinful.
Quite a long ladder is needed. The ladder of time.
By broaching this object, you and I have already lessened that gap.
It's a small step granted, but a step nevertheless.
And this is supposed to make me feel better ?
Yes, of course. I read that you have an IQ of 154, a genius practically.
There's nothing ordinary about you.
And geniuses know that life evolves in spite of us.
In spite of lawyers and artisans, politicians and bricklayers,
university professors,
geniuses and popes.
- Can I have a glass of water ? - Of course you may.
You may have a gin and tonic, if you like.
It's a little early for a gin and tonic.
It's never too early for a gin and tonic.
Cheers ! Allow me, if I may,
to take advantage of your intellect for some moments longer.
Apart from allowing people of the same sex to marry,
what would you suggest the Catholic Church could do
in order to make itself more eloquent ?
Well...
In the end,
what will remain of you ?
Beside a load of magnificent art, commissioned by you,
in the Renaissance period, from all of the greatest artists.
There are great artists now.
But you ignore them.
So life passes, art remains.
Art passes too but a little more slowly because art is more cunning.
Holy Father, my adductor longus muscle is falling asleep.
- May I cross my legs the other way ? - One moment if you would.
Now you may.
I done.
There, you see ? We did it.
Once again, hail-fellows, we made the sacrifice.
Do not despair.
Someday we will all come to appreciate the beauty of sacrifice.
Though, not today.
THE NEW POPE Episode 5
LOURDES, FRANCE 10 victims
Our hatred is concrete. Our enemy is obvious.
It's Iblis. It's the Christian.
And as the Koran says:
I will fill Hell with you all, you and all those after you.
Holy shit !
You're Bramante, Aghosh's assistant !
And I'm Aghosh.
A place has freed up, just one, in my religious community.
And that place is for you.
What divinity sends you ?
- So, what's the pope gonna do ? - I don't know.
- How are you, Voiello ? - Nervous.
That's not new, isn'it ?
This caliph is keeping me up at night.
Whatever you decide, my one word of advice is: prudence.
Close your eyes, Violetta ! Hold your breath ! Do you feel it ?
Translate, please.
The only principle unscrupulous men like ourselves must adhere to is:
"If you don't have proof, you don't have proof !"
I need some air.
Seriously Voiello, now when you can finally breathe easy.
Up until yesterday, thanks to your excessive sexual exploits,
you were the quintessential culprits.
But now, after that despicable attack in Lourdes,
you've become victims.
The wind is shifting, my friend. You better fan it.
- I hadn't thought of that. - That's why I am here.
I think of everything, speaking of which,
a mean old bird keeps squawking about a Spalletta-Tomas Altbruck alliance.
It is not a mean old bird.
It is a splendid sparrow.
I suspected that was you.
I need to know what's behind it.
How about that typical human weakness also known as greed ?
- They're going to crash and burn. - So let them.
Cause afterwards you'll be back in the game, stronger than ever.
I can't let the pope crash and burn. The pope can't be compromised.
- You asking for my help ? - Not yet.
- Who's he ? - My son.
Minors are not allowed in my community.
How is the movie ?
Cacca.
Violetta dear, money is always a problem.
- What are you going to do ? - One word comes to mind.
To mine too, one to be avoided at all cost:
islamic.
That's not the world I was thinking of.
If you find the right word, in Lourdes,
it would be a giant leap forward for your papacy.
A leap that would make your authoritativeness unstoppable.
I have great faith in you.
It is the private number to my apartment.
Only Danny has it. Danny, and now you.
Phone, if you like, whenever you want.
Did you appoint my husband head of the financial organization
because you have faith in me ?
No.
So why him, of all people ?
Nietzsche said:
"The Christian's decision to see the world as ugly and evil"
"has made the world ugly and evil."
We shall go to Lourdes,
I will speak and old Nietzsche will have to change his mind.
Mascara ?
No.
No !
Adam !
- Come on, let's go for a ride ! - I can't, I'm writing.
You'll be sorry.
Holy Father, the press is positively enthusiastic about your "no".
Even the usual faultfinders, days later,
continue to pray your greatness.
Take a look at this !
What do you think Voiello ?
A spiritual and human synthesis that has touched people's hearts.
The media value is irrefutable.
So in other words, no actual value. Is that what you mean to say ?
- To be brutally honest... - You are always brutal, Voiello.
To be brutally honest, Holy Father, after that "no",
it is quite reasonable to expect that thought would translate into action.
So, what is it you had me do ?
Rally a papal army and march it off to battle Islamic terrorism ?
He's even more brutal than you.
Of course not, there are intermediary measures.
Measures that would weaken the success of that "no".
I agree. "No" is a moral declaration of the greatest significance.
The pope produces symbols, the vulgar act of explanation must fall to others.
Voiello, you seem to be in the minority, but that does not mean you are wrong.
I have been in the minority all my life, Your Holiness.
I belong to such a small minority that I am the only member.
I will articulate my thinking during the interview with Emory Kitsworth.
Lourdes was not the place for that.
What was needed there was a spectacular emotional expression.
However if it makes you happier to refer to it as a slogan, go ahead.
Exactly. When would you like to do the interview, Holy Father ?
Kitsworth is quivering in anticipation.
Not ready yet, but I will let you know soon.
Of course I must be fully prepared, so is not to disappoint Voiello.
What magnificent memories, this place.
- Did you come here often ? - Every year, on spiritual retreat.
Do you like it, Girolamo ?
Do you like it ?
- Let's see if he's still here. - Who ?
Don Mimmo.
I don't think so, he was already old when I came here at 20.
- Don Mimmo ! - He can't hear anymore.
He can neither see nor walk anymore.
Don Mimmo ! I'm Angelo Voiello, do you remember me ?
Where are you going ?
- To an informal meeting. - It sounds sordid.
It is.
I can't.
- Why not ? - Because I can't anymore.
I have news.
I think I'm pregnant.
Here I am.
I was about to hang up. I didn't think you were going to answer.
I wanted you to believe your call wasn't important to me.
And instead ? Have you been waiting for me to call ?
My whole life.
What are you doing this evening ?
Don't misunderstand me !
A highly unusual choice for a first date, Holy Father.
The catacombs are the closest thing to a nightclub a priest has.
So are we looking for the bar now ?
Not exactly. The tomb of Francis II.
I thought appropriate I pay him a visit as well.
- Shall we pray ? - Yes.
Do you also find Francis II's death mysterious and inexplicable ?
No. I believe the official line: cardiac arrest.
You know you may be the only one who does ?
I know. I also know that the usual rumors are circulating about Voiello.
- Yet you pay them no heed. - No, I don't.
For years now, Voiello has been the scapegoat for everything in the Vatican.
And you admire Voiello.
We work well together. We're both good chess players,
even though we've never even seen a chess board in our lives.
- Are there conspiracies about me ? - Not as far as I know.
Only persistent questions, which are the premise for a great deal of gossip.
Do tell.
People are asking: is this pope porcelain or steel ?
Why not something in between: fiberglass ?
- And then there is that eternal refrain. - Which is ?
Is he gay or straight ?
- Now, I'll tell you a bit of gossip. - Please do.
In the conclave, Lenny Belardo received one vote.
I know that. It's all anyone has been talking about for days.
But what you do not know is who cast that vote.
No. No one ever figured it out.
That was my vote.
Why ?
Because God does not like me.
- Do you know why I became a priest ? - No.
Because religion is a narrative story that is told,
an incredibly successful story.
Seeing that God is the most popular protagonist in history.
I would never have been satisfied devoting my life
to minor narratives as I found in literature, film, music.
Those at best can only be enjoyable pastimes.
And what is that interests you most in the religious narrative ?
The incessant inquiry into the greatest mystery of all:
the nature of man.
Hence the clergy's incessant question: gay or straight ?
I shall only say that I was a punk when I was young.
That seems to me far more interesting.
We have to set a date for that interview.
I know now what I want to say to Kitsworth.
If I'm not being indiscreet, could I at least ask you
what subject you would discuss with Kitsworth ?
That man cannot be changed, but he can be diverted.
I'm not all that sure, Your Holiness, what the subject would be.
Pedophilia among the clergy and all the sexual abuse.
That is the issue that matters most to me.
For, if we forgive them, they will do it again
and if we punish them, we are not practicing Christian charity.
- But is there another way ? - There is always another way.
And I believe I was called to the papacy to chart it.
Sick loves cannot be treated, Sofia.
You can treat cancer, but not love.
One possibility, then, is to shift the object of love.
How do you do that ? Tell me !
During the interview, I am going to make an extraordinary overture:
I intend to state that I am in favor of marriage for priests,
both gay and straight.
We have to legitimize "possible" love,
so as to divert people from "aberrant" love,
which is a form of violence.
I am not so naive as to think that this is the solution.
But as a way of limiting the damage, it could well work.
Holy Father, you're proposing to upgrade the Bible.
As if it were an iPhone !
You are an intelligent and tireless worker, Sofia.
Could you not come up with a more suitable metaphor, please ?
I will. An announcement of this sort is a giant leap.
A small step
and hopefully less tears in the great ocean of human history.
This will be a bomb. A genuine bomb.
No. This is the middle way.
It's 1 100 euro.
100 for Don Mario, and 1 000 for Attanasio.
Bye.
- Did you take a lot of pictures ? - Yes over 5 000.
And now, a word to our listeners.
We at Radio 103 have decided to alter our programming.
As of today, no more music, no more entertainment.
We will be broadcasting one thing only: Pope Pius XIII's breathing.
Live, from the intensive cure unity
of San Giovanni e Paolo Hospital in Venice.
And this is the fact that no doctor is able to explain.
After 415 breaths, the pope let out a sigh.
Then, 414 breaths, followed by another sigh.
So now we are expecting 413 breaths and then a sigh.
What does it all mean ?
He has come back ! Pius XIII is back !
Turn off that radio, please !
All this fanfare over Lenny Belardo's breathing
has made quite an impression on the masses.
The increase in the idolatry of Pius the XIIIth will be immediate.
That interview with Kitsworth
is indispensable to refocus attention on you.
Not yet.